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Hoping to grow my knowledge and experience at UNCW, Admission Essay

Chacobos 1 / 2  
Dec 3, 2017   #1

I am in need of help with evaluating the content of this college essay as I hope to transfer to UNCW but am unsure if this essay both shows who I am, why UNCW is perfect for me, and if it can stand out. Its only 438/600 words so I feel I can expand it but not sure what, everything else just feels too unoriginal

PROMPT: Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNCW will allow you to grow as a student and as a person


my home away from home

If you ever hear the joke song, "99 Little Bugs in the Code", they mean it when that ninety-nine becomes a one-hundred and twenty-seven. During my time at Wake Technical Community College, I did not know I enjoyed programming like I do now until my final project from Game Development came around. The project required one hundred percent group work to get the project ready for presentation in the ten weeks allotted and somehow, we pulled it off despite the many setbacks from random bugs and reworks to how things were programmed. After presentation of our project was over we had a post-mortem and it was there I evaluated that even though it was a pain and every day felt like crunch time, I knew I loved to program despite the hardships it can present both as a team being treated like a company, and just what occurs in programming. With all that I decided that I want to pursue a bachelorette, possibly even a master in computer science at University of North Carolina Wilmington.

The computer Science program at the university would be a perfect place for me to put, both my passion and knowledge, to the test and expand it with the experience-based learning environment it provides. Even being able to work towards joining the M.S. program for computer science would be a huge step to eventually obtaining my dream job as a lead engineer at Valve as it provides a learning environment that passes knowledge from the real world onto prospective future leads in computer science fields. Being able to interact and share ideas is as important in a computer science field as it is in college so it would offer the perfect environment to expand and share my knowledge just as the university program does to help aid in expanding and sharing knowledge with me.

Aside from an awesome Computer Science program, I love the area and the community I could meet so far. When visiting family, there is this card shop near the university and every time I've gone so far has been an enjoyable experience with the people there. There are plenty of college students that play Magic so it even gives me the opportunity to experience some of what it's like to be around students that goes to the university. I feel that UNC Wilmington would be one of the best places to advance and finish my academic studies in computer science. So, I ask you, the committee, will you let me make your university my home away from home and be a part of its amazing community and academic program?

Holt [Contributor] - / 6,919 1721  
Dec 4, 2017   #2
Aaron, the first paragraph is superfluous in the essay. It only delivers a background of how you worked with teammates on a project. It does not have a relation to your studies at UNCW. When you respond to this essay, consider the educational facilities in relation to your major, the faculty in relation to the major, and the extra curricular opportunities at the university for the response. This is a prompt that tests your familiarity with the university and is the only opportunity you will have to convince the reviewer that you made the right choice in seeking admission to their educational institution. So, the song is out, the project is out. What is in, is the second paragraph, but on an expanded discussion scale based upon the considerations I mentioned above. Your response in the last paragraph is not appropriate. You should discuss your personal growth as a student at the university so a discussion of the university campus and its surrounding area is appropriate. It is not appropriate to discuss visiting your family and the card shop as those are not within the area for discussion. Do not close the essay with a question. You may not want to hear the answer to it Instead, convey your excitement about starting the upcoming semester with the rest of the UNCW students.
OP Chacobos 1 / 2  
Dec 4, 2017   #3
Thank you very much for the insight. Gives me a much better idea of what to put into it. So to see if I understand what you said, cut everything that isn't showing my excitement and hopes at the university and expand on it by showing excitement for everything they have to offer for their computer science department and campus as a whole?
OP Chacobos 1 / 2  
Dec 4, 2017   #4
So I revised the essay quite a lot, hopefully, it describes my want and excitement to be at the university a lot more, I'm just worried it may not show who I am and that it has no real strong opening to interest people to keep reading or a strong closing to make it rememberable.

-I did condense the two sentences that remained pretty much the same in brackets.

With a beautiful campus and a dedicated staff devoted to helping students excel and succeed in any way needed, I believe that the University of North Carolina - Wilmington is the place for me to transfer and obtain a bachelorette, hopefully even a major in computer science. [Sentence about challenging passion and knowledge]. With the chance to learn from great minds such as Dr. Gur Saran Adhar, Dr. Clayton Ferner, and many others with their years of experience, publications and what can only be described as amazing professors by students who have had them over the years. To be able to learn from them in the Computer Information Systems building with its high-end equipment and labs to grow my knowledge and discover what field of computer science I truly want. I have already discovered I love to program, it's now just a matter of finding out what field is right for me and with the many choices at the university, it is a great place to explore and concrete in my heart what I want to do in life.

The university also has a wide range of extracurricular activities at its Cameron School of Business such as the Cyber Defense Club which the field of study it encompasses is something I would like to explore, Information System Association and especially the MS Computer Science & Information Systems Student Association as it enhances the experience if I were able to join the MS program for computer science through its offers to build contacts in the industry which I understand is a pretty huge deal, one that does not come easy. [Sentence about dream job at Valve]. Being able to interact and share ideas is as important in a computer science field as it is in college so it would offer the perfect environment to expand and improve my knowledge just as the university program does to help aid in expanding and sharing knowledge with me.

Another reason I feel that this university provides is, from what I've experienced so far and heard from people, quite an enjoyable and family-like community. The community a college or university provides along with those around it really does define the experience one has with college. With the amount that the university works alongside with Wilmington itself, it builds many opportunities for one to get out there and gain the experience that life provides while also the experience that school provides. That is something I'd love to be involved in both working alongside the community and being a part of it. If able to be a part an amazing university and community would be a great new chapter in my life as I take each step towards a long-time dream.

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