Harry Potter / Hunger Games - My University of Chicago Supplement essay

Tear this essay apart I need ur intake because I realy really want to portray myself in the most accurate way I can

Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performances, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

My dear readers what I am about to list to you one of the most constricted lists you will ever see. There is so much to share with you, but so little time, or space, for you see I am a gigantic fangirl. Yes I admit it, and I know what you'll must be thinking, "Dear god this girl is a fangirl, she must be crazy!" Well yes that basically sums up a fangirl, especially one that embraces the culture of tumblr, the home of all fandoms. You see when I am confronted with my favorite movie, book, or song, I will go on a rampage, jumping up and down, squealing in delight

Favorite books? Hmmm. There isn't a specific one in particular, for I look at a very wide range of genres. There is ,of course, the obvious love for Harry Potter (I mean who doesn't love it?!) and the Hunger Games. There are the occasional paranormal novels here and there. Although many people say that paranormal books are horrible, I am actually quite fond of them. Each plot is so different than other, each character so unique in their own way. Of course there is large amount. Though of course it would depend on the author's writing, because if any of those books were like "Fifty Shades of Grey" . . . Well let's just say that it will find a new home in the garbage can. Overall if I had to pick my all time favorite books, there are three that instantly pop into my head: Jane Eyre, Persuasion, and Pride and Prejudice. Yes I am a complete nut about all these books, like I have watched the TV and movie adoptions of each of these books about a hundred times each. Sometimes my friends ask me why I read such books, they are so old school, not relevant to today. You see that is where I completely disagree. Each of these novels portrays the deepest versions of love and affection in new and different ways. You can say that I am a bit of a romantic, for I love to just see what other authors define as love. Some believe in the power of lust, others in fate or destiny. But these novels take a whole new approach to it, they display love at its core, when it shines bright and glorious. Now I wish to have a Mr. Darcy in my life, for he is my favorite character, next to Mr. Rochester!!!

Favorite author? Jane Austen, definitely. I am her number one fan, and she is my writing idol. I know that many literary critics see Jane Austen as a terrible writer; portraying unrealistic tales of love and over romanticizing everything. Jane Austen always gives a broader viewpoint in her books, never letting a detail slip. I know all that is to know about the characters and their lives. She cares for her characters, and writes out an ending for them, telling me what happened to them. I love that, I absolutely love it. I always need this in books; I need to know that the characters that I accompanied in their journey, what happened to them, what became of them. Sure I don't mind a sad ending (though I will be balling a lot), but I need to know what happens to the character.

Your tone is really casual...I'm not sure that's a good thing, but maybe!
Talk more about how things affected you instead of just, "I like this and this and this".

I don't mean to be harsh at all! I think your essay is super duper cute and I wish I had the guts to put all of my kookyness out on the line too.

Would you mind reading my essay on my kookyness?

Thanks for the feed back it really helps but can I ask you something about the essay in specific? I mean should I instead elaborate more on one of the things I mentioned so as to portray my passion for them more? Or should I do something else entirely?

I'd be happy to read ur essay:)

Maybe it's just me ,but whe you said fangirl I totally thought about kpop, tumblr, harry potter, or another musician :) I didn't think that part matched well with the rest of the essay because you said you didnt have a specific favorite yet fangirls only have that favorite artist or book or movie. I kinda expected to read about how your fangirlness about something caused some funny story yet you didnt relate it to the rest of the essay. The tumblr bit threw me for a loop as well. Another tip is drop the casualty. There's a way to be quirky and unique without being super casual, it's still a college entrance essay. All that takes is some clever rewording. In the last part of your essay you did that. Though I like it, its really energetic :) Also I took your advice and changed up my essay a bit, so thanks and good luck!

I think your content and your claim is really good however like previously stated your tone is bit too casual and inappropiate for that of an essay. You need to keep in mind that although they don't want you to filibuster and lie they do want you to maintain more of a formal approach when writing the essay then what you are providing.

"My dear readers what I am about to list to youis one of the most constricted lists you will ever see."
" each character so unique in their own way." -- its own way
I intended to find some fault in style or content, but to tell you the truth I enjoy reading this essay a lot. It is REAL. And I think keeping it casual here is definitely a good thing. Keep going and best of luck being admitted by UChi!

I'm not so sure about "Hmmm." I know it says that it should really reflect your personality and show be like "your voice", but I have tried to still make mine a bit formal-ish. It's really up to you, if you think it really adds to your essay.


Try not to use "Of course" as much. It makes it seem like the essay is repeating itself, even if it really isn't.


I think this needs a comma, but you might consider taking out the "Yes"


"like" doesn't seem appropriate. I'd probably remove it.


The comma makes it better, but you might consider removing "You see." Again, the whole, don't use 'you' in papers.


You could say? I think that sounds better, but use your judgement.


I love to see what.


I think 1 exclamation mark is sufficient.


My favourite author is without question Jane Austen. Or maybe, 'Jane Austen is without question/definitely my favourite author.' The question does add more personality though, so thats up to you what you want to get out of your essay.


Redundant?


Bawling.

You might want to proofread it a few more times. Print it out, and read it out loud, find commas and stuff. A better conclusion might also do you some good. It doesn't seem to really wrap up the essay, it just sort of ends. Like a cliff hanger. It does really portray your character.

Good Luck!

I really like the tone of your essay- its casual and friendly :)

However, I wish you could use another word instead of "for" in these sentences (maybe replace it with "because"):

1. Favorite books? Hmmm. There isn't a specific one in particular, for I look at a very wide range of genres.
2. Now I wish to have a Mr. Darcy in my life, for he is my favorite character, next to Mr. Rochester!!!

Please help critique mine!! I will love you forever :) Thanks ^___^

it's missing a voice. i wish i could see your personality but i can't. be aggressive, there isn't time to be modest.

How is it missing voice

Hope my suggestions will make your essay better, historyfreak13 ;)
Hello historyfreak13, janiceli, hobak135, New Baldwin2134, aqedwsf, abhaya, collegebluond123, timobxsci :D I am in a hurry to complete my essay by 10 November. Pls help me, i really need your advice / suggestions... Thanks you a lot ^^