Most Important activity: volunteering a Zither store/ UBC personal Profile

I have written a draft for the question but is it too undescriptive? Am I explaining its importance well enough? Please give some suggestions.

Prompt:

Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you.

Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. You will be asked for a reference who can speak to your response.

(maximum 350 words)

The most important activity for me is my volunteer experience at a Chinese Zither Store. In December of 2019, I was requested by my teacher to start volunteering at her store as a teacher's assistant, which I have committed to attending every Saturday, from 9am to 4pm. There are a number of tasks that I have to go through each day such as teaching students how to play the Chinese Zither, making sure all the instruments are tuned to their correct key, and also recording the attendance and transactions made by the students. From volunteering at the store, I have learned many valuable lessons and skills such as the importance of being on time and to tune instruments efficiently. In the beginning, I broke many strings while tuning, however, my teacher patiently taught me the techniques and tolerate my mistake each time a string was broken. Through many practices and broken strings, I learned to quickly tune the instrument when needed, as well as changing the keys from one to another on different Zithers. Another accomplishment that I am proud of is successfully teaching a young girl to play the zither, while assisting her in achieving high grades on her Grade 4 level CCOM Technique Exam. I taught her the skills she needed to beautifully play her exam songs, as well as teaching her to clap the rhythms. Another skill required by the exam is to sing the tunes without playing the instrument. The student who I taught had difficulties finding the tune in the beginning, however, through encouragement and determination, she is now able to sing the melody of a piece with one glance at the notes. Seeing the students transforming from junior to masters leaves me a sense of fulfillment from my volunteer experience.

Thanks in advance!

@k009999
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you somewhat of an idea of how to improve your writing.

Like what I said to a previous forum member, packaging truly changes the game when you are writing. Puny mistakes can go a long way, dragging your content even if you are trying to make it as sensible as possible. For example, if we take a look at your first sentence, you could have easily mentioned that you had learned a lot from your volunteer experience at the store instead of reiterating what the question is. Doing this gives you leverage, making you appear more truthful to the rest of the writing.

There is also no need for you to mention details that are unnecessary to the rest of the writing's purpose. In this question, they were mostly asking you about what you learned from the experience. From that, it is easy to understand that they don't necessarily need to know all the technical information regarding the experience. Be mindful of this because it can impact your writing in the long-run.

Be cautious as well of the way you knit your sentences together, especially because this can affect your writing's overall comprehension. Stick with simpler sentences if you can because this will be a lot more appropriate and easier to digest.