Dear honor-seeking community,
You raised me up on "we are unique no matter what" life motto and I still cherish it. Your warm streets, artistic walls and ornate buildings planted in me the love of your different architecture. Your narrow streets, huge old buildings with windows that are bigger than my size never drove my gaze away. You taught me loyalty to those who care and you taught me to care about those who don't see goodness in themselves or others. You ensured that your sons and daughters recognize each other anywhere in the world. You taught me that uncle Khaled, my mum's brother and aunt Hiba, my dad's sister are people of honor in our community. They have the respectable degrees, engineering and medicine respectively. You said I should trust them the most as they know more and they have the needed experience.
I am a proud daughter of your land. I grew up loving your beautiful beaches and Cornish. However, I never wasted time on anything but following my aunt's and my uncle's steps. These steps, like your winter's rough sea waves, threw me to another land's shore. They threw me to a land that had different life aspects and values.
Like a soccer game, your people take the honor if their team wins. But, allow me to say the honor lies in reflecting about living with your people.
I was sitting in my dad's car on the back seat comfortably. My mum is next to my dad in the front seat and my dad was driving with ten miles per hour speed. Suddenly, my dad brought up a hot issue of a young man who worked in his office. This young man dressed like a lady and was seen in a café by the sea with a group of men. Normally, as your community members react, a woman took photos of the young man, Emad and spread them all over social media websites. It suddenly became a public issue. What made me angry beside the woman's reaction was my parent's reaction when they said that Emad lost "Al Sharaf" which means the honor in Arabic. I wasn't comfortable in my seat anymore. I was questioning my parents about their opinion. What honor had to do with the fact that the young man dressed like a lady? In fact, I had the opportunity to meet Emad long time ago when I visited my dad's office. Emad didn't just look like any man. He had straightened hair. He smelled Divine, an Oriflame perfume brand for women. And there was no wonder in him having feminine passion. Emad turned out to be gay and I personally think it is his own life. No one has the right to judge or interfere as long as he is not harming anyone. I believe Emad hasn't lost 'Al Sharaf'. Emad defined his own honor.
My community, I wonder how you define honor. You said a man loses his honor if he has long hair or a woman loses her honor if she cuts her hair like a man. You have always told me that honor is the number of elites and rich people in one's family. Honor is the number of doctors and engineers in one's family. You told me honor is always doing what is 'right'. Yet, what is 'right'? More importantly, who identified the 'right' and the 'wrong'? Who defined honor?
Each one of your members can define their honor. It is not a law to be followed by everyone. I have the right like everyone else to define my honor. I believe that honor is learning for the sake of using knowledge and benefiting others with the knowledge gained. Honor is helping the unprivileged ones to live on your land. Honor is turning a dreamy idea into reality. Honor is being proud of one's breakthroughs no matter what they are. Honor is feeling unique and knowing that each one of your members is unique. This is what you taught me, remember; "We are unique no matter what".
Your unique daughter,
Your feedback is much appreciated :) !
Aya, listen, I am not sure about how to review your essay. I have some questions about it such as, why is it written in letter format? If it is supposed to be a personal essay, what are the instructions you were given for writing it? I need the instructions to help me determine the quality of your essay. How soon can you post your teacher's instructions here? It is really necessary that you do that. Otherwise, the essay you will receive may not be as applicable as it should be.
When you say honor seeking community, who or what exactly are you addressing? Is there a main issue to be addressed in this essay? You seem to have a number of topics related to honor going on simultaneously. However, the most important one, you seem to have placed towards the end of the essay. The issue about gender identity should be up on the page. I think you can even skip the discussion about your aunt and uncle because that type of honor is something totally different from the gender identity honor discussion. By the way, good job on discussing that part. It was an enlightening discussion.
I believe that this essay is running a bit longer than it should be. However, I am not sure as to how to edit it so that we can focus the content in the hopes of shortening the essay. That is something I can only do after I have received the complete instructions from you. The grammar errors that exist are minimal and can easily be corrected once the final version of the essay has been created. Was this just an exercise in writing class for you? If it was, I have to say, you have the potential to be a great writer in the future :-)
Thank you very much for your insightful and encouraging feedback.
So, it is my personal statement that will be in my common application to be sent to colleges I am applying to. There are no specific instructions I believe. I wrote it in the form of a letter, yet I am not pretty sure it is acceptable (to be honest). The common app clarifies the wording limit only (bet. 250-650 words).
I wanted to discuss my thoughts on how I view honor through a story and may be various situations. But, I don't really wish to focus on the gender identity honor only, although I can.
Once again, thank you very much for your reply and feedback and I am looking forward to your insights and comments. :)
Aya, I am sorry to have to tell you this but you totally missed the mark when it comes to writing a personal statement. The statement is supposed to be written in essay / narrative format. It has nothing to do with writing a letter. Did you already apply to colleges and universities or are you simply trying to write a statement on your own without any prompt? Maybe I can help get you on to the right track with regards to writing one. Let me give it a try.
When you write a personal statement, try to write about a topic that you find highly interesting and significant to you. A really effective personal statement is always based upon your self reflection. The topic is open and therefore, can cover any topic that you want to discuss. If you wish to discuss the importance of honor to you, the go ahead and do so. Just make sure that you can connect the topic of honor with your background. The purpose of this essay is to introduce yourself to the reviewer. Therefore, you need to make sure that you introduce your strongest traits or beliefs in the essay.
That is why I thought that it might be advantageous for your essay to discuss the gender issue in relation to honor. However, that should not be the focus of the essay. Instead, your honor discussion should center upon your background in relation to your belief in the honor system. Revise the essay to use your first person pronouns instead. Rather than "you", say "I" or "me" where applicable. Discuss the world of honor that you grew up in. Then relate that world to the person you have become today and how you see yourself applying your personal honor code while a student at the university.
Keep in mind though, that some universities include a common essay prompt regarding their "honor code". Should you come across a university that does that, you won't be able to use this essay. So maybe you would like to discuss something else instead? Just in case. You can discuss anything that will help the reviewer get to know you. Topics such as how you developed an interest in this particular college major or who influenced you to pursue a particular career path are some common topics for personal statements. Try to come up with a unique topic that will ensure that the reviewer will remember your personal statement when the time comes.
It may also turn out easier for you if you just wait for the application packets from the universities and then you can just choose and respond to the common prompts that you will be provided with. With any luck, a specific prompt will be provided for your personal statement essay. That will make it easier for you to write.
