Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family (650 words).
I am 16 words beyond the limit... (666)[/i]
Please comment, correct gramar, cooperate with ideas to improve my essay. Like it is on the subject, it is my common app essay and I need some feedback. It's kinda urgent! Thanks in advance!
I have had less sleep than I had wished. I sat down on my bed and rubbed my eyes softly avoiding the sunlight that passed through the shutter cracks. Slowly, I opened my eyes and walked half-awake towards the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and suddenly everything got clearer. I finally realized that that day was a new beginning; that that day I would walk pass the ignorance of childhood and give space for the more enlightened version of myself to blossom. My parents and siblings came to my room and congratulated me. Six in the morning and we all were already up and dressed for breakfast. I quickly placed my speech on my jacket's inner pocket and went to the synagogue.
According to the Jewish law, at the age of thirteen a boy becomes an adult. He becomes aware of his responsibilities and opportunities; he is the one to guilt for his actions. My preparation for this transition involved a lot of dedication and study for one year. Weekly, my professor, Marcel Berditchevsky, would teach me passages of the Torah, tell the stories behind the Jewish Holidays, and help me write the speech I would deliver to my guests.
At 7:30a.m., inquisitive, caring, and admired eyes looked at me while I took off my jacquet, wrapped the Tefilin (leather artifact used in the ritual) around my arm, and started reading the Torah. Everyone was staring at me while they keenly listened to my voice as I pronounced the words from the sacred blessings. After that, it was time for my discourse. The situation I found myself in was unpredictable: I had forgotten that the speech was in my jacket's inner pocket! My nervousness gradually increased as I noticed that sweat was running down my forehead and that my legs were trembling. More than 400 people were anxiously waiting for me with smiles on their faces. After two minutes searching for it, alone, I decided to speak without it.
No one was expecting me to speak without the speech in my hands, not even me. I deliberately got the microphone and started speaking. Well, I guess that not everything happens as expected. It turned out that the lessons I learned with Marcel were essential and that I couldn't have done it without them. Deep inside of me I knew the message I wanted to transmit and for the first time in my life I did something unexpected from someone my age.
Speaking in public is definitely not easy. Watching a 13-year old take a stand for himself to talk about humility, family, and love in front of a crowd is something that people don't see everyday. I picked these words because they changed me for better and I knew they could make others flourish too. Humility is something that leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible. In the same year, I volunteered at KSpace so that I would make a difference in the lives of needy and deficient children; I would be one of their reasons to smile. Regardless of our race, religion, gender, and financial differences, acting humbly taught me to provide my best for the sake of others. My family taught me valuable lessons and demonstrated full diligence and faithfulness in me. Since then, I have acknowledged it as my reason for existing and being the one I am today. With dedication and an unstoppable willpower, I have been seeking to thrive in everything I do to make it proud. Love because the love we have for each other is what discerns us from mere fragments scattered around the universe. Since my thirteenth birthday, everything I do, everything I wish, and everyone I interact with, I love. I don't know what exactly made me grab that microphone. All I knew was that from that moment people would see me as an adult and I just figured that that was the perfect time to start acting like one.
Feedback:
No noticeable grammar errors, it is fine.
Awesome introduction! I really enjoyed the descriptive details in the intro.
No one was expecting me to speak without the speech in my hands, not even me. I deliberately got the microphone and started speaking. Well, I guess that not everything happens as expected. It turned out that the lessons I learned with Marcel were essential and that I couldn't have done it without them.
I thought you can elaborate more on what was going through your mind here. How did you formulate the speech impromptu?
I picked these words because they changed me for better and I knew they could make others flourish too. Humility is something that leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible. In the same year, I volunteered at KSpace so that I would make a difference in the lives of needy and deficient children; I would be one of their reasons to smile. Regardless of our race, religion, gender, and financial differences, acting humbly taught me to provide my best for the sake of others. My family taught me valuable lessons and demonstrated full diligence and faithfulness in me. Since then, I have acknowledged it as my reason for existing and being the one I am today. With dedication and an unstoppable willpower, I have been seeking to thrive in everything I do to make it proud. Love because the love we have for each other is what discerns us from mere fragments scattered around the universe. Since my thirteenth birthday, everything I do, everything I wish, and everyone I interact with, I love. I don't know what exactly made me grab that microphone. All I knew was that from that moment people would see me as an adult and I just figured that that was the perfect time to start acting like one.
With regard to the word limit, I think you can shorten this portion in the last paragraph. I understand it is your reflection on the event, but the focus of the prompt here is the event, in your case, you giving the speech in the synagogue. I am not suggesting deleting the portion completely, but shorten it and your essay will be perfect.
Hope this helps!
I finally realized that that day was a new beginning; that that day I would walk pass the ignorance of childhood and give space for the more enlightened version of myself to blossom.
is that ok? i'm sorry but for me, it could be better if you change to 'that the day.." perhaps.
Hi Samuel and Anfa, thanks for the tips.
Samuel: in regards to your question: how did I formulasse the speech impromptu? Well, the passagem I learned to read had these messages intrinsic in it. I just took some time to talk about the hidden messages I had learned with my professor. I will find a way to put this in... but what do you suggest to delete on the last portion?
Anfa: Yes, I took some time to read it again, and again. But I was just wondering and I figured that the "that that" things was kind of intentional to emphasize that idea.
I finally realized that that day(I think I shouldn't change this one) was a new beginning; that that ((here is another story. Maybe I could right something like: "the day I would walk pass the ignorance...)
Just a question: does anybody know how can I tag another username and how to write portions of a text while I'm correcting them? just like anafil did in the blue box?
Thanks for the tips
I appreciate the help guys. However, can any CONTRIBUTORS help me with this essa? it is really important to me. Thanks in advance
I think it's powerful. The speech moment was climactic but kind of vague. It confused me. when you said "I picked these words from the passage I read from the Torah because they changed me for better" I'm not sure I understood what exactly you quoted, and whether your speech was a Torah quotation, or you simply quoted it to make a point. But overall I liked it
Philipe, I happen to know someone who had a Bar mitzvah and I believe that aside from this actual ceremony itself, there is another activity that you could have discussed in relation to your coming of age in the Jewish tradition. The rabbi in this case asked the boy to consider his wealth in life and how lucky he has been. As a boy coming of Jewish age, the rabbi explained to him that there was more he could do now than he used to for any cause that he felt near and dear to his heart. In this case, the boy officially marked his Bar Mitzvah with, aside from the ceremony, a visit to the local animal shelter where he officially volunteered his free time from then on and also made a hefty donation of animal related items and food supplies which he got from his birthday guests in place of his official gifts. He chose animal rights as his cause in life and has made it part of his life from that moment on. That was how he chose to show his sense of adulthood and sense of responsibility for himself and for those who cannot defend themselves. His is a coming of age story that shows the way a cultural tradition for him, amounted to a transition into adulthood for himself. Do you have a story similar to that? It does not have to be Bar Mitzvah related. That was only an example. It just has to be a story that shows you taking responsibility for actions and deciding to somehow make a small but marked difference in the world we live in. Perhaps your volunteering for KSpace would fall under such a category?
