Help reviewing my main Common App essay

If you dont mind taking a few minutes just read through my essay and give me a few comments or suggestions about what you think. The more opinions the better! Thanks!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Deep breathe. Capo on the fourth fret. First D then F. Up. Down. Up. Down. Deep Breath. Sing. All of these thoughts raced through my head in the final seconds before my solo performance of "Hey There Delilah" during Battle of the Bands just a few months ago. My nerves started to get to me, but I was already up there and just needed to start playing. So one deep breath later, I started singing for well over a hundred people. Looking back on that moment, deciding to play in front of my peers and teachers was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I have played guitar for almost ten years now and have always loved to sing too, but until last year, I had not had the nerves to perform in front of anyone other than family. When sign ups for Battle of the Bands were announced, I initially ignored it, but after a few days of hearing more about it, I decided to take a form. I held on to the form for a few days, doing nothing with it but contemplating whether or not I was capable of performing in front of a few hundred people. One day though, just took a risk, filled out the form and turned it in.

I only had about two weeks to prepare for my performance and even though I had already picked songs and knew how to play them, I needed to practice for a while. I brought my guitar to school every day those two weeks and would find a place to practice when I had time during the day. I started playing the songs I planned on performing to a few friends in order to start feeling comfortable playing in front of people. Despite all the practice I had leading up to the performance, I was nervous beyond belief. My heart was pounding faster and harder than I had ever felt before in my life on stage, but it would all be worth it in the end.

I am now comfortable sharing what I love to do, singing and playing guitar, with everyone. During the beginning of my senior year, I joined an a cappella group in order to improve my singing and work on becoming more relaxed while performing. Now that people knew I could sing, my friends and even some of the teachers were pushing me to audition for the school musical and I now I have a role in the musical. Playing at battle of the bands has led me to find many new activities and passions in life. I bring my guitar to school almost every day, because any amount of free time I have during the day, I love to just sit down and play. Recently I have started writing my own music and being able to play my music for other people is so gratifying. Currently I am working to perform with two of my friends, who also sing but have never done so in front of a large crowd, in an assembly at school where we would play a few acoustic songs for everyone. Seeing as all three of us are nervous, we are able to help each other give ourselves to confidence to be ourselves on stage.

Last year, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. The risk I took has made myself a better person by boosting my confidence and belief in myself. I have learned countless things about myself and other people that are continuously shaping who I am today from everything I have done in the past few months. Music is an outlet for all my stress and while I'm playing my guitar I'm calm. Not only that first performance at Battle of the Bands, but also every one after that has been important to who I am today and who I hope to be in the future.

I really like it! The only advice i would give is show a little more and tell a little less. What I mean is use some more descriptive language instead of just telling us exactly what you did. Carry what you did in your first paragraph throughout the whole essay! Goodluck!

Please look at mine too! the thread is called "UIUC Essay #1- Interest in Business from past experiences" Thanks!

Here is my updated version:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Deep breathe. Capo on the fourth fret. First D then F. Up. Down. Up. Down. Deep Breath. Sing. All of these thoughts raced through my head in the final seconds before my solo performance of "Hey There Delilah" during Battle of the Bands just a few months ago. My nerves started to get to me, but I was already up there and just needed to start playing. So one deep breath later, I started singing for well over a hundred people. Looking back on that moment, deciding to play in front of my peers and teachers was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I have played guitar for almost ten years now and have always loved to sing too, but until last year, I had not had the nerves to perform in front of anyone other than family. When sign ups for Battle of the Bands were announced, I initially ignored it, but after a few days of hearing more about it, I decided to take a form. I held on to the form for a few days, doing nothing with it but contemplating whether or not I was capable of performing in front of a few hundred people. I knew I would regret not playing though, so I filled out the form and turned it is.

I only had about two weeks to prepare for my performance and even though I had already picked songs and knew how to play them, I needed to practice for a while. The chorus room and I became best friends the next few weeks and I found time during my hectic school schedule to rehearse my songs. I collected a few of friends to come and listen not only to give feedback on my song selection but also to start fighting an uphill battle against my nerves. Despite all the practice I had leading up to the performance, I was nervous beyond belief. My heart was pounding faster and harder than I had ever felt before in my life on that stage, but my risk would pay off in the end. After the last strum of my guitar and everyone clapped and cheered, each breath I took felt like ten pounds falling off my shoulders.

I am now comfortable sharing what I love to do, singing and playing guitar, with everyone. During the beginning of my senior year, I joined an a cappella group in order to improve my singing and work on becoming more relaxed while performing. Now that people knew I could sing, my friends and even some of the teachers pushed me to audition for the school musical and I now I am part of the cast and have gained a new family. Playing at battle of the bands opened innumerable doors and encouraged new passions in life. I bring my guitar to school almost every day, because any amount of free time I have during the day, I love to just sit down and play. Recently I have started writing my own music and playing my own music for other people is remarkably gratifying. Currently I am working to perform with two of my friends, who also sing but have never done so in front of a large crowd, in an assembly at school where we would play a few acoustic songs for the student body and faculty. Seeing as all three of us are nervous, we work to give one another the confidence to perform for such a large crowd.

Last year, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. The risk I took made myself a better person by enhancing my confidence and belief in myself. I have learned countless things about myself and other people that are continuously shaping who I am today from everything I have done in the past few months. Music creates an outlet for all my stress and while I'm playing my guitar I'm calm. Not only that first performance at Battle of the Bands, but also every one after that has shaped who I am today and who I hope to be in the future.