To do no harm - Why NYU essay, maximum 2500 characters (Transfer Application)

Hey guys, so this my 3rd draft of the essay. I wanted to see if I could add more to the essay or change it, especially the introduction. I feel as if the introduction could either be completely reworked or at least the first portion of it.

"To do no harm"

, were the words of the Hippocratic Oath that I read in an article. Ever since then these were words that I have espoused for years, which drives and inspires me to become a radiologist; where I can render aid without having to do invasive procedures. But without the proper training and mentors, these words will never come to fruition. And so, I am applying to the Tandon School of Engineering because of the school's exemplary pre-medical opportunities. The school will also assist in acquiring technical prowess for becoming a radiologist.

Take the Vertically Integrated Projects, as an example. Tandon offers a rare opportunity to work on 3D printed biomedical devices or vertical farming. Both programs offer distinct techniques such as using a computer aided system to create models of medical devices or using climate engineering to better the growth of plants. In addition to the unique programs; several professors are working on expanding the knowledge of biological molecules to advance human biology and biomedical engineering. Through the use of proteins they are creating methods of remedying neurodegenerative diseases and creating nanomaterial for electronics.

On top of Tandon's academic side I'm also elated by the variety of student led organizations, such as the New York Water Environment Association, which will expand my understanding of environmental issues. After all, it's rare to be able to attend environmental seminars hosting a professor from Yale. It's also exciting to have the chance to join the Chinese Students and Scholars Association. It is amazing to see the club hosting a Spring Festival at NYU. During the event traditional food and games will be present, serving the NYU community by broadening the understanding of traditional culture.

I had previously served the Bushwick community in a short term volunteering event where I helped keep Maria Hernandez Park clean. But by being a part of this association it provides incredible long term opportunities to connect with others that share my culture, while at the same time still serving the community in NYU and New York.

With Tandon's focus on science and technology, it will allow me to achieve the American Dream. The dream created by James T. Adams: a dream of success, without concern of background or status.

Why NYU? The question is asking you to explain your decision to change universities at this point in your educational career. What school are you coming from? Why can't you continue your radiology studies there? Sure Tandon offers excellent pre-med opportunities and can help you become a better radiologist. Are you choosing Tandon because of the pre-med opportunities that you can pursue after you complete your radiology degree? Is that why you are choosing Tandon?

What about the Vertically Integrated Projects? How do you see yourself making your mark in your professional field based upon the training you will receive in this area? If this one of the reasons you chose Tandon, then explain why this will make you a better radiologist in your opinion, without repeating the often quoted information about this line of study as you do in this paragraph. Don't tell the reviewer what he already knows. Tell him how you will use this program to improve your knowledge based upon your idea of its application in your potential workplace. That will make this essay stand out.

The same advice goes for the student organizations. It would be better for you to be explaining what sort of improvements you can bring to these activities in terms of diversity or participation. Don't just keep repeating information that all the other students will be quoting, such as the speakers at the conferences or the Spring Festival. Talk of the improvements you hope to make as a participant. Don't just say you look forward to participating in these events.

I know that you feel comfortable with the essay that you wrote at this point. However, I feel that it requires some major changes in terms of discussion points and reference elements. I hope you will consider my suggestions seriously as a part of your revision process.

I agree with every point you made. Thank you! You give gave me great ideas for the next draft, which I am going to personalize more.