So this is my essay for question #3:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I feel it doesn't have a good word flow, maybe I need better transitions. And does it answer well the question? Any help much appreciated!
"Hitting Walls"
For the record, punching walls is a quite healthy exercise for your knuckles. May hurt a lot, though. But the benefits such activity brings along could not be ignored. Punching walls is good for improving pain tolerance, hardening knuckle bones, as well as alleviating rage. Especially the latter. That's actually how I first got acquainted with the Wall. To be specific, my mother caused me to befriend it. She, while being strong and diligent, is a rather impulsive and self-righteous woman, who enjoys mocking others for their flaws and mistakes, but chronically never admits her own. As you can guess, I am one of the subjects that get a portion of that caustic criticism... A big portion. That constant barrage of unpleasant remarks or just plain high pitched notes, often undeserved and absurdly exaggerated, infuriated me unfathomably. The dosage progressively increased as I grew up.
When I really got enraged for the first time the preceding argument was approximately like this:
"Hey that girl should run away with her beloved." I said, peeking at some Korean TV series my mother watched, "Her parents are too cruel to absolutely forbid her to marry a man she loves. And really, there is no apparent reason."
"So that's how you think?" my mother suddenly barked, "You think it's OK to oppose your parents' opinion?!"
"But what if their opinion is flawed? You can't look only from one point of view."
"I've raised you, so you must listen to and follow my advice!" she snapped with a cracked voice.
"Why do you make yourself so authoritative over me? Am I not equal to you?" I shot, swallowing saliva nervously in anticipation of imminent tempest.
"What?! I earn money to provide for the family, and you do not! If you are equal to me then go and work!"
"I mean equal as humans. Not financially or social duty-wise. Can't I have my own opinion to be considered too? And by the way, isn't this the 21st century we are living in?" I restated, trying clear the confusion.
"You, ungrateful brat! ... " and then she went on ranting.
My head was filled with thoughts, which you might find familiar: "I hate her so much! Why?! Why is she treating me like that? I'll kill her, that's for sure!" My body was consumed with boiling hatred that gnawed me from the inside. I didn't know what to do: I thrust on chair, clenching my teeth with smothering anger; I didn't know how to suppress that overflowing feeling. But then I just rushed into my room, closed the door and started punching walls relentlessly. And punched, and punched, and punched until I started feeling acute pain in my knuckles. I stopped. I looked at my knuckles: they were bruised, violet with congealed blood underneath; skin was scratched in some areas-- luckily nothing was bleeding. I calmed down and a burdening feeling slowly subsided from my body and mind. Rage evaporated. Pain ceased. I told myself: "Hey that actually helped, but it hurts a great deal," then turned and addressed the concrete entity, "Thanks, Wall."
There were so many instances that I can't bother you with cataloging them all. So I'll dissect them. The influence of my mother that manifested through all those occurrences wasn't and still isn't pleasant to me so to say. It could have gone one way: I could've become self-conscious and more reserved; all that could have ruined me as a person. But instead I shuffled a bad hand to my favor. I have considered that as a test of my fortitude, a necessary hardship to overcome in order to become stronger. I have come to fully learn how to suppress my emotions and to calm down during fits of rage. I accepted only the criticism that seemed most objective, the other I neglected, for I know who I am, I know my flaws -- no need to remind me of that. A phlegmatic and introvert by nature, I mastered the best that comes from those personality types: patience, perseverance, emotional stability. But I have to admit without my mother's influence, even though hardly bearable, I could've been different. For that I'm reluctantly grateful. Perhaps, the most important thing I learned myself is that hatred and anger is not the way to go: they strain your nerves and exhaust your existence. Order and Composure -that is strength. But Fury and Grief - weakness.
Anyway, now I punch walls for practice.
Perhaps, the most important thing I learned myself is that hatred and anger is not the way to go:
Order and Composure - that is strength. But Fury and Grief - weakness
This is a very important lesson for life.... Well said : )I really enjoyed reading your essay... It's very different to what other's generally write because they write about "good" influencing to be "good". But you write "bad" influencing to be "good'. Well, I believe it is in line with what the prompt asks for and you have taken up a good challenge. It is very well written.
: )
Thanks a lot for feedback)
But, dumi, is my essay error-free? You didn't point out any mistakes, though I feel there are some.
Well, you have a very unique writing style and I really like it. There are certain phrases ,which I may not think of writing that way. But I cannot say they are wrong, of course I dont find grammar issues with them, because they compliment your style of writing. For example;May hurt a lot, though.
Especially the latter.
... A big portion.
------ These sentences sound pretty abrupt. But it goes with your style : ) Ok thanks). At least I'll rest assured that there are no silly mistakes.
And I want to ask you this: my essay is about 740 words but the limit set by most colleges is 500 max. In your opinion, will admission officers tolerate difference in 240 words or should I chop something out?
The essay was a wonderful work. If you want to reduce the number of words you should decrease some details of the story. U tried to describe anything accurately. This is a good point for writing but u have word limitation and for this purpose u should delete some sentences. I wrote my suggestions below :u can make the conversation a little shorter. U can delete some sentences that u think they are not necessary. Nice story, though.
I didn't know what to do : I thrust on chair, clenching my teeth with smothering anger; I didn't know how to suppress that overflowing feeling.
