Hopefully, I'll be able to become successful in computer science. UC Personal Statement #2: MY WORLD

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My family owns eleven liquor stores. My parents have been working at these stores almost every day for seventeen years. My dad leaves at three PM and comes home at one AM; my mom works at night after taking care of me and my three siblings all day. Drop us off and pick us up at school, take us to Taekwondo, pick us up usually after nine PM from there, day after day after day. I hate it. I hate not having my parents sitting at the dinner table with my family. I hate people judging my parents just because they own liquor stores and don't work in some more advanced industry like medicine. They've had to sacrifice so much leisure time that they could've spent with us in order to provide a better future for me, and I will forever be grateful to them. I hope to pay them back one day for all they did for me and my siblings because it's not often that liquor store owners can send their four kids to a private school.

I hope to pursue a job in the computer science industry, which is ironic in a way because my mom doesn't know how to use a computer much at all. I want to use my passion for computer science to, like my parents say, do what they didn't how to do to. I don't want their hard work to go to waste by me having to work in the family business. Hopefully, I'll be able to become successful enough that my parents can afford to stop working and finally relax after seventeen years of loading and unloading inventory, working the cash register, and driving between three cities almost daily. Then, my parents can finally relax and type one finger at a time all they want.

My essay can only be this long since my second UC essay is about 660-670 words. I don't especially like this essay but I would like some opinions on it before I consider scraping it. I really struggled finding a topic for this essay, so admittedly what I wrote about is trite.

I think you should work on the 'how has your world shaped you dreams and aspirations' part more. Right now, there is an abrupt shift from your world to your aspirations.

Sukhpreet, here is the thing, you did not really concentrate on developing your background story. AS you said, you struggled to write this essay for some reason. Which is why it has such abrupt presentations in terms of discussion topics. Rather than being inspirational, it comes across more as simply rattling off information about your parents, your family, activities, etc. It lacks a personal connection and a sense of reflection on your part.

When you write about your family background, try to find something inspirational about your parents. What is it about your mom and your dad, as individuals that has helped you develop your character and personality? What are their best traits that you find yourself embodying in your own personality and life? Pick the top trait or the top 2 traits that you feel you can discuss and present it in an enlightening manner in the essay. What are their strongest points as parents, role models, or business people that you wish to emulate? Tell the reviewer about it. As you discuss those traits, you will find that you are already discussing how their influence has helped you shape your character, along with your dreams and aspirations.

Now, keep in mind that you are not limited to discussing just your immediate or extended family members. You can actually discuss any person who has a significant impact or influence in your life. That should help you get over your mental block in developing the essay. Just remember that the only requirement of the essay is that you have interaction with this person as a member of your community. So, you can talk about anyone from your parents, to Big Al who runs the local soda shop. All of these people are the influences in your life and all of them have helped shape your dreams and aspirations. Just choose who the specific person you want to discuss is and why .

Sukhpreet, I'm not sure if it helps saying that you personally don't like this essay but with the overall review on your essay, as much personal as you can get with your essay, this one does not really correspond to the purpose of your essay.

It started with your family's background, which is ok but a greater part os your essay is dedicated in this story which is not what the prompt is asking you to write about. I suggest re-writing the whole essay.

When you do the revision on your essay, try to re - focus on the purpose of the essay and what is the needed information that you have to include in your essay.

Next, it should highlight academic achievement, professional and academic goals, more over, write the steps you think will lead you to achieving this goal.

Lastly, you can incorporate the part where you said something about paying your family back for their sacrifices which is the ultimate goal, I mean if you want to write it that way.

I hope to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

I would focus more on how your background has shaped your dreams and aspirations! Show what you're passionate about and let the reader feel that passion. Tell the reader what your parents have taught you from owning liquor stores ( dedication, hardwork, perseverance, etc)