Personal Statement 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Please give me some advice. Thank you!!
New World
" Ladies and Gentlemen. The Homecoming Queen of 2011 in Southlands Christian School goes to ...Alice Pai!"
" Congratulations." I hear a voice claiming softly beside my ear and I feel something touching my head. Noticing my friends screaming and jumping up from the bleachers, I know I made it. However, the plot is not shown as I imagined. Instead of waving and smiling like a queen in the movies, a wooden person with an awkward face stands in the middle of the red carpet...
Growing up in an ordinary family with deep Chinese culture, I never thought one day I would become a homecoming queen. Eastern culture is different from Western culture; most people lack of confidence in Taiwan where I spent most of my life. When I first came to America, my world changed, everything was new to me. However, I made a decision that changed my life completely.
Joining drama class was the key leading me to a new world. Before I came to America, I liked to act, but I cared too much about how others looked at me, so I did not have courage to show myself. I was too shy and afraid to perform in front of people. Therefore, when I learned that I had a chance to choose my elective classes, I chose drama without hesitation. I told myself that this was a new start and I needed to be more open and confident.
" OK, everyone, shout out your name in a weird sound..." said the wise lady with an evil smile. That was my first day of drama class, and our crazy teacher, Miss Lai gave us this hard mission. At first, I thought, " This is ridiculous. I am not gonna do it,." and then, another voice appeared in my head " Change! This is a new start!" I took a deep breathe, and sang my name like an opera."A~A~lice~" Suddenly, everyone laughed and my face turned red as fast as it could. "Don't be shy! You did well!", Miss Lai said and clapped her hands. This was our first lesson, "Be comfortable about being silly, because it is OK to be silly. No one will laugh at you when you are trying to be a good actor."
After thinking again and again, I decided to challenge myself; I joined high school theater with a lot of courage one month after the school year started. I learned a lot as a person each day by performing at the play. I have always remembered that during our first rehearsal with all the props, Miss Lai scolded us for thirty minutes because we didn't work as a team. Everyone off the stage was doing his or her own stuff and no one was helping to move the props to change the scene. Being a part of the play, we are not only responsible for our own roles, but also responsible for the whole team. We need to help each other achieve the best performance. Just like in our society, people are connected so we have to cooperate to survive.
My first play How to eat like a child was both embarrassing and a precious memory to me. Due to my first time being on stage, I made a common but serious mistake. " When you eat the raisin, first, you...you...I..." I stood on the middle of the stage and forgot my lines. At the moment, I wanted to dig a hole and hid in there. I froze up on the stage for thirty seconds, however, I felt like thirty minutes past. I did not know how the play ended. Ready for the blaming, I bended my head down. Instead of loud voice, Miss Lai said softly, " Don't be depressed, this is your first time. No one is perfect. Do not deny yourself. Remember, Don't give up and be proud of yourself." With those words, she gave me the courage to continue. Even now, when I face difficulties in my life, I always remember what I have learned from my first play and face them without fear.
Through out these special experiences, I grew and every single event has shaped me to a better character. I have become outgoing, open, and I made many friends. I like to help new students who were just like me. I seem to see my shadow on them- lacking of confidence and knowing nothing about the new environment. I want to help them get ready for the new world.
"Alice! Wave! Wave!..." I hear my escort whisper and this seems to be a beautiful dream, however, it is happening in front of my eyes. Surprised? Excited? There are not any words that can express my feelings and I drop one tear of joy. I feel proud of myself and finally, I smile with confidence, raise my hand and wave to the people.
I would suggest substituting the word 'crazy' in paragraph 4 with another adjective. It comes off as unprofessional and rude when used to describe a teacher.
"I am not gonna do it" should be changed to "I am not going to do it." Avoid contractions in writing for college essays/personal statements.
"Deep breathe" should be changed to "deep breath"
"OK" to "okay"/"alright"
Think of another word or description for "again and again".. perhaps 'constantly' or 'endlessly'
"One month after the school year started" is unnecessary information that does not contribute to the flow of the essay or the content. I believe your personal statement would seem smoother if removed.
What play? there is no background information or description that helps the reader understand the event you are describing.
Again, 'didn't' should be changed into 'did not'
Overall, the personal statement contains a lot of personality and enthusiasm. However, you should re-read and edit the entire thing to make it sound more mature and professional. I did not continue to edit the sentences until the end of the essay, but I think you understand where my concern lies. The personal statement comes off as using too much slang and can be written better.
