please check my grammatical mistakes and other areas of improvement such as content, tone etc.
Provide us with a brief statement of about 500 words in which you address one of the following topics: 'Describe an experience that has led you to choose your current career objective' or 'Describes a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.' In your response, be sure to include how the experience will impact your time at the University of Pittsburgh.
"Relax! Folks, don't be afraid. Your hands are still holding the margin of the pool," my swimming coach said to us, "try to breath beneath the water and float on the water at the same time" Great! I successfully did what he had just said; I am floating, hurray! I did feel like I had some talent in swimming. "Good job! Then stop touching the edge of the pool and remain floating and breathing," my coach added.
That was the most dangerous instruction I had ever heard. The water was so deep that my legs couldn't touch. I thought if I got my hands loosen, I would probably be swallowed by water, get drowned; my lungs would be filled with water, and I would die. My hands were shivering.
"King, what are you doing? You are the only one who hasn't done that. Come on!" The coach shouted. I glimpsed around; all others had already done that. Quite a number of them looked at me strangely, wondering what's wrong with me. The peculiar eyesight made me embarrassed and uncomfortable. I tried my best to command my hand to stop holding the pool and let me go. Yet, my hands were quite stubborn, holding the edge tightly.
"You cowardly idiot just stood away; you were just our burden," the coach reprimanded. Seeing others swam pretty well, I didn't think I was an idiot; I believed I could do as well as others, or even better than them, even if I had to pay extra effort. I suddenly became confident and courageous; I jumped into water, trying to relax and kept floating. I inhaled when my head was above the water and exhaled when my head was beneath it. Then, I kicked my legs, and I saw my body started moving. After I reached the goal, I looked around. The coach looked into me in surprise. "Well . . . then came and join us," the coach said, with his embarrassing face.
After finishing this elementary swimming course, I continued to learn swimming. Within a few years, I learned breast stroke, backstroke, butterfly stroke, and freestyle. But, this experience taught me something important: never stop trusting myself. Sometimes, difficulties may make me feel frustrated and doubt my ability; however, that experience taught me perseverance and confidence can help me overcome difficulties.
I know I may face difficulties after I have transferred to University of Pittsburgh. It may be caused by academic hardships; for example, if I do a group project, my idea may be rejected by other group mates for whatever reason. Or, I may face challenges in building interpersonal relationship with new classmates. However, my experience of learning swimming taught me even if people around me don't trust my ability, I am not weak. Instead, it reminds me I should keep going, stretching my arms to reach my goal.
Provide us with a brief statement of about 500 words in which you address one of the following topics: 'Describe an experience that has led you to choose your current career objective' or 'Describes a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.' In your response, be sure to include how the experience will impact your time at the University of Pittsburgh.
"Relax! Folks, don't be afraid. Your hands are still holding the margin of the pool," my swimming coach said to us, "try to breath beneath the water and float on the water at the same time" Great! I successfully did what he had just said; I am floating, hurray! I did feel like I had some talent in swimming. "Good job! Then stop touching the edge of the pool and remain floating and breathing," my coach added.
That was the most dangerous instruction I had ever heard. The water was so deep that my legs couldn't touch. I thought if I got my hands loosen, I would probably be swallowed by water, get drowned; my lungs would be filled with water, and I would die. My hands were shivering.
"King, what are you doing? You are the only one who hasn't done that. Come on!" The coach shouted. I glimpsed around; all others had already done that. Quite a number of them looked at me strangely, wondering what's wrong with me. The peculiar eyesight made me embarrassed and uncomfortable. I tried my best to command my hand to stop holding the pool and let me go. Yet, my hands were quite stubborn, holding the edge tightly.
"You cowardly idiot just stood away; you were just our burden," the coach reprimanded. Seeing others swam pretty well, I didn't think I was an idiot; I believed I could do as well as others, or even better than them, even if I had to pay extra effort. I suddenly became confident and courageous; I jumped into water, trying to relax and kept floating. I inhaled when my head was above the water and exhaled when my head was beneath it. Then, I kicked my legs, and I saw my body started moving. After I reached the goal, I looked around. The coach looked into me in surprise. "Well . . . then came and join us," the coach said, with his embarrassing face.
After finishing this elementary swimming course, I continued to learn swimming. Within a few years, I learned breast stroke, backstroke, butterfly stroke, and freestyle. But, this experience taught me something important: never stop trusting myself. Sometimes, difficulties may make me feel frustrated and doubt my ability; however, that experience taught me perseverance and confidence can help me overcome difficulties.
I know I may face difficulties after I have transferred to University of Pittsburgh. It may be caused by academic hardships; for example, if I do a group project, my idea may be rejected by other group mates for whatever reason. Or, I may face challenges in building interpersonal relationship with new classmates. However, my experience of learning swimming taught me even if people around me don't trust my ability, I am not weak. Instead, it reminds me I should keep going, stretching my arms to reach my goal.
