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Helping Someone Dear to Me- UC prompt 2



greatzak 3 / 6  
Nov 18, 2009   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment,
Contribution, or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud
and how does it relate to the person you are?


It is 5 a.m. and I am sound asleep. That is, until I hear a loud grunting sound similar to that of a cowering bulldog. I ignore it at first , assuming it was the neighbor's annoying dog, and pull the covers over my head and try to get some more sleep in before school starts. The grunting continues and sounds to be coming from inside the house. I curiously get up to investigate. I look into my brothers' room, they are peacefully sleeping. I continue down the hall into my sister's room, she too is sleeping. I realize the grunting is coming from my parents' room and begin to worry. I can hear my heart beating faster and faster as I take the long steps to the master bedroom. I finally reach the room and see that the grunting is coming from my father. Scared I call his name and wait for him to wake up and tell me everything is okay. He doesn't reply. I turn on the lights and see blood oozing down the side of my father's face. I remember my father once telling me that as a child he was epileptic and I realize that he is having a seizure and I did not know what to do. I look and see that the other side of the bed is empty and wonder where my mother could be? I remember, she is at work. My mother was always calm and in control; she would know what to do right now. My mind is in a state of panic and I realize that to help my dad I need to pull myself together.

In a second I begin to think clearly. I move my father to his side so he does not choke on the blood in his mouth. I then sprint to the phone and dial 911 asking the dispatcher for an ambulance to come to my home and explaining the situation to her. After being assured that an ambulance is on its way I hang up. I open the front door and turn the lights on. A few minutes later the ambulance shows up, and while preparing my father to be moved onto the stretcher the paramedic asks me a few questions. After explaining to them what happened they take my father to the hospital. The reality of the situation dawns on me and I am afraid for my father. I want to be with him in the hospital, but my siblings would be alone. I look at the clock; it reads 5:10 a.m.

This event took place three months ago and it is something I will remember forever. Seeing my indestructible father vulnerable made me realize that life is short and to enjoy it as much as one possibly could with the loved ones in their life. My father has been there countless times to help me up when I have fallen, and for once I have helped my father back to his feat after he had fallen. Knowing I had helped someone I care about was the best feeling one could imagine.

This is the 2nd UC prompt. My essay on the first UC prompt turned out horribly, hopefully this one is a little better.

Please point out any grammar and spelling mistakes.

Also do not hesitate to criticize any aspect of the essay.

Any help is appreciated.


Llamapoop123 7 / 433  
Nov 20, 2009   #2
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud
and how does it relate to the person you are

^You didn't really answer this part of the prompt.

feat

^feet

You spend a decent amound of space explaining the situation but not enough space relating the situation to yourself. I can only see from this essay that you have the sense to call 911 and appreciate your family, which won't particularly impress admssions.
Anguyen12t 3 / 5  
Nov 20, 2009   #3
you could tell how you take life for granted.

and maybe how you influence your siblings
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 21, 2009   #4
When you put 2 sentences together as one, you need a comma:
It is 5 a.m., and I am sound asleep.

Need a comma here:
Scared , I call his name and wait for him to wake up and tell me everything is okay.

This is not horrible! You did very well. It's too bad we need to have terrible experiences like this in order to gain wisdom, but at least now you are enlightened by the memory of it. How about if you spend some time at the end telling about the field you are interested in and how this insight will help you as a scholar and professional. Carry the theme into the future by talking about your aspirations.
OP greatzak 3 / 6  
Nov 22, 2009   #5
Thanks for your inputs the deadline is approaching so I will revise and repost soon. Thank You


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