Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
When I was in the 10th grade I had a revelation that would forever change my life. My story of it goes like this. Once again, I came home to find my mom s husband (who is the father of the 3 youngest of us 5 sisters) not home at a time when he should have been there. I asked my mom where was he, and she replied, "he's gone!" When I asked her why, she told me that she was tired of pulling the load and taking care of our family without any support from him. I then posed the question to her, "what made you just make that move so quickly?" to which she answered that she had had enough of raising her daughters in a household with a father who wasn't willing do right for his family. That thought resonates in my head constantly and it is the catalyst for my determination to succeed.
I like the idea of your essay, but I think the ideas need to be developed more. I can see why you put in the part about your mom's husband, but you don't tie it in very well to the rest of the essay. You could use a better transition from your statistic likelihood to the importance of education.
"Oh, did I fail to mention that I am sports fanatic, which is why I want to major in a sports related area where I can make a difference."
--although that part is good to have, it seems random and thrown in where it is placed. I would put it in the second to last paragraph where you can put it with your passion for learning coupled with your lost of sports.
Thank you.
Capitalize the first word of the quoted sentence:
replied, "He's gone!"
... her, "What...
Statistically, the likelihood of a child within such a household achieving success, or even graduating from high school, is dismal at best.--- If you are going to assert this, it's important to cite a real statistic or two. They are easy to find via Google.
Suggestion: state that your mom became a single parent, and explain it in only a sentence or two. As soon as possible in the essay, get to the part of the story where you began to learn and change, appreciate new strengths or interests that you develop. That is the important part.
And at the end, use some of their key words... any of these: student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
:-)
Thank you. I've rewritten it. Can you provide input on the rewrite?
Concentrated attention to education was not a part of my life until it was almost too late. I grew up in a home where survival was trying to get through the night without listening to the fights between my mother and her husband. He was not at bad person just very volatile and was solely dependent on the income of my mother. She carried a very overwhelming load of the household and the rearing of 5 girls. Yes, she made sure we went to school, but that was it. The importance of achievement and excelling was not in our world. The change in my life came while I was in the 7th grade. My grandmother married my grandfather who is strictly all about education and doing whatever it takes to make an impact in life. The change did not only come over me, but my whole family. I came home one day and I asked my mother where my stepfather was? I was very surprised to hear that she had made him move out. I thought about all the stealing, crying and pain my mother had gone through and I made a vow to myself that I would be the catalyst that would encourage my 4 sisters to be independent and not let the circumstances of life knock them down. I started really concentrating in school and doing my work and not playing around. This positive action earned me a turnaround award in the 8th grade. When I had the opportunity to enroll in the early college program with the encouragement from my grandparents, I recognized that I could realize my dreams. I took advanced classes and I thought I was well on my way to the top. As time went on I started to feel weak, I started breaking out and patches of hair fell out. The doctors could not find out what was wrong with me and I started to think that maybe I was dying. My work suffered although I never missed a day of school. I played basketball, volunteered tutoring underprivileged kids. I rose above my pain. In the 11th grade things got worse and I was diagnosed with Lupus. My first thought was to just give up, but my grandmother gave me some excellent advice. She told me that we live and we die, but it is what we do in between that makes a difference.
I want to leave a legacy of strength, fortitude and a determination that no matter what life challenges face me and to not give up. I will make it and be that beacon of light that shines for all to see. I started out slow, gained momentum, got knocked down, but still I strive. I want and need the opportunity to be a solid leader and a trailblazer in society while I can for as long as I can. If given a chance, I know that I will bring commitment and dedication to the University of Florida.
