Prompt I: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
Prompt II: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.
Is my essay answering the two prompts?
This essay is just the first draft... look for any grammatical errors or anything... any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
[College] is an immense pot of culture and knowledge; it is a community where you just contribute to make it better. Since I can remember, I have been always preparing to college, to take this small, but at the same time immense step in life. I was 4 years old when I first had contact with a book that I could understand; it was the time my mother teach me to read the fairy tale "Snow White and the seven dwarfs" by the Grimm brothers. This tale is interesting converted into a film by Walt Disney where it became more descriptive; it named the dwarfs as their personal characteristics.
Since young age, my family, friends and teachers have described me as an assertive, creative, and charismatic... kid, teenager, man. Assertiveness is in my soul. I cannot run from it. I am assertive because I am committed to what I think, but I hope I also seem respectful to others' decisions and open to others' ideas. I am sure my assertiveness will attract other people's assertiveness and empower them to express their own ideas, which will cause to bring out the leaders out of their interior.
My creativity is something special, I admire of myself. In the world, creativity is what keeps this world moving. Without creativity we would be in a gray and black world without majestic designs of architecture, splendid master pieces of art, effective acts of law, fun and healing music, and helpful advances in technology. With my creativity, which comes in all my actions, from simply playing my acoustic guitar and creating melodic songs to argue political issues with my family and teachers, my colleagues will be spread with innovative ways to achieve great contributions to our future community--[college].
I am a comedian by nature; I was born with this gift. I was not only the mentor of Adam Sandler and George Lopez, but also the writer of the dialogues of several movies including "Cheaper by the dozen" and "Shriek." This helped me to become a great leader and developed my charisma.
If I was a dwarf, I do not know what my name would be.
With these and more of the characteristics of my persona I will contribute to better the fantastic community of [college]. My assertiveness, creativity, and charisma have done an excellent work in my actual community; and I am sure they will help, with others' characteristics and qualities, to contribute to all what makes [college] the vast community it is now. I know for sure that with my characteristics, my new friends, teachers, and my whole new community will be enjoying their time with me, and I with them.
Why don't you specify on each of three characteristics?
I think this essay itself is too vague to grasp the idea of who you are...
I read, and re-read
but I don't still have your image in my imagination.
I don't think the admission officers want this too
I think you should write creativity instead of creativeness.
Deciding what to bring to college is, as a matter of fact, nothing of which I can be certain . No one, except Boston University itself, will define whether what I am bringing to the community is beneficial. But rather than decide if it is beneficial, if it is extravagant. what does that sentence mean?
Some people describe me as assertive, because I am committed to what I think, but I hope I also seem respectful of others' decisions and open to others' ideas. My assertiveness will attract other people's assertiveness and empower them to express their own ideas, which will cause an immense pot of ideas and better yet, bring out the leaders out of their interior.
Creativity is what keeps this world moving.
I like your personality!
Some people describe me as assertive, because I am committed to what I think respecting others decisions and open to others' ideas. My assertiveness will attract other people's assertiveness and own ideas, which will cause an immense pot of ideas and better yet, bring out the leaders out of their interior.
^Is assertive the right word to use here? To me, it seems like the word "open minded" would be much more fitting. "Assertive" connotes a go-getter, someone who is aggressive.
Creativeness is what keeps this world moving. Without creativeness we would be in a gray and black world without majestic designs of architecture, splendid master pieces of art, effective acts of law, fun and healing music, and helpful advances in technology.
I feel like you could cut this out altogether...it's more of a generalization than something personal about you.
I am a comedian by nature. I was born with this gift. I am what most people call a life-liver. I believe in carpe diem with ninety nine point ninety nine percent of my soul. I know for sure that with my great charisma my new friends, teachers, and the whole community will be enjoying their time with me.
^This paragraph isn't cohesive...first I thought you were going to talk about your comedic talent, then you jumped into carpe diem and charisma? The three are nowhere near the same definition..unless you tie them together better.
Overall, you need to "show" more than "tell." It's all fine and good to say you are this, this, and that, but without examples/anecdotes/stories to back them up, it's not terribly convincing. Also, while the essay works for the first prompt, and it could work for the second one, I would, if I were you, write a different essay for Yale's prompt. Keep in mind that Yale is extremely competitive; you're going to need an essay that will differentiate you from all the other strong applicants. Listing 3 adjectives probably won't cut it. I'd suggest focusing on a specific memory, accomplishment, personal quality, etc, and really diving deep into it. Put that creativity and humor to use! Write something funny, perhaps, that will showcase both your humor and uniqueness. You essay is really a chance to jump off the page, beyond adjectives and descriptors.
I am actually working on this essay for BU as well. I think your adjectives are great, but your descriptions are too vague. I dont get a sense of who you are at all. I agree with mmmargarita. You definitely need to show more. Dont just tell about how you play the acoustic guitar, show (in words, obviously) what it means to you and how it relates to the adjective. Also, just saying that your funny does not make you seem very funny. Use your sense of humor to add to your essay! :)
