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Hopkins essay, a shopping addiction


ldh8504 8 / 16  
Dec 11, 2009   #1
1. Write a brief essay in which you respond to the following question.
(freshman applicants only): Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

About two years ago, I had a shopping addiction to Benefit cosmetics. I knew all of their new products and I spent most of my allowance buying them. Its pretty characters on commercials talked to me, 'get it and be like Gabby!' Yes! I always replied gladly and grab the new products; I didn't want anything but to be like Gabby and feel the limitless satisfaction. Even the high price was another attraction-a high price insures the quality and rarity.

Several months later, the spell broke, and I saw my closet full of expensive Benefit cosmetics-- I did not even wear makeup at that time. What was that magic?

Even its price I rationalized was a result of deliberation and calculation of marketing strategies. In fact, in other cases, I too found myself buying products chiefly manipulated by marketing which seemed to read my mind. Fascinate by the power of marketing, I longed to possess that power by becoming a marketing manager.

At first, I simply thought that I would major in marketing or business administration because that seemed, straightforwardly, what a marketing manager should study. However, as I explored why so many universities simply don't offer the business course and many adults advice to major in more academic subjects, my perspective changed-there is a greater thing I should understand before I learn specific knowledge of marketing: human mind. I don't want to only chew the knowledge that somebody found by himself and wrote down on the book. I don't want to be just one of common marketing managers who work only based on marketing strategies narrowly. I desire to be the one who truly understands the fundamental truth that lies beneath the marketing. In that way, I would be a marketing manager who knows what people think and want and appeal to deep inside of their heart by using that understanding. I can earn specific knowledge in graduate school or as I work. Thus, I decided to major psychology as my first choice. This is why I chose psychology as my first choice.

I chose my second choice as economics, the psychology of money, for the similar reason. Understanding economics as a whole will help me to broaden my sight, because marketing is only a part of an enormous concept, economics. What I believe is that in undergraduate school, in the age of building myself as an individual, I should work on broadening my sight and building the basic construction in me. Understanding either basic concept would prepare me as a brand manager person who can see a big picture, rather than who is confined by narrow perspective.

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it's my 2nd draft. do u guys think that i went over the marketing stuff too much?
what do u think about the voice?
sosososo1114 2 / 8  
Dec 11, 2009   #2
Hi, I think ur essay begins with an attractive beginnig although it seems a littl long, if you shorted it, it might be better.
Twinkle 6 / 17  
Dec 11, 2009   #3
Very good and clear! I think you don't go over the marketing stuff too much but don't forget about word limit of essay. Also, emphasize about your reasons more than stuff, I think it will be better:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
What was that magic?

This first paragraph is strangely powerful. I really like it. It is nice to see some writing that really draws the reader into your perspective, your world.

Fascinated by the power of marketing, I longed to possess that power by becoming a marketing manager. ----wow, how captivating tis is! I don't know... I thought most people responded to the power of marketing by wanting to protect themselves from it! I hope you'll use your talents for good companies and help them to prevail over the irresponsible and immoral companies! :-)
fizzle138 2 / 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #5
As everyone has stated, the beginning is very good. It's a very clear well thought out essay, the flow and focus is very good.

I would try to make it a little more concise as towards the end it does start to drag a little
Katsch 4 / 63  
Dec 13, 2009   #6
Very nice, I think it definitely brings us into your mind and thought process! You do have some grammatical errors, I wish I had time to more throughly edit your paper. Try to get someone to proofread it for you.

Although the first change would be to take out one of the lines at the end of your third paragraph.
"Thus, I decided to major psychology as my first choice. This is why I chose psychology as my first choice." < It's redundant, pick one sentence or the other. (:


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