This is one of my intended statements in the application process. I appreciate all the constructive criticism I can get. Thank you for spending the time to read this!
Here is the full question:
Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
And here is what I have come up with so far:
A Russian saying translates to " You make happiness with your own hands." My parents swore by this when they moved to the United States eighteen years ago. Twenty-two years old and pregnant with me at the time, my mother went to college by day and worked retail at night. At the same time, my father, twenty-four years old, worked in a bakery in the mornings, went to school by day, and shoveled snow in the evenings to earn extra money. They never complained about their situation; they knew that living in America would always bring better opportunities than if they still lived in Russia, where they both attended medical school. But doctors in Russia don't make half of what an American doctor makes, so my parents set off to America to make new lives for themselves. After my birth here in Wisconsin, my parents managed to leave their trivial jobs and open a transportation company, an adult day care (impossible to open without the medical degree my mother earned here in the United States), and, in the past couple years, two pharmacies.
This is not a sob story about my parent's rags to riches experience; it's far from that. I've always wondered how they managed to improve their lives, but an obvious answer always comes to mind. They relied solely on their own hard work; their persistence and eagerness led them to the lives they imagined for their children. Even their parents told them that nothing in life comes as easy as just asking for it; wishing won't lead anyone anywhere.Thankfully, my parents have instilled the same principles in their household, which inspires me to this day not to expect everything in life to be handed to me on a silver spoon. From around the time when all the "what do you want to do when you grow up?" and "what do you see in your future?" questioning began, I knew my answer from the get go. I wanted to follow my parent's footsteps into the business world by helping others and being independent and self-sufficient at the same time. I want to be successful in any way, shape, or form, I must do it on my own with perseverance. I'm not saying that those who can't help themselves shouldn't recieve aid from others when in need, but the individuals who desire self-fullfilling futures should be driven by their own goals to get there.
I owe my ambitions to my parents because of all the opportunites they provided to me throughout my lifetime; these opportunities could be furthered through my admittance to University of Wisconsin-Madison. Entrance into your school and later on hopefully the school of Business will provide me with a starting point from where I can venture out on my own through education opportunities. With the lessons instilled in me, I consider myself inspired to work hard, and I know that what I shoot for will become accomplished as long as I work diligently with the knowledge that nothing in life ever comes easily.
Beautiful, very nice. I loved the concept. You aimed for inspiration and inspiration was beautifully delivered to the reader(as in me). Two things I just wanned to point out, first of them all is, as Hafsa noted out, what was it for? It basically depends on the purpose of what you're trying to deliver. Secondly; from what I got, a story such as yours is supposed to give an inspiring note to the readers who at least once rethink about the feelings and emotions you tried to put in. Mostly it depends on the ending para of the whole essay, from which(however the whole effort was) it is truly judged. The ending line, the most important thing you say to sum up the whole essay, is always to be something very noticeable if you want to present the whole impression nicely. A little emphasize on that, other than these, it was enjoyable.