I thought that scooping ice cream would be easy. My first week of work proved otherwise. I tipped the mop bucket over, and spilled gallons of soapy water on the floor. I was embarrassed, but I didn't panic. To dry the floor, I skated around the shop floor with towels under my feet. The waiting customers were so amused by my mistake that they left me an extra large tip. My enthusiasm and jokes kept customers smiling, even if they received a special "leaning tower of ice cream" cone. I ended that summer with a strong scooping arm, worn out sneakers, and knowing that when life got slippery, I would dance.
It can be 150 words and I have about 110. room for improvement?
Maybe you can talk about what you have learned from this experience, such as how it introduced you to a workplace environement?
Btw, can you check mine too? Thanks :)
Try to use more complex sentences! Try adding a few conjunctions and commas; maybe a few semicolons! You should talk about how the job affected you, such as giving you a more positive outlook in bad situations/ working taught you the virtue of patience/ blah blah. Good luck and overall it's not a bad essay!
Thank you! Any other comments???
Your question was "is the essay too childish?". Personally, it does seem a BIT childish to me, but not too much so. Your last sentence is really strong and pulls it all together. The third one is really strange though. You jump into talking about the spill without establishing how you got to that point. This can be corrected easily by adding something like "I was mopping the floors when..."
Overall though, this is really good!
thankyou! any other feed back is REALLY appreciated. I'll edit your's too
I don't think that any particular essay topic can be "too childish" because it is more or less how you write the essay that conveys if it is childish or not.
Try something more like this (114 words):
I thought that scooping ice cream would be easy, but my first week of work immediately proved otherwise. I clumsily tipped the mop bucket over, and spilled gallons of soapy water on the floor. I was embarrassed, but I didn't panic. To dry the floor, I skated around the shop floor with towels under my feet. The waiting customers were so amused by my mistake that they left me an extra large tip. My enthusiasm and antics kept customers smiling, even if they received a special "leaning tower of ice cream" cone. I ended that summer with a strong scooping arm, worn out sneakers, and knowing that when life got slippery, I would dance.
This is a place where "that" is in the way:
I thought that scooping ice cream would be easy. My first week of work proved otherwise. I tipped the mop bucket over (no need for a comma here) and spilled gallons of soapy water on the floor.
And one more little correction for this excellent essay: I ended that summer with a strong scooping arm, worn out sneakers, and knowledge that when life got slippery, I would dance.
Great stuff here...
I like your tone...specifically....not childish at all..i think your personality reallly shows through this, may be you can go into a little more detial..i felt you were kinda rushing to conclusion..
