I have always hated waiting and yet here I was sticked around for judges verdict. UC Essay prompt 2

Can I please have some feedback on this?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have always hated waiting and yet here I was waiting. Some would say that impatience is one of the major flaws in my character. However, my so called "flaw" has been extremely beneficial to me numerous times. It is impatience that encourages me to keep on progressing and prevents me from procrastinating.

It was the day when our student life coordinators were to select the best dances for our school's annual cultural dance. My friends and I never really considered myself to be the best of dancers; nevertheless we were excited with the prospects of trying something different and choreographing our own dance for the first time. We had started promptly and had put a lot of effort into it.

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Although a bit shallow in presentation and premise, the essay works well in answering the prompt. You managed to clearly discuss the requirements and place a positive spin on what is otherwise a negative character trait. Excellent work doing that. However, I believe that you can put a better name to the trait than "being impatient", I would rather that you use the term, "go getter" to describe your attitude. The term connotes a person who does not wait for anything, instead he or she goes out to get answers or positive results for their actions. Having read your complete essay, it came to my attention that this was the character trait that you had mistakenly described as being impatient :-)

It's unnecessary to add that you think that impatience is a positive aspect of your character.
You're beginning was good but the climax and resolution seemed to unravel to quickly
Also, describing yourself as impatient won't leave a good impression.
Otherwise, great job on the essay!

Thanks for the feedback!

I was thinking that taking a negative aspect and making it positive would make mine stand out, but I guess you have a point. Do you have any idea how to put "go getter" in more formal syntax and change my essay to accommodate it. Is the grammar OK too? Any idea on how to make my climax more interesting ?

Thanks!

You can do that at the very beginning. In the introductory paragraph when you say that you hate waiting, explain that you don't like to wait because you do not like to waste time and you want to be very productive. If there is a problem, you won't stand around waiting for a solution to present itself, you are a "go-getter" that way. You go out and get the solutions to the problems by seeking it out and fixing the problem. You go out and find out why something is taking so long to accomplish so that you can offer help to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. Don't worry about the word count for now. Make it as long as needed for now and we will fix it towards the final drafting stages. After you explain the go-getter attitude, jump directly to the dance audition to keep the audience interested. I have to get back to you about how to make it more interesting. Can I have a day or two to think about it? In the meantime, go ahead and revise the essay using the advice I gave above. I'll work closely with you on this essay.

Thanks a lot!

Unfortunately (and ironically) my deadline is in a day or two, so I don't think I can wait around;however, thanks for the feedback and the assistance.

I took your advice and here is my updated version. I know you probably don't have time to go over all of this, so I guess some feedback will be great.

I have always hated waiting and yet here I was waiting. If I were to describe myself in one word, it would be "go-getter." Some would say that this sort of attitude makes me come across as impatient; however it has proved to be extremely beneficial to me numerous times. If I encounter a problem I am unable to bring myself to stand around waiting for a solution to present itself. I prefer resolving the issue sooner rather than later.

It was the day when our student life coordinators were to select the best dances for our school's annual cultural dance. My friends and I never really considered myself to be the best of dancers; nevertheless we were excited with the prospects of trying something different and choreographing our own dance for the first time. We had started promptly and had put a lot of effort into it.

I nervously paced back and forth; sweat dripping down my forehead and a frown etched on my face. Looking around, I could not help but notice a sharp contrast. My friends and other classmates were cheerfully talking among themselves. Suddenly, all conversation came to an abrupt halt as one of the judges emerged from the meeting room and started announcing the first round of selected dances. My feelings of eagerness quickly turned to shock as I realized our name was not on the list.

My friends assured me that maybe our dance will be mentioned in the second round. I wanted to believe them, but I refused to accept that our routine had not made the first round as we had worked effortlessly. I could not control myself knowing that that there was no way to change the judge's minds after the final round, and my feelings of shock quickly turned into resolve. And so, I strode into the judge's room and probed for an explanation to why we weren't selected. I did receive a few surprised looks and feared that I may have offended them; however, one of the judges decided to look into it seeing how tense I was. My worst fears manifested themselves as I realized they had not received our email at all.

I immediately ran to our library and emailed them the video just in time for the second wave of announcements. Much to our relief, we had made it and we went on to win first place!

This achievement meant more than winning a competition; it taught me valuable lessons as well. Though my tendency to immediately rush into things may have caused me a few grievances, it has been extremely beneficial to me numerous times.. After every success or failure, a new problem that requires my attention arises and it is my "impatience" that encourages me to keep on progressing and prevents me from procrastinating. I live in the moment.

My pain problem is that some parts of my essay sound a bit awkward and I don't know how to put certain terms into words. Any help with that would be apreciated.

Thanks once again!

I've got a few suggestions to help you improve the essay :-)


- The paragraph has a stronger impact without the generic sentence at the start.


- ... never considered ourselves to be the best dancers ...


- ... selected dancer s.


- our group will be ...


- worked tirelessly .
- Effortlessly means to not have to work hard at doing something. I am sure that is not what you meant.


- an explanation as to why we weren't...


- why our application may have not been in the list.

Hey!

I decided to submit yesterday as I didn't want to take any chances. However, I decided to completely revamp the structure of my essay. You were right when you said that impatience doesn't really link to the anecdote, and so I changed the idea.

I really appreciate your help though!

Anyways, thanks!