"From my heart 'till the end" - UF, UCF, UM Essay

This essay here has been recovered by the miracle of God and I would like some serious evaluation on it. I am trying very hard to reach the November 1st deadline for UF and UM. I plan to use the same general idea for all 3 of these colleges, as I believe it is very important. They are my top 3 college choices in Florida. Right now, the word count is at 517 words with 2,897 characters (with spaces).

ANY HELP A.S.A.P. WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! THANK YOU!!

UF:
Essay: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Please submit a 400-500 word essay. You can compose the essay in a word processor and then paste it into the text box or you can type directly in the text box. When you are finished save your work.

UM:
Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has special meaning to you.

Your essay or personal statement is an important and integral part of the application process. Your academic credentials and list of achievements give us information about part of your life, but your essay will provide us with information about you that is not requested elsewhere in the University of Miami Application for Admission.

Please write an essay (300-400 words) about one of the topics listed below. We recommend you copy and paste your essay from a word processing program into the text box below.

UCF:
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

My mother once told me that when I write I should write from the heart. This past year, I have experienced many obstacles and heartbreaks that have had a significant impact in my life. Shakespeare once wrote, "This is the winter of our discontent." Well, this past year has been the year of MY discontent. Besides losing my grandmother and great-uncle, my nuclear family started to unravel, and my otherwise presumably stable environment fell apart due to an ugly word: DIVORCE.

Fall 2008, I started noticing a change in my family dynamics; my father was more distant and withdrawn than ever. My band "invitational", a meeting of local bands that compete, was marked by my mom, as usual, dedicating her time to my school experience; and my dad, nowhere to be found. This was even more pronounced by the fact that my grandparents did not go see me. You see, little things you do not notice as a kid, you notice as a young adult. Thanksgiving and Christmas came around, and my father was not with us, I confirmed this thing I felt and noticed was real; My family was falling apart, and my life would never be the same again. At that time, I realized I was not only losing my family, but I was losing my childhood.

My father moved out, my mother consumed herself in her work, and in the process of divorce, and my paternal family became distant to me. Everyone I cared about on my dad's side seemed to ignore, chastise, and distance themselves from me. My grandfather, who was my best friend, became a stranger. This hurt more than my father leaving. I still to this day do not understand what my parents divorce has to do with my father's family divorcing me. I understand they take his side over my mom's, thinking I side with her --- I don't. I do side with reason and the reality I see. I do not like being in the middle of a battle I do not feel should be mine; however, I have two younger brothers who I felt responsible for after my father left. Even though mom told me they were not my responsibility, I felt I was the "man of the house" which brought in my mind the responsibility to guide and teach them, and protect my family.

I have always done well in school. I am dedicated, responsible, engaged, personable, friendly, and funny. This last year, I felt my work deteriorate, and my good grades and enthusiasm fall below standard. As I write these essays for college, I try to set my life in order, and realized what I learned from this past year. I learned that my deep-rooted belief in perseverance and commitment is important to me. I learned to be balanced in work and play. Mom said, "Anthony, this is your senior year. Do well, but have fun." I know to this point this past year; I was just existing, and not living fully. This past year has helped me become a well-rounded person. I can sympathize and empathize with other people going through difficult times, and I can help them. I have become more ambitious and responsible, and I believe I bring a spirit of enthusiasm, commitment, and steadfastness to this school. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes of my family's demise on my way to starting anew; soaring high, never to let anything, or anyone stand in the way of what I feel is important and what I feel I can contribute to this world and this school, which in my opinion, is plenty.

More possible ideas I want to incorporate in the essay would be characteristics such as perseverance, commitment, intuitive, well-rounded, understanding importance of priorities, and "The Summer of my Discontent", and still maintain high standards.

If possible, please also include any techniques to how I can rephrase my essay to shorten the word length. That is one of the features that is killing me.

The vocabulary trips up the reader. Some of the words are used incorrectly, but it is more than that. It feels like an assignment for a high-school English class where the teacher wants sentences using all of the week's words and the students has plopped them into as few sentences as possible just to get the assignment over with. It is okay to be a little more simplistic.

