This is my first time posting on this forum. Thank you in advance for all your help and hospitality. I am having trouble with this essay showing my appreciation for my religion but also keeping a wide audience focus on the message I want to push forward. I do not seem to understand how to push this idea forward in the best possible way.
What do you want to bring from your community to the Emory University community?
In my hindu religious community, it is frowned upon to think, speak or act on negative thoughts. We believe that no matter what unfortunate events are occurring in life, a positive outlook is a must. This belief comes from our legend that a goddess known as Saraswati is sitting on our tongue at all times. The moment we complain or spread negativity she makes it come true in an instant with a snap of her fingers. I believe that the moral lesson that my community follows from this legend is what I want to bring to the Emory community. I want to help motivate, inspire and help others through the power of positive thinking and being. At Emory, I want to foster a community of volunteers and students that help each other not only get through the stresses of life, depression and mental health but also help the georgia community.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for here. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.
I think that the flow and structure of your writing is already put-together and well-done. I would suggest trying to be more explicit by adding more real-world examples as to how these things truly work in reality. If you can do this, you'll be able to expound more on the credentials of your writing.
Why specifically do you think this approach is better when it comes to enhancing your application? Why is this sense of volunteerism necessary?Adding more context and definition will help you.
Best of luck.