Hi guys.
I am a Mongolian student. I am applying ti IIT and need someone's help to check my essay. Would you help me?
I have written my second little essay. The question is "How will do you think IIT will prepare you to be a positive contributor to the world". no more than 2000 characters. And here is what I have done. I am sure there are many mistakes. Please, correct me.
Even in the most difficult situations I feel myself happy because I have brilliant friends. People who meet me always admire my friends and ask how to find such good friends. And most of them think that it is very difficult to make friends and requires long time, tremendous persists and economical ability. But the ...
(after edits:)
The reason why I asked God to create me and the reason being human are to do everything that I can for my nation, for people around the world. I should use my body, my brain completely to satisfy my desire to create and help. For a long time my country, my parents have given me everything that I need. My debt is enormous and I have little time to give it back. I strongly believe that Illinois Institute of Technology will help me to reach my goal and not to beg again God to create me.
Becoming a student of Illinois Institute of Technology I will get the opportunity to be friend with many scientists from whom I will learn and whom I will teach. Sometimes, even strong, intelligent, and ingenious people need help. I will tell them words they need, present smiles to encourage them, be friend to understand and opponent to sharp. And also I will suggest many interesting ideas and ask fascinating questions which will be the beginning of innovations and developments. Having a great relationship with foreign scientists and being educated are the most important things for me to reach my goals. Because my dream is to design and open a computer science, technology and information center of Mongolia that serves as a scientific bridge between Mongolia and other parts of the world. A center like this could have a tremendous significance in promoting international understanding and goodwill. Computer Science can contribute to this mission in several areas such as technical and educational exchanges and economic and environmental stability.
I know how strong is asking for something. Even I am young and strong I was in many difficult situations and asked many people for help. This anxious feeling even more incites me to think, be diligent patient and brave. But there are many students who are in worse situation than mine. And when I graduate, I will do tremendous works to help these students and give them beliefs to their lives.
YOUR ESSAY IS COMPOSED OF TWO PARTIES
THE FIRST ONE (THE BEGINNING) IS A LITTLE WEAK ARGUMENTATION , YOU TALK ABOUT THE FRIENDSHIP . I THINK WHAT IS REQUIRED FROM YOU IS TO TALK ABOUT THE BENEFIT OF THE SCHOOL ITT TOWARD THE WORLD . SO YOU CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT ARE DOING NOW , OR ABOUT YOUR SPECIALITY.THE WOLRD IS NOT JUST FRIENDS
I THINK THE SECOND PARTY OF YOUR ESSAY HAVE MET THE PROPOSAL OF THE SUBJECT. IT WAS MORE INTERESTED , EVEN TOUGH YOU TALKED ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD BE WITH PEOPLE.
OPENING A CENTRE LIKE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA , YOU SHOULD ARGUMENT MORE , AND GIVE THE RELATION BETWEEN YOUR DREAM AND THE ITT. HOW ITT WILL HELP YOU TO REACH THIS GOAL .
I SUGGEST YOU TO WRITE PLAN FOR YOUR ESSAY SUCH
TALK ABOUT ITT
WHAT ARE YOU STUDING IN ITT
WHY DID YOU CHOUSE THIS SPECIALITY
TALK ABOUT YOUR GOALS OR YOUR DREAMS
WHY DO YOU WANT THIS
THE BENIFIT OF THIS CENTRE FOR OTHERS
(ARGUMENT A LOT IN THIS POINT)
TALK ABOUT HOW WILL CONTRIBUTE IN THIS CENTRE
CONCLUSION
THIS IS JUST MY OPINION.
WHAT IS WONDERFUL IN YOUR ESSAY , THAT THERE ARE 0.5% ERRORS . CONGRADULATION. YOU HAVE JUST TO BASE ON YOUR IDEAS.
But the answer is simple than(IS SIMPLER THAN WHAT THEY THINK) they think. That is love and desire.
Becoming a student of Illinois Institute of Technology I will get the opportunity to be friends
(TO BE FRIEND....)with many scientists from whom I
Sometimes, even strong, intelligent, (AND)...
to encourage THEM...
be fiend with them or you can say BE FRIENDLY
Thank you so much. You are great! I understand what you are meaning and I will try to make it better. Thank you again!!!
Hi! I have made a little change. Correct me please. I have a problem that I can't write more than 2000 characters and can't argue more about my goal. Please feel free to comment.
I don't understand the part about asking God to create you. Do you mean "recreate you" or "create you anew"??? Try this:
The reason why I asked God to create me anew, and the reason for being human are to do everything that I can for my nation, and for people around the world. I should use my body and my brain completely to satisfy my desire to create and help. For a long time my country and my parents have given me everything that I need.
My debt is enormous and I have little time to give it back. I strongly believe that Illinois Institute of Technology will help me to reach my goal and not to so that I do not have to beg again God to recreate me.
Becoming a student of ... --- many of your sentences are very good!
I know how much strength I can gain by asking for something. Even though I am young and strong I was ...
But there are many students who are in worse situations than mine. And when I graduate, I will do tremendous works to help these students and give them beliefs to encouragement to succeed in their lives.