This statement that I quoted is OK, but as u should make the essay shorter I think you can combine two highlighted sentences as one single sentence. In both sentences you are talking about this fact that U did not know what to do.
But then I just rushed into my room, closed the door and started punching walls relentlessly. And punched, and punched, and punched until I started feeling acute pain in my knuckles
they were bruised, violet with congealed blood underneath; skin was scratched in some areas
These details are really good and the reader can completely imagine the situation , but if you want to decrease the number of words u can make all of these details as one short sentence. For example u can just mention that your hand was injured.
Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad
thanks for some advice, Ahmad)
So hard to chop your own essay, everything seems so vital.
I chopped as much as I could and still there are 618 words. I feel that if I continue, nothing distinct will be left. Is there any chance that a word limit could be neglected for a good essay ?
my essay is about 740 words but the limit set by most colleges is 500 max. In your opinion, will admission officers tolerate difference in 240 words or should I chop something out?
Sorry about my delayed response... If you have a word limit better stick to that. Let's work on coming down on the word count :)The essay was a wonderful work. If you want to reduce the number of words you should decrease some details of the story. U tried to describe anything accurately. This is a good point for writing but u have word limitation and for this purpose u should delete some sentences.
----------- I too feel this is a good way to get rid of additional words. The conversation is nice, but you can manage the same idea without being so very descriptive. You are very creative in writing. Come up with a very few (max 3) beautiful sentences to describe this situation while taking the reader on an emotional ride. I suggest you to do away with the dialog completely. : )My head was filled with thoughts, which you might find familiar: "I hate her so much! Why?! Why is she treating me like that? I'll kill her, that's for sure!"
--------- I suggest you to reduce this tone a little bit. ''I'll kill her'' sounds a bit too violent because after all she's your mom and that may convey a wrong message about your character to the reader.I too believe 30-40 should be alright. These a few more suggestions to come down on word count;It is good for improving pain tolerance, hardening knuckle bones as well as alleviating rage. Especially the latter.That's actually howThe latter was the main reason why I first got acquainted with the Wall.
------- I think "why' is better than "how" because "why " goes better with reasons and you had a reason to engage in wall punching.As you can guess, I am one of the subjects that get a portion of that caustic criticism... A big portion.
There's no harm taking off this part :)When I really got enraged for the first time the preceding argument started approximately like this:
You can remove this whole sentence and right away start with the next. I feel this does not add much value. Just come up with the incident and then the dialogue.I remember onceMm y mother was watching some Korean TV series and I happened to comment that Semmi, the main character, should defy her cruel parents and marry her beloved. Just a That casual comment. But itsoon became the kernel of a fury;Believe me, it grew fast ...
Insert this in your dialoge otherwise it sounds too abrupt;"You think it's OK to oppose your parents' opinion?!" mom barked.I mean equal as humans. Not financially wise otherwise. Can't I have my own opinion to be considered tooexpress my opinion ?
There were so many instances that I can't bother you with cataloging them all. So I'll dissect them. TheHowever, the influence of my mother that manifested through all those occurrences wasn't pleasant to me. It could have gone one way: I could've become self-conscious and more reserved. But instead I shuffled a bad hand to my favor.
For thatSo I'm reluctantly grateful to her for reshaping my character. Without her conscious, she helped me understandPerhaps,the most important thing I learned is that "hatred and anger" is not the way to go: your nerves strain, your existence exhausts.
---------- I feel you need to show that your anger is now ceased. And you have pardened her weakness. So your essay should end with the same tone and with a note that you are thankful to the person who's influence was worthy for your life. That' why I suggested these changes : ) KhanhZ:
There were so many instances that I can't bother you with cataloging them all. So I'll dissect them . However , the influence of my mother that manifested through all those occurrences wasn't pleasant to me. It could have gone one way: I could've become self-conscious and more reserved. But instead I shuffled a bad hand to my favor.
however wouldn't make sense, because the influence was unpleasant
except for that, I really appreciate your help, Dumi))
Kinda hard to reconsider your own essay objectively, when you get attached to it.
however wouldn't make sense, because the influence was unpleasant
May be you are right.... They were just suggestions and you can leave out what ever you dont agree : )
I enjoyed helping your essay because it is very well written. : )
I realize that you've worked quite hard on this and that I am late commenting, however, I wanted to point out that writing an essay about anger, especially when so vividly portrayed, is a huge red flag for admission offices. (I am a former admissions professional and have read thousands of essays for admission.) While the point of your essay is that you've changed, and that you value order and composure now, you dwell on the anger and hitting the wall for the majority of your essay. I am concerned that it will actually harm your chances of admission to most colleges. Let me know if you have any other questions, and I will try to answer.
At this point, I would recommend changing your topic significantly. Or write about how your mother's intentions were for ill, but you've turned her actions into good--by learning control and composure in the face of criticism, by learning to value justice and advocate for it, or by how you feel strongly about equality.
It is good
-> It's good
But I have
-> But I've
I think you can trim these kind of words, if you really want to just exactly limit
Alphatio, some people say that you should not use contractions in application essays
Since you are writing about a pretty difficult topic, you may want to be more cautious about how you portray yourself. As the poster above said, make sure that your essay focuses on your better qualities as opposed the negative characteristics you see in your mom. Also remember that the people reading your essays are more likely to be parents themselves, rather than teenagers, so they might not empathize with you. Your feelings and your personality do come through genuinely, which is always good.
