Husband is being stationed in Ft. Lewis, Reasons For Transferring and the Objectives

I have decided to transfer from my current school, Muskingum University in Ohio, to a new school in Washington merely for the fact that my husband is being stationed in Ft. Lewis. We recently got married and I am excited that Washington will become my new home. I love the school I am attending now, but am excited for such an opportunity and ability to obtain a different taste of college. There is not much about my school that I dislike so I do not have any specifics I am looking for, such as harder classes or more diversity. I am pretty easy going and trust that I will get a decent education at a range of school. My main hope is to, obviously, get my college degree. I also am hoping I can not only have a great education, but the opportunity to meet many new people. I am involved in a few clubs on my campus now, including Relay for Life, American Chemical Society, dance team and Praise choir. I am also in a sophomore honorary, Lambda Sigma, and in a local Christian sorority. Being so involved in things on campus is really important to me. I feel that the bonds made during college will last through life and that clubs are a fun and ideal way to initiate these bonds. I also am grateful for this change in school so that I can explore more career options. I recently am majoring in Middle Childhood Education with concentrations in Math and Science but have found many of my subject oriented classes to be challenging while my education classes to be contradictory. Though I enjoy the range of classes Muskingum University has to offer and the LAE's I have had to take, the education classes have not been for me. Many schools in Washington do not offer this major as an undergrad program, so changing my major may be in my future. I will be able to see if a change in scenery is what I need to be able to tackle these challenging classes or if what I really do need is a change in majors. I have also been weary since the beginning of the education department at Muskingum University. Though the education program is known to be a great one, I know of two teachers from my high school who graduated from Muskingum only to become terrible teachers. When I first looked at colleges in Ohio I was thrilled for living on campus; now I feel that being able to live off campus will benefit me more. It will allow me to focus more on my work instead of what my housemates are doing. Living in my own house will enable me to have the quiet, alone time that I need in order to put all the needed effort into my homework. I enjoy school very much and know I need a college degree to go anywhere in life. My main objectives are getting my degree, staying involved, meeting new people, and to learn. I enjoy learning from every aspect and cannot wait to broaden my horizon at a new school.

of course i will break it into paragraphs. this is just a very basic rough draft.

I have decided to transfer from my current school to Muskingum University in Ohio.

I think the ending is strong-and is a good conclusion to your essay.

One suggestion I have is to not start off your essay with (paraphrase): "I'm only transferring to this school because my husband is getting transferred with his career" It almost seems demeaning to the school. Maybe talk about how you have to move because your husband is getting stationed in WA, but don't say that's the only reason you're switching schools. I would really suggest that you focus on what's good about the school you are transferring to and change the tone of the essay from you need to transfer, to: you are looking forward to transferring to this new school.

Another thing I would stay away from is talking about whether you will live on or off campus-because it doesn't matter to the school. They don't care what your reasoning is for living off or on campus, they just care about why you want to transfer there.

Additionally, don't talk about the two teachers who were terrible that graduated from the school you are at now. It doesn't set a good tone for your essay, and it's totally unnecessary.

and finally, I know that you talked about how this is a very rough draft-but you definitely want to fix grammatical errors and wording.

Hope this helped!

Okay, your intro is not very inspirational or interesting, but you do express a very powerful kind of honesty, simplicity, and appreciation here...

I think that first paragraph works pretty well. Ordinarily I would suggest scrapping the inconsequential stuff and replacing it with something meaningful, but somehow you achieved some special quality here, and I do not want to disrupt it. You can leave it the same up until here:

I am pretty easy going and trust that I will get a decent education at a range of school. I think you should replace that with a thesis statement that tells what you are all about.

My main hope is to, obviously, get my college degree. This is unhelpful, too. Do a paragraph break after that thesis statement, and then spend the rest of the essay showing that you have a well-devised plan and that you have researched this school to which you are applying, and perhaps learned about some of the professors, etc. and what books or articles they have written.

Also, do not write it in all one long paragraph! Do paragraph breaks.

I also am hoping I can not only have a great education, but the opportunity to meet many new people. Do not waste any words with statements of the obvious. Include only the best stuff. :-)