I dragged the refrigerator box thought thy dry, dirt patched grass, looking for a place to sleep for the night. Makeshifts cardboard structures popped up everywhere as teens constructed their homes for the night. It was Night in a Box, an event to increase awareness for homelessness and raise money for the ...
This is my first draft. please tear it to shreds. i need a concluding sentence & lots of advice!!
My character limit is 1500 im at 1700. what can i cut?
after edits:
I stood in the dinner line, my shivering hands gripping a plastic spoon and bowl in he left, and a flimsy cup of water in the right. A single ladle of condensed chicken noodle soup poured into my bowl and I took broke a white roll from the bag stamped with 99 cents in red letters. Sitting on the frozen bleachers I wolfed down the food, but no seconds were allowed, so I headed back to camp. The fairground was desolate, lonely, and cold, inhabited only by makeshift cardboard structures and teenagers huddled together in groups. I dragged my refrigerator box through the dirt-patched grass, looking for a place to sleep. The nippy October air whipped past my ears as I knelt down on the dirty ground, ripping duck tape pieces to hold my house together. When things were suitable, I unrolled my sleeping back into the brown cave and climbed in. My long legs didn't fit in the structure and as the cardboard door flaps hit my feet as I slept.
This night was lucky not a common event for me. It was a benefit called "Night in a Box" to raise money for the homeless by spending a night out in conditions similar to their own. When I woke up the next morning with a stiff back and a head cold I was greeted by steaming pancakes and hot chocolate. The United Way counselors who ran the program wanted to reward us for sticking it out all night. I then began to realize how lucky I was. I was only homeless for a night; some people are homeless their entire lives. People in poverty do not receive lavish breakfasts to make up for sparse dinners. In the warm four walls of my home, people's real suffering feels so far away. It took a night sleeping in a box for me to begin thinking outside of it.
This is my first draft. please tear it to shreds. i need a concluding sentence & lots of advice!!
My character limit is 1500 im at 1700. what can i cut?
after edits:
I stood in the dinner line, my shivering hands gripping a plastic spoon and bowl in he left, and a flimsy cup of water in the right. A single ladle of condensed chicken noodle soup poured into my bowl and I took broke a white roll from the bag stamped with 99 cents in red letters. Sitting on the frozen bleachers I wolfed down the food, but no seconds were allowed, so I headed back to camp. The fairground was desolate, lonely, and cold, inhabited only by makeshift cardboard structures and teenagers huddled together in groups. I dragged my refrigerator box through the dirt-patched grass, looking for a place to sleep. The nippy October air whipped past my ears as I knelt down on the dirty ground, ripping duck tape pieces to hold my house together. When things were suitable, I unrolled my sleeping back into the brown cave and climbed in. My long legs didn't fit in the structure and as the cardboard door flaps hit my feet as I slept.
This night was lucky not a common event for me. It was a benefit called "Night in a Box" to raise money for the homeless by spending a night out in conditions similar to their own. When I woke up the next morning with a stiff back and a head cold I was greeted by steaming pancakes and hot chocolate. The United Way counselors who ran the program wanted to reward us for sticking it out all night. I then began to realize how lucky I was. I was only homeless for a night; some people are homeless their entire lives. People in poverty do not receive lavish breakfasts to make up for sparse dinners. In the warm four walls of my home, people's real suffering feels so far away. It took a night sleeping in a box for me to begin thinking outside of it.
