holding my flute tightly - Common App: elaborate your activity

I need someone to revise and advise on my short essay as soon as possible. Thank You:)

1. In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)

I was holding my flute tightly in an attempt to assure myself that everything would go fine. But when I saw hundreds of eyes staring at the stage, my attempt went in vain. It was my first performance as a school worship team. The pressure that I have to play perfectly overwhelmed me. However, when the worship service started and my flute sound lingered in the chapel, I soon realized that my anxiety had vanished; instead, joy and excitement was burgeoning in me. Now, having performed several times, I barely feel nervous when I am on the stage. I even make numerous ad lib within maintaining harmony with others. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake I often made was to continuously fearing to making one. (144 words)

I'm not too sure if that's how you should write the short paragraph. Your style is more like writing the long essay.

The last sentence is fine. I hope you could explain why you joined the activity in the first place. You could explain the achievements. It would be good if you could back up the lessons you claimed with concrete examples.

The problem with having such a small word count is that you really can't take time to warm your audience up to the event you want to talk about; you kind of have to just tell them. You spend a lot of time explaining this event, but not a lot of time explaining the activity, which is what the prompt was. It is more that you are talking about this one specific time you played, rather than the enjoyment and satisfaction you get about playing in general. I also liked your conclusion, but wonder about the effectiveness of the beginning.

Thanks for advices, I really appreciated them. I wrote my essay again but I'm still not sure whether I'm doing right or not;; could you revise and advise on this one too? Thanks again for your help!!!!! :)

I joined in the local church worship team in Korea when I was in 9th grade. At first, I was very reluctant to accept the offer when the team leader asked me to play flute since I was not comfortable performing in front of people; furthermore, I was afraid that I would make mistakes and ruin the songs. However, my anxiety vanished after a couple of performances and I began to enjoy communicating with people through music. Though, I'm now in America, unable to perform at my Korean church, I am playing flute as a member of school worship team and having a blessed time. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake that I often made was to continuously fearing to making one. (140words)