The essay also feels a bit disorganized. You are trying to answer all three prompts with the same essay, but you would be better off tailoring an essay to each of the schools. UCF asks about a "bump in the road," where you have a chance to explain a dip in grades or other anomaly in your record, but the others are asking for something entirely different--they are chance to shine, a chance to show the schools what kind of person you are and how you would be a good addition to their student bodies. With the bump in the road essay, there needs to be a little more redemption at the end ... this is who I am, this is what happened, this is what I learned, this is what I bring to the table because of that experience. With the other two essays, the format could be more like: this is who I am, this is what turns my crank, and this is why it matters to a college community.

I agree with Notoman, you need to do an essay for each school, not try to get it all done with a variation of one essay... Other than that I think you have a really well thought out essay, just tone down the diction and make the essay a little more friendly.

Notoman and sthakor92,

Thank you for the response. I will try my best to write a variation of each. At least I figured I could use UF and UM for the same thing, but I'll do my best.

I understand what you are saying about the vocabulary. I was trying to put some emphasis on it because I didn't want to sound too average, because from the top of my head, vocabulary is not my forte.

Notoman

I am rewriting the posted above essay now.

You mentioned that I have used some words incorrectly. Would you mind listing some of the words for me? In addition, if you have any more precious time to spare, would you mind telling me what parts of the essay posted above I can keep similar to each other for each school.

Thank you both with much appreciation.

Sincerely,
~Anthony Dardano

"Growing up recently" makes it sound like you haven't grown up--until just recently. Ineffable means inexpressible, but the connotation goes deeper. Usually when something is ineffable, it is because of a spiritual or sacred nature. When you use "ineffable" and then say "ways that I still can't describe," it is redundant.


Verisimilitude is another tricky word because of what it connotes that something appears to be true. Even "vile," which on the surface appears to mean "bad" connotes sexual depravity and sin. This sentence seems to say, "The appearance of truth that a sin has occurred is not a mirage." It gets muddled. It is kind of like using several double-negatives in the same sentence where the readers has to keep track of the writer's intent.


I see what you are saying here, but it is not immediately clear. "Surge" means a forward motion--usually a billowing or wave-like motion. It wasn't really a wave that disrupted your family life, but the newly-formed undercurrent of animosity between your parents.


Languish is a verb. Languished is the past tense. She languished in an abusive relationship. You are using it here as an adjective to describe your parents' connection. If you omitted the word "seemed," it would allow "languished" to act as a verb. "Propose" can mean to suggest, but it doesn't work here. "Propose" is more like making an offer or plan--you propose marriage, propose a new business plan, propose an exchange of services.

I am going to run out of time to comment on every sentence like this, but let me point out just a couple of other things:


A valuable scholar? Did you mean "made me value scholarship"? No offense, but I doubt that there is a high school kid out there who is really a valuable scholar. In my mind, that distinction is reserved for people accomplished in their fields.


Not the word you want here. There are pitfalls to using a thesaurus. Effete can mean drained of energy, but it also means sterile (as in unable to reproduce), decadent, and effeminate. It has become a euphemism for sissies and homosexuals.


It isn't a tale of sympathy. A tale designed to invoke sympathy?


The tone here is too negative and is a little more insight than an admissions committee would want. The caps on "DEATH" make it look like you have designs to off one of your parents. While a parental divorce is disruptive and painful, it is common and many children survive it. Show a little more redemption here. Have your bump, but then get over it. Don't get me wrong, I am not psychoanalyzing you or saying that the situation doesn't suck. But ... for an admission essay, it won't put you in a good light if you linger on the pain that your parents' divorce caused you.


This is a broad statement and unrealistic. Life is full of failures--large and small. Instability is also a part of life. The opposite of instability is stagnation and that isn't a positive trait either. You may strive for success, but accepting the occasional failure with grace is a hallmark of a mature and self-actualized person. AND ... while you have some say and control over the failures and the stability of your life, you do not have complete control. You may decide that you won't accept failure, but it will come your way regardless.

Notoman
Thank you very, very much for your input. I have spent lots of time rewriting a new essay on the basis of this one. Here is what it looks like.

SEE ABOVE

Much better! Your writing really flows when you toss the thesaurus aside. There are a couple of small grammar errors, but I will let other users point those out. I had my wisdom teeth out this week (we are on fall break) and the drugs are kicking in. I might start seeing commas where none belong.

Noto, you are a hero.