1. Describe the world you come from--for example, your family, community or school--and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Hey guys, I desperately need help with prompt 1. I recently just whipped this essay up. It's not much yet, but any help and raw criticism is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
I scooped up the remaining rice grain in my bowl. It was 6:59pm. One more minute until I had to go upstairs and work. I watched the clock, my eyes fixated on the moment the hand hit 7:00. The last "tick" was my cue. I got up and swiftly paced through the door. With each hop up the stairs, I attempted to mentally measure the amount of work I had to do. I reached the top of the steps, standing outside the door where destiny awaited me.
My half sister, who was much older because of the fifty year age gap between my parents, opened the door. Like always, it was pitch dark inside. She apologizes in advance and flicks the light switch on. I followed her to her room and sorted out the stack of mail she gave to me. As I opened the first envelope, my sister got out her Braille writer in preparation to retype the letters as I recited it. When I reached the last envelope, I cracked a slight smile. With a dignified expression, I read the last letter. And, with the last word, I let out a sigh of relief.
Ever since I was six, I've been helping my blind sister read her mail. By helping her, I have also helped myself by expanding my vocabulary. I was proud to be able to give back to someone who has given so much to me. Being raised by a single mother, I did not have many options, and was limited to a restricted amount of activities. Whether it was piano lessons, Chinese school, karate class, or just listening to me in my times of need, my sister was the one person I was able to look up to for support financially and mentally. She has inspired me to be who I am today, and has taught me the real meaning of giving.
If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that everyone needs someone. Everyone needs help. It is a never ending chain, and we are all essential to each other's lives. And as my life progresses, I aspire to be within the "help chain" and put others at ease. Like I have helped my sister, I aspire to be one's guiding light through their darkness.
I think this idea has potential to be better but definitely needs more work.
" I reached the top of the steps, standing outside the door where destiny awaited me. "
Destiny sounds to cliche and vague in this matter, try using another word.
Emphasize more on the influence of having a blind sister has had on you and explain the thing that she has given to you and why you are appreciative of that.
Hope this helps :)
Hello!
Your essay is off to a great start!
A few grammatical things:
- Change "I attempted to measure the amount of work I had to do mentally " to "I attempted to mentally measure the amount of work I had to do".
- Change "sorted out the stack of mail given to me " to "sorted out the stack of mail she gave to me ". Avoid using passive voice!
- "I also helped myself practice to expand my vocabulary" is a little awkward. A better approach would be something like "I also helped myself by expanding my vocabulary".
You could expand on this part: When I reached the last envelope, I cracked a slight smile. With a dignified expression, I read the last letter. What about that moment made you smile? Why did you feel dignified?
You could also expand on how your sister has helped you grow as a person. What else have you learned from helping her aside from ? Have you faced any challenges with having a sister who is blind? If you have, how have you overcome these challenges and how have they shaped your dreams/aspirations?
Overall, you did a great job of answering the prompt! But I think you can say much more about yourself.
Good luck!
This is a good place for a hyphen:
fifty-year
50 year gap? Is that even possible!? Yes, I suppose it is. Cool!
You can do it all in the present verb tense or all in the past tense, but stay consistent:
She apologizes apologized in advance and flicked the light switch on. I followed her...
Great topic! I think it will be even better if you condense this theme into 50% of the space it currently requires and add a secondary theme for the essay. Add a new dimension to it, and consider the implications of both themes to explore your plans/aspirations.
:-)
