Helping Community in Florida - MIT Supplemental Essay

I am not sure if I am on the right track with this essay. Any comments and suggestions would be appreciated!

At MIT, we bring people together to better the lives of others. MIT students work to improve their communities in different ways, from tackling the world's biggest challenges to being a good friend. Describe one way in which you have contributed to your community, whether in your family, the classroom, your neighborhood, etc. (200-250 words)

the community garden job

The pile of mulch seemed daunting, exacerbated by the Florida sun shining down on me, but I picked an old red garden shovel with one hand and gripped a wheelbarrow with another. It was another hot afternoon in the community garden, and my job was to spread mulch around the vegetable beds and water the plants. I've done much volunteering through my school and at my local hospital, but working at the garden has been the most rewarding. With the help of my mom and grandparents, I tend to my family's garden plots in a community garden. I feel a sense of satisfaction when looking at the trellises tangled with beanstalks or the bunches of leafy greens that started as seeds that I planted. I am able to help my family eat healthier with the organic fruits and vegetables that I helped grow. My family and I also donate extra produce from our plots in the community garden to a rehab center close by, and I am proud that I can help others in my community eat a little healthier.

(180 words)

You answered the prompt thoroughly and it looks great! I would just maybe put how it makes you feel to help other people in your community eat healthier. Other than that, great job

Jackie, your presentation is too short. Aim to present at least 200 words for this response essay. By increasing your presentation in terms of word count, you can better inform the reviewer about why the rehab center close by benefits from your contribution. Maybe they are running on a string budget? Or perhaps they are a volunteer organization that relies on donations? You need to better depict the reasons why your family's contribution is something that should be noted by the reviewer. Right now, the essence of the contribution is lacking.

In addition to that, the first 3 sentences seem like a constant repetition of the first sentence. You can drop the first sentence and start with the second sentence instead. That way the reviewer's attention is immediately focused on your activity instead of a throw away introduction to it. That will also allow you to have an increased available word count that you can use to explain how you plan to continue doing this at MIT through the community services or related clubs and organizations on campus.