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'Hard to make' - the admission essay about good friendship


heroine 1 / 1  
Mar 9, 2008   #1
I want to revise my essay. Can anybody help me?

Friendship

Have you ever thought a good friendship is too hard to make? In my past, I used to think I would never have any problems with my friends until I came to US. Evaluating myself, I believe that I'm not a mean friend; otherwise, I'm always willing to help friends who are in trouble. As an international student, I really need friends to help each other in case we meet with difficulties. However, after 1 year in America, I changed my mind. I met two kinds of friends, and both of them gave me an experience: To make friends with somebody is easy, but it's too hard to get close to them. The experience made me grow up and be more independent than I thought I could be.

I remembered the day I had come to US for studying is September 14, 2006. I didn't depart alone. I met many Vietnamese students who also studied at Highline on the same fight. It made me feel happier and relieved my mind. I would have friends in the new environment. We lived in the dormitory, helped new comers like me to adapt in new life because they used to be exchange students, and had dinner together. I thought I was lucky at the beginning of my studying. They became my magnetic needle and I depended much on them. For example, when I opened a bank account, I had to ask them go with me; or I registered for the same class with them although we are not the same major...Three months later, all of us moved out. I thought that living with friends was not easy because everybody has each personality. So I carefully chose the friends whom I was close to.

We were 7 people living in a 4- bedroom house. At the first time, we were similar to close- knit family. Day by day we had some small arguments. As the oldest person, I used to make concessions to them. I thought the problems would be solved soon. In contrast, the more I try to heal all sorrows, the more they opposed me. They usually spoke against me behind my back, irritated and play unfair with me. I felt to be isolated in the house and be very upset at that time. Now everything I did by myself. I bought food, went shopping, and came to school alone. They didn't talk to me anymore...

At school, I had a few new friends who just came to Highline in winter 2007. After knowing my problems, they encouraged and helped me a lot. When I moved out to live with host family, the old friends seemed to be happy. They didn't help me although they are boys and I'm a girl. They stood and looked at me while I was carrying the heavy luggage. Fortunately, the new friends came late but they helped me to move my luggage and stuff. They also assisted me to arrange stuff in my new room. Now they are still my best friends. I want to send to them a thank you message.

When I look back on my last year, I realized that I grew up after this experience." A true friend will support you even if the whole world opposes you" ( Friendship- Mohatta). In my opinion, I couldn't agree with this statement any more. Friendship will be need time to determine who is a good friend or a bad friend. I also become independent. I don't need to live with someone who takes care of me. Now I feel happier. I passed my big problem: culture shock because of bad friends. I can concentrate on my study a lot. Doing something by myself makes me confident and self control. That is also the reason why my parent allowed me to study abroad. They want me become an independent girl.

Although I felt hurt with this experience, I'm glad that now I'm a mature woman. I can do what I need and don't care much other people's thought. Just do the things I think are right bravely. "We are all travelers in the wilderness of the world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend", Robert Louis Stevenson. Friends will be a part of our life and be careful to choose! This is the strong point of view I learned from my experience
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Mar 9, 2008   #2
Greetings!

I'm happy to help! Here are some editing suggestions:

Evaluating myself, I believe that I'm a good friend; I'm always willing to help friends who are in trouble. As an international student, I really need friends so we can help each other in case we meet with difficulties. However, after a year in America, I changed my mind. I met two kinds of friends, and both of them taught me a lesson: to make friends with somebody is easy, but it's too hard to get close to them.

I remember the day I came to the U.S. to study; it was September 14, 2006. I didn't depart alone. I met many Vietnamese students on the same flight who also studied at Highline.

We lived in the dormitory, helped newcomers like me to adapt to the new life because they used to be exchange students, and had dinner together. - This is confusing; who used to be exchange students?

I thought I was lucky at the beginning of my studying. They became my magnetic needle and I depended a lot on them.

I thought that living with friends was not easy because everybody has his or her own personality.

At first, we were similar to a close- knit family.

In contrast, the more I tried to heal all sorrows, the more they opposed me. They usually spoke against me behind my back, irritated and played unfairly with me. I began to feel isolated in the house and to be very upset at that time.

When I moved out to live with a host family, the old friends seemed to be happy.

I want to send them a thank you message.

When I look back on my last year, I realize that I grew up after this experience." A true friend will support you even if the whole world opposes you" ( Friendship- Mohatta). In my opinion, I couldn't agree with this statement any more. Friendships need time to determine who is a good friend or a bad friend.- But isn't that what the quotation means? A bad friend would not be a "true" friend; so, a true friend will support you because he is a good friend; you are basically agreeing with the statement.

Doing something by myself makes me confident and gives me self control. That is also the reason why my parents allowed me to study abroad.

Although I felt hurt by this experience, I'm glad that now I'm a mature woman. I can do what I need and don't care much about other people's opinions.

Just do the things I think are right bravely. - This sentence structure is difficult to understand. Better would be "I just do bravely those things I think are right."

"We are all travelers in the wilderness of the world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend", Robert Louis Stevenson. Friends will be a part of our life, so we should be careful to choose them wisely!

I think you should eliminate the last sentence, as the last one above is stronger.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP heroine 1 / 1  
Mar 10, 2008   #3
Sarah, thank you very much! This forum is very helpful for everyone to write the essa. Can you tell me what is the problem that I always make mistakes in my essay such as words, grammar...
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Mar 10, 2008   #4
Greetings!

You're very welcome! I don't think you should think of yourself as having a "problem." You are still learning, and it takes time to become fluent in a new language. Also, remember that some of the suggestions I make are not because what you wrote was strictly "wrong"; sometimes I make suggestions to make your writing clearer, or to sound more natural, as a native English speaker would say it. These are things that will become easier for you as time goes on.

Keep up the good work! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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