Help/Suggestions for CA Prompt 1 - "I killed a Bird"

Hi,

The following is the prompt for the Common App essay that I am working on.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I have some general questions:
1. Should I continue to work on this topic? Cos death is qutie a sensitive topic...
2. What does this essay tell you about me?

Any other comments or feedback? Thanks in advance!
______________________________________________________________________ ____________

I am a sinner. At only the age of nine, I took away the life of another.

It was an ordinary day, when my life would be changed forever. Simply out of my curiosity, I chose to take a detour that day while walking home from school. Even though I no longer remember the reason, I decided to walk on the grass along the curb rather than on the pathway itself. That was a mistake.

As I skipped along the path jovially, I suddenly felt something beneath my foot. Shocked, I lifted my leg and turned to catch a glimpse of what it was. To my horror, it was a pigeon. It curled up as it made a few agonizing sounds - a scene that would be entrenched deep in my mind. At that moment, a middle-aged Indian man who was right behind me witnessed the event. He pointed his fingers at me accusingly, stared into my eyes intently and murmured, "You're in trouble...You killed the bird..." I was traumatised; I was accused of murder. The man's words only intensified my guilt.

His words still rang in my head occasionally. Even though it was not instantaneous, I knew I had shortened the lifespan of that pigeon greatly. The pigeon's death left a greater impact on me than I imagined. Prior to the event, I could feel indifferent about killing insects. An insect's life meant little to me then. However, the pigeon's death demonstrated to me how precious each and every life is. Its death made me ponder over the sanctity of life. Who am I to assign values to lives? Every living thing has its rights to live; I never killed even an ant again.

That was not all. Since that day, I avoided grass fields as much as possible. I even subconsciously developed a habit of walking with my eyes fixed on the ground to keep an eye on where my feet were landing - this had saved the lives of a few snails and many insects. I was oblivious of this habit until someone told me three years ago, "Why are you always walking with your head looking downwards? It makes you look dejected all the time." I was stunned. I found out later that I had been afraid of repeating history - I did not have the courage to face my mistake. I did not want to claim responsibility over the pigeon's death and I wished that that day could be erased from my memory. This I soon realised was meaningless and immature because it could change nothing. After all, what is the purpose of crying over split milk when nothing is being done to remedy it?

Nine years ago, I killed a bird. Its death made me realise the hard way that I do not want to become a 'destroyer' in future - I want to become a 'creator'. Currently, I'm but an ordinary student. That is why I want to attend college - so that I can create more pathways for myself to create even more things. I strive to become a physicist who can create ideas, theories or materials that can one day become a positive force in the society.

Today, I am still a sinner. But for the rest of my life, I will redeem myself.

(548 words)

Let me answer your second question first, I am not trying to accuse or making a random guess or anything but since you ask what I can tell about you from reading your essay. I think according to your religion (I assumed you follow a religion), killing a life (regardless of whatever it is) is a very serious sin. I can think of Buddhism (please do not take my words too seriously if its not Buddhism). Since not everybody follow the same religion, I think it is best to mention your beliefs in the essay to clarify the reason why the life of a pigeon can make such a big impact on you, or you can even say how much you love animals. Because to other, killing a pigeon is just a mistake that may shock the "killer"at that moment but they will soon forget so you have to make the reader share the feeling you had at that moment. I can see that you are also very sensitive to things around you and will try your best not to make the same mistake twice which is a very good thing when you writing to college, they want something positive.

To answer your first question, death is a sensitive subject, but as I said before, the gravity of the problem depend on the perspective that you have toward it. To some, even killing their pet will not make them shed a tear, so it is the writer responsibility to convey those feeling to the reader. Here is the BIGGEST thing, when you write college admission, does not matter whatever the topic they give you, include something in your essay to let them judge if you are the right person for that college. The major or goal in the future when you attend to that college. For example, this also talk about death (my words and i just write them at the spot so not that good): I witnessed the death of a complete stranger, he finally whispered the last words to his family members and friends then closed his eyes and waiting for eternity to consume his body. At that moment, to be able to help these people is the only goal i have in life, to give them more time to be with their family and friend. This actually talk about you want to be a doctor or medical of some sort. Your reaction to the problem is kind of generic compare to the drama that you put on for the death of the pigeon. Your reaction should also be something that the college will make an interesting note on you. It is hard to make the reader to feel bad for the bird compare to the lives of other bigger things: pet, humans, etc.

Your grammar is okay, but i feel the sentences lack the flow to it, kind of choppy. I think it is fine to stick to this topic but try to improve the conclusion (how you affected by it). Sorry it is long and sorry if I said something wrong. I hope it help at some sort. Good luck!

Hi,

Thanks a lot for your input! =D

With regards to the religion part, actually I am an atheist and have never had a religion. That's why I'm not sure how to fit that part in. Afterall, my values and perspectives have been shaped by literally everything and everyone that I've been in contact with because they all have influenced me to varying degrees. It is all the subtle influences that helped to define my character so I dun really think I can truly explain these in words.

Btw is my essay too long?

I have made some changes to my essay. Not sure good or bad. The edited parts are in italics:

Any form of feedback is welcomed. Be harsh if necessary.

Thanks a million =D

This essay really resonates with me. I had a similar experience involving a grasshopper. It was half crushed beneath my 11 year old foot, mangled and suffering because I had accidentally stepped on it. The only reason I had not completely crushed it was because I noticed it at the last second as my sneaker was coming down on it, and I stumbled to avoid crushing it. It was suffering so much, though, half crushed and writhing around. I had to kill it.

I think this essay is really excellent, but I want to encourage you to stay focused on your purpose. That means you have to think of what impression you want to make on the reader, and write accordingly. When you get to the part in italics, I feel like the essay is already complete, and i feel like the last two paragraphs in italics are not as powerful as the rest of the essay. I suggest rewriting those last paragraphs so that they focus on the "impact" the experience had on you as a person who is now entering this particular degree program. Know what I mean? Every essay is about something different, but every essay is also about the fact that you are applying for admission to this program.

Hi,

Thanks alot for your input. It is really useful. :) I agree that the last two paragraphs are a bit weak so I decided to replace them with 2 much shorter paragraphs.

I'm trying to show that I subconsciously resorted to escapism but realised that was not right. So i'm trying to imply that I will face and reflect upon my mistakes. I'm also trying to show what my 2nd last paragraph says. Are these shown?

Any more suggestions? Anyone?

Thanks a million in advance :)

It's great... the intro is swift and intriguing, and the story part is told in a way readers can really enjoy. It is difficult to create an autobiographical essay people can enjoy but you did it. Here is the only part I don't like:

I strive to become a physicist ... yuck... the word strive is always melodramatic. And it is important to say your goal is something more than becoming a physicist. You'll have a specialization, so discuss what that might be.

:-)

the ending is not really relevant with the whole essay. you should explain more about HOW THE EXPERIENCE CHANGE YOU TO BETTER PERSON