Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend"

Prompt #2 (Edit mine, I'll edit yours)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? *

The sorrow left rapidly. The scars that remained, however, will never heal. I can still remember the connection we had the first time we met. I can also still remember my trembling as I gave a eulogy at his funeral. Every detail of the hearse and funeral procession still remain vivid in my mind. My best friend, Ryan Hwang, passed away too soon. Images that gave me nightmares continue to haunt me. I unwillingly replay the car crash in my mind; and I stubbornly continue to punish myself for my uselessness and patheticness during the accident.

Death is common, but I never expected it to affect a high school student as myself. The stages of grief I learned about so tediously in health class became a reality. First came the denial and rejection. My refusal to believe the truth served as my only tool to escape the pain. Cowardly, I hid from the facts and argued with tangible evidence. But I knew the trauma had to stop eventually. When the shock had worn off, the guilt struck. Why couldn't I save him? Why couldn't I have done something in that situation? Depression followed promptly after the incident. My grades dropped, and my social life was compromised; emptiness could never weigh so much. His death acted as a catalyst for my motivation - after the depression came the opportunity and the drive to make the world a better place; an attempt to remove the sadness that previously overwhelmed me. Not all students have the misfortune to lose someone they love that early, and I feel as if that significantly altered the course of my life.

My character has been built on my experiences, and the death of my friend registered as a significant event in the sequence of my life. Mental strength and the ability to persevere became core qualities in my personality. I have noticed a major change in the way I more pensively analyze details, and in the way I appreciate my friends. If there was anything to be gained from this terrible tragedy, it would be the profound lesson that nothing can be taken for granted. I realized that there is no longer any room for hate; there wasn't enough love as it was.

Fortunately, being able to honor the life of a departed friend enabled me to transcend the wrenching pain, and rediscover the joy in living. I see the future in a new spectrum; one that is brighter, and more colorful than the previous. My impetus has been rekindled. It seems as if my thirst for new knowledge and information can never be quenched, and I strive to improve myself in any aspect achievable.

Thanks for any feedback. I'll review your essay if you review mine.

wow. I can't see anything bad about your paper, but I'm a bad writer, so I don't think I can help anyway...

Your diction is very sophisticated...
wait... I don't think patheticness is a word...

You're right, it's not. But I just like the way it sounds =/

I can still remember the connection we had the first time we met
I can also still <also still?> remember my[self] trembling as[when] I gave a eulogy at his funeral.
friend, Ryan Hwang, [had] passed
patheticness <word!>
[such] as <or [like]> myself
emptiness could never weigh so much.

His death acted as a catalyst for my motivation you should focus a bit? maybe a lot more on this part of your essay.
- after the depression came the opportunity and the drive to make the world a better place; an attempt to remove the sadness that previously overwhelmed me. <why a dash? why the semi-colon?>

I feel as if that significantly altered the course of my life. <pray tell. how? tell more and use some other terms. >

My character has been built on my experiences, <we all know that. strength the second part of the sentence.>
in the way I appreciate my friends. <another point you can focus on. something about being THANKFUL..ring any bells this season?>
If there was anything to be [I] gained [anything]
there wasn't enough love as it was.

Fortunately, <about your conclusion, maybe focus a bit more on how this event has affected you. about how these have DIRECTLY changed you, to reflect how you are.

how does this make you proud? that you were able to witness a death of a friend that changed your perspective of the world? maybe talk about how you are proud of the change that you made after..>

needed edits, <comments>, [additions/fixes], focus

Good luck with your app!
*I submitted mine but if you would like to read them, go ahead.

Sorry to disappoint you, but

"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

I just don't see how this is an accomplishment or how this makes you proud.

Unless you focus much more on how you overcame this incident. Because it seems to me that you simply learned stuff... that unfortunately don't have to do with the actual event.

True, you could learn to enjoy life or to have a thirst of learning or to appreciate your friends more after the accident, but WHY? Focus on your inner thoughts, less on the results. Say what did you ACTIVELY do to learn these things.

A teacher asked me a couple of weeks ago: Learned many things? I can do that at a lemonade stand. So why was your experience more valuable than that? More didactic?

I enjoy reading your intro, but unless you figure a way to directly answer the prompt and keep it real and smooth, it will just be another essay.

Do you think this would be better suited for prompt one?

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

Thanks for the previous feedback.

don't scram this essay for the first one. I hope you're not just starting the other one...

focus on how that event changed you and makes you YOU. otherwise, it's better for prompt 2

First of all let me say your writing is brilliant, I only wish I could create something so beautiful. However, it does seem to stray from the point of the prompt. I would think that if you expanded paragraph #3 and perhaps made some careful cuts in paragraphs #1 and #2 it would do more for you when it comes to getting into a UC.

lol your intro does have that effect

To answer your question, NO it wouldn't fit in the second one. This prompt feels to me like they really want to know what's good about you, a quality or achievement, so I recommend that you save this essay for another topic, maybe the common app one describing an important person, or else you'd have to rework it to underline your strength.

But honestly, it feels that you pretty much hated this experience, so I wouldn't recommend a rework, it will feel forced.