"The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

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Furthermore, due to my enthusiasm for the subject, I always converse with my organic chemistry teacher who has a doctorate degree and discerns my sincere desire for learning more about biochemistry. I learn plenty from him about physical chemistry and bioorganic chemistry. Moreover, I am hoping to take higher level mathematics courses for my personal intellectual development and to better understand the physics behinds the biomolecules. In addition to my effort in discovering new information about biochemistry, I also volunteer at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center and Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center, where I learn and provide quality patient care.

Please give me some suggestions or critique on my essay. Thanks in advance.

^This seems like I really long sentence. By the time I got to the end I forgot what the point was. Break it up into multiple ones. Also when you talk about the math it seems kinda arrogant. I understand how it may be important to include this information but try to do so in a more impartial manner.


^Its understood that you volunteering is contributing to your community. You don't have to reiterate that fact.

Overall its good though. Good luck! :)

Thanks a lot. I had a feeling the math part would be a little arrogant!

About the last sentence, I would like to add one sentence to connect the volunteering experience with my future goal of becoming a doctor. Any ideas?

Do you thing I answered the question of what I gained from my experience or involvement?

Along with demanding honors courses I am taking demanding honors courses via the RB Scholars program and working part time to support my family, I spend my free time in the public library reading and discovering new information about innovations in biochemistry and its applications.


This is awkward. How about, "At university, I will continue my quest to understand the interaction of biochemistry and human physiology"?

Thanks A lot.

Overall, do you think I answered the prompt?

Yes, I do feel that you answered the prompt.

Dear EF_Simone,

I feel that I didn't answer the question of HOW my interest in biochemistry developed. Do you think I should include the following after the first sentence?

my cardiologist uncle took the initiative to instill in me the value of knowledge of biochemistry at a very young age. He discerned my inquisitive glare and profound interest when watching surgical procedures and scientific experiments on tv; thus, he decided to test my willpower and intrepidity by taking me to the hospital and exposing me to real life situations. Observing my bravery and eagerness to become like him, he encouraged me to learn biochemistry and understand chemical processes of the human body before becoming a doctor.

Please check my grammar and syntax, thank you.

That's a fine addition to the essay.