Prompt: The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)
High school, the time in a young adult's life when the limits of mentality and individuality are tested before setting foot in the real world. When students can truly express themselves and engage in activities that spark their own interests instead of following a set guideline. While stress-filled days turn into sleepless nights, regret of choosing a class or signing up for a certain event does not intrude my thoughts.
after edit:
There's a little girl sprawled on the floor of her living room, playing with her Barbie's. That wasn't me. As a child, I'd watch my other friends play with their dolls and makeup kits as I used hand-me-down toys from my older brother; however, this didn't bother me. All the toy blocks, puzzles, and DIY kits like the robotic spider or flying helicopter intrigued my curious little mind. It guided me to appreciate how daily objects that made life so easy could be so complex and intricate when carefully examined. As I grew older, my curiosity grew too. I submerged myself at the school/public library with books that explained why things worked how they did; sometimes even bringing home books I couldn't understand on my own and having my brother explain the details.
Furthermore in high school, I loved being placed in a rigorous math and science based schedule that captivated my thoughts towards a higher level of learning. Although there were times when the workload became overwhelming, I was able to take solace in my electives. I signed up for Robotics & Automation as a thought-provoking class where I could put use the coding knowledge I learned from my three years of AP Computer Science. The unrestrained setting allowed me to express my creativity and bring my ideas to life in a way that didn't feel like work, but rather a fun experiment. The feeling of accomplishment after completing a set task through numerous hands-on, trial and error attempts with my own robot was incredible. It brought me the same kind of happiness I'd felt as a child when building Legos or finishing an elaborate puzzle to create the whole picture.
Moreover, because of a benign tumor removal performed on me two years ago, my interest in Bioengineering sparked. Coming in contact with all the advanced imaging technologies used to diagnose and treat patients and researching about my condition led me to discover a newfound curiosity for the complex human body. While the only issue my tumor left me was a scar and slight nerve damage, I know that there are people whose fates are worse than mine. It pains me knowing that there are people who are unable to enjoy the same opportunities in life just because of a birth defect, genetic alteration, or casualty that leaves them with a handicap.
With this thought in mind coupled with my enthusiasm for learning, I can already say with certainty that the broad Bioengineering curriculum at UPenn will undoubtedly provide me the intellectual and engaging environment I seek to further my passion. The flexibility to utilize various closely-connected departments on campus will not only enable me to collaborate and foster strong connections with numerous colleagues and professors to effectively make discoveries, but will also allow me to fulfill my desire of learning on a broad spectrum. With various research centers and institutes like the Center for Human Modeling and Simulation (HMS) and Penn Research in Embedded Computing and Integrated Systems Engineering (PRECISE), I can model how people with medical devices will function in society and then turn around and research how to advance those devices. I will always find my passion in math and science resulting in advancements to improve the daily lives of people who feel they were given an unfair disadvantage at life.
At Penn., my love for learning will not have to diminish because of a dull schedule or lack of resources. The happiness I felt as a child when I discovered the unknown can continue to repeat itself as I follow my passion into a higher level. There are only so many things I can dream about doing, but unless given the opportunity it will remain just a dream. At the University of Pennsylvania, I'll have the ability to turn my dreams into reality so that someday I can help others fulfill their own dreams too.
Hey, high schooler here.
The first half of your essay...needs more connection to UPenn. I can see you had a rigorous schedule, and took advantage of extracurricular opportunities, but I don't think that's going to cut it. You need to relate it to UPenn, else it could be sent to any engineering program at any school. The robotics part was cool - expand on that and how UPenn offers unique opportunities for a budding engineer.
Third paragraph is awesome, really great, your entire essay can be built around this paragraph. You tie in several specific UPenn opportunities/programs. One suggestion I have is to expand on where bioengineering will take you in the future- do you plan to start your own venture, do you plan on going into research..
Sorry if I sound a little blunt here, good luck! :)
I agree K M. The overall is fine but you need more stuff to relate specifically to why you want UPenn so badly. Visit its website and search for programs, research opportunities and clubs that reasonate with your interests and college goals.
If I were you, I would make the second paragraph shorter and invest as much as I can enhancing and polishing the thrid one.
Another thing you can think of is the structure of your essay. Two paragraphs are extremely big and this can make the reader kind of tired. It seems longer than it should be. Try to separate it in a 5 or 6 paragraph essay. (I'm not counting the first one as one because it simply does not compare to the other two - in size)
I revised it to make it more personal and engaging with UPenn; however, it's at 685 words and the limit is 650. I'm at a block of where I would be able to take out or change anything. More feedback would be greatly appreciated! :)
Rewrote it again to make it fit 650 words. Advice on which is better please :)
