'always helping people' - FSU learning essay admission 2012

Please help any way you can, I'll take all editing to heart. Thank you!

Prompt:
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you, and why?

Essay:
Society is perpetually changing. In order to grow with these changes, society must adapt through learning to prevent stagnation. The individuals of a society must do the same or fall behind. In my schooling career, I learned that I could not do the bare minimum just to get by. In order to be successful, I must challenge myself and thus, I grew to increase my academic standards and I advanced each year as a student.

However, learning is not just about academic achievement, it is maturing as a person as well. It is about learning life lessons and amending your mistakes. For example, I have learned as an individual to stay strong during hard times. My biological father and I were always close when I was young. However, when my father returned from the war in 2006, he was a completely changed man. He lacked the humor that once characterized him. He no longer amazed me with the platefuls of food he used to devour; he barely ate. He lacked sleep due, to flash backs and nightmares of his unimaginable two years of service. We didn't have the same communication we once had, and most importantly, I lacked the same father I had known all my life. It was extremely difficult to adjust to, but I had to move on and not allow it to affect the other important aspects of my life such as school and the relationships I still had.

Throughout my life I have learned from people just as I hope they have learned from me. I have had the desire to help people as my father did through their life-changing times of trouble, so that not only them, but the people around them could be positively affected.

As a FSU Seminole, I feel I would bring a positive influence to the campus' environment, always helping people through their troubles. I would maintain my responsibilities as a student, learning about my passion of psychology everyday in an excellent learning environment that will help me grow and prepare me for a world of constant change and challenges.

Hi! I'm applying to FSU too!

It seems as if you aren't answering the question in terms of learning, but instead service. I understand that you had to adapt to your father and his new personality, but I do not see where learning comes into play. In your last paragraph, you say that you would always help people through their troubles which seems as if it is a "service" oriented quality. I think that you should decide whether you want to talk about learning or service and go from there.

If you want to talk about learning, you should talk about psychology and the influence your father's personality change had on you and your curiosity towards the field of psychology.

If you want to talk about service, you should talk about your own experience with your father and your ability to manage your life and relationships and how that experience will help you to help others.

In any case I think that speaking about your father's influence on you is extremely powerful and important to your message!!

If you don't mind reading mine, I would really appreciate it!

You choose a particular topic, rather you almost incorporated all of them. Now, that may sound astounding, but to the admissions officers, they won't like it one bit. You need to make sure you deliver which exact topic you chose to talk about.

My guess is that your topic was the learning part? I'm not entirely sure.
Try to change it and revolve the essay around one particular subject.

Thank you everyone!