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Helping People/Technology/Biomedical Engineering ; NCSU ESSAY- WHY THIS MAJOR?



black and white 7 / 30  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
Guys, I have to apply to NCSU in two days and I am stuck with this essay. Please critique it. Also, I am terribly exceeding the word limit. Tell me how to make it short. Any criticism appreciated. Thanks!

PROMPT- Answer in not more than 500 characters, why you chose this as your major.

At the age of ten, while playing, I dropped my Barbie doll from my bed and her left leg broke. Unable to see her limp, I tied a stick at the missing leg's place and put a full length gown on her to hide it. Little did I know, at that time, that this job would interest me and propel me to make a career in it.

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed helping people, whether it was giving advice or being there when they needed support. I also liked technology. My grandfather repairs all the household items, himself, when they break down. As a child, I found it very exciting to sit beside him and watch him mend the device. When it would start working, I used to feel as if some magic took place and think my grandpa to be a hero. As I grew up, this childhood fascination augmented and I got inquisitive to know how the gadgets around me work. Many a time, I would just dissemble a device just to have a look at its construction. After quite a lot of research and endless hours of discussion with my parents, I decided that Biomedical Engineering would be the perfect field for the amalgamation of my love for technology and my desire to help others.

y0_3mma 19 / 28  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
My grandfather repairs all the household items by himself when they break down.

I think you could replace the 2nd 'grandpa' with grandfather, it sounds more formal.
I don't know what you could cut, maybe the following parts:
'For as long as I can remember' and write 'i have always enjoyed...'
'After quite a lot of research and endless hours of discussion with my parents'
I also liked technology.

i hope i helped, it is really difficult to shorten it, I myself had the same problem with my personal statement.
Bighall 3 / 18  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
I agree with gundala1. Why BME instead of other engineering majors. You could study EE and also manage to help others. After reading your essay, I don't think your interest leads to this specific major. I hope my suggestion would help :)
zdv 12 / 68  
Jan 3, 2013   #4
i think the first paragraph does not really go with the beginning of second paragraphs. they are like two introductions. so i would suggest trying to merge them. or maybe just use them in different parts of the essay.

otherwise the essay is good.
good luck


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