"I'm Hmong, a minority ethnic group of Southeast Asia" - Additional Common App

Greetings:)
On the Common App, there's this little section avaliable for any extra info. I wasn't sure if it was meant only for explaining special circumstances concerning bad grades ect. I hope that what I plan to write will be okay... Please critique.

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I am Hmong. Hmong is a minority ethnic group of Southeast Asia and is known for it's beautifully stitched "story cloths", distinctive festival costumes and harmonic sounds of bamboo instruments. However, due to the Vietnam War, many of them left their homelands and escaped to America as refugees.

My parents came to America from Laos as children in the mid 70's. They, along with my grandparents, would tell me Hmong folk tales when I was younger. Throughout my life, I found learning about my culture and my family's history interesting and I wanted to be involved with it. When the Hmong New Year was approaching, I volunteered to perform traditional Hmong dances with some others. We produced five dances in total and even participated in a couple local cultural festivals.

I am proud about my heritage, however, I was disappointed to discover that in Laos, there were limited opportunities for a formal education and for women, there were zero. I am fortunate to be born in America where everyone, including women, have the chance to go to school and pursue an education. I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity.

Wonderful start! The Hmong are a valuable part of Asian American community, so I found this very interesting. I know a person who also takes part in the dances for the festivities.

Hope you don't mind the way I critique, and good luck with admissions!

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I am Hmong. The Hmong are a minority ethnic group of Southeast Asia that are known for their beautifully stitched "story cloths," distinctive festival costumes and harmonic sounds of bamboo instruments. However, due to the Vietnam War, many of them were forced to leave their homelands and escape to America as refugees.

My parents came to America from Laos as children in the mid 1970's. They, along with my grandparents, would tell me Hmong folk tales when I was younger. Throughout my life, I found learning about my culture and my family's history interesting and I wanted to be involved with it. When the Hmong New Year was approaching, I volunteered to perform traditional Hmong dances with some others. We produced five dances in total and even participated in a couple local cultural festivals.

I am proud about my heritage, but I was disappointed, however, to discover that in Laos, there were limited opportunities for a formal education and for women, there were zero. I am fortunate to have been born in America where everyone, including women, have the chance to go to school and pursue an education. I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity.