Hi Guys =) I wrote about the experience that is important to me. How does it relate to the person you are? Am I on topic? How could I make it better? Thanks so much =)
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All kinds of thoughts ran through my head as I anxiously waited for the airplane to land. What if people do not understand me? What about racism? I tried to bottle up the anticipation and put it aside; however, I felt like Alice in Wonderland entering into a new dimension. Although my family assured me that I would fit in to America, I had tremendous doubts.
I began attending schools and adjusting to the new language. I was easily able to adapt to the American school curriculums that taught students to think creatively and openly for themselves. It was a new experience for me as I have learned to follow strictly from the teacher's instructions. However, the cultural barriers never slipped away in my mind. Why did Americans tip after eating at a restaurant? Why did they pay individually when they ate with a group? Thus, when my parents decided to spend the summer in Korea, I was overjoyed and thrilled.
A few weeks later, at Incheon International Airport, I felt the rush of comfort and a deep sense of relief. When I saw one of the elders had dropped his book, I ran to pick it up. Excited for what I have done, I greeted the elders and handed him his book. However, my elated state of mind soon subsided when the elders walked away, criticizing my demeanor of delivering the book with one hand. I had forgotten the Korean etiquette to use two hands to show respect for the elders. I tried to ignore it, but my sense of discomfort grew as I spent more days in Korea. My cousins had to get a haircut, as the Korean schools required all the students' hair to be cut to a proper length. Also, they could not wear any make-up or earrings. Because I only had gone to an elementary school in Korea, I was not cognizant of these stringent school rules. I thought of the independence given to American students and the usual American's courtesy in passing objects with one hand to the elders. Suddenly, these American customs now appeared rational to me. It was evident that aspects of American culture had been embedded in me.
Why had I not considered the admirable traits of America sooner? It was not the culture that had prevented me from adjusting; it was actually my unwillingness to look beyond my limitations. Although the differences were overwhelming and challenging to overcome, it helped me to become adaptable to changes. Now that I am capable of observing from the vantage point of two discrete, unique cultures, I have perspectives that others do not have. I will continue to seek out discrepancies between the two cultures and embrace them. After all, we are so different, yet the same.
We indeed have a similar topic haha. your essay looks good so far! Nice contrast between Korean and American cultures. However,. I think it would be more appealing if you write more about yourself . Thanks for commenting mine :)Good luck!
It's really good. I especially like the part when you question Americans' strange customs. However, this essay kind of makes you seem like you're a loner who can't fit in with Americans (which is a problem, since you're applying to UC's)
"As years passed by, my feelings of alienation grew. I was homesick. I could not see myself adjusting to a culture that I could not comprehend."
And at the end you realize you don't fit in with Koreans, either. So you don't fit in anywhere. You travelled to Korea because you felt alienated, so it doesn't make sense to say "These American customs now appeared rational to me. It was evident that aspects of American culture had been embedded in me."
Idk, that's just what I thought right after reading it. Take it for what it's worth.
Really good. It shows that yo have grown from your initial awkwardness with American Culture.
I would suggest that you elaborate more on how you came you adopted American customs. You sort of jumped from feeling alienable to accepting of American culture. Ease the transition. And good luck on your apps :)
I think your essay shows that you are perceptive and reflective. Nicely done!
Maybe you can elaborate on how you began to embrace American culture after your revelation?
say u are from korean in the first paragraph.
i like the contrast, and your concept
but you need to write more about what you got from this overall experience.
so far , you only have that last paragraph
Hey guys =) Thanks for all your help. I've edited my essay, so criticize away! =)
Thank you so much! How could I add more voice in it? I can't seem to show my personality...
Hi!
"Although my family assured me that I would fit into America, I had tremendous doubts."
But for this sentence, maybe you want to put another word for "fit in"? It makes you sound like you're a thing. or a puzzle piece or something.
"However, the cultural barriers never slipped away in my mind. Why did Americans tip after eating at a restaurant? Why did they pay individually when they ate with a group? Thus, when my parents decided to spend the summer in Korea, I was overjoyed and thrilled."
It might help to inform the reader about what Korean culture is like.
Overall, it was a pretty good essay but you might want to put more individuality into it. I'm sure there will be 1,000+ essays about people moving to America. You want to stand out. :D
Good luck!
OMG~ I HAD GOOSEBUMPS!!! HAHA
i really like your essay and i really can relate to it...
i dont know about fixing anything because im not so good at writting..
but i will give my opinions...
I could picture what you wrote as if i am watching through TV so i think you really spoke out through your writting~ and i really like that you wrote that it was your fault instead of blaming others...
I'm so jealous.. you're so good
I really liked it :))
Thanks for critiquing mine. The last quote is that a sound byte? If it isn't add a sound byte. Just a suggestion.
I was easily able to adapted to the American school curriculums (it comes up as red underlined on the text) that taught students to think creatively and openly for themselves. It was a new experience for me as I have learned to follow strictly from the teacher's instructions. However, the cultural barriers never slipped away in my mind. Why did Americans tip after eating at a restaurant? Why did they pay individually when they ate with a group? Thus, when my parents decided to spend the summer in Korea, I was overjoyed and thrilled.
Nice concept. I really like all the self directed questions. It really emphasized your culture and the hardships of assimilating. Good work and good luck!
I tried to bottle up the anticipation and put it aside; however, I felt like Alice in Wonderland entering into a new dimension.<-- I like this reference
It was a new experience for me as I have<--had learned to follow strictly from the teacher's instructions.
Why did Americans tip after eating at a restaurant?<--LOL me too
Excited for what I have<-had done, I greeted the elders and handed him his book.
Because I only had gone to an elementary school in Korea, I was not cognizantI feel like this is an awkward word chocie. You don't have to feel obligated to use big words. of these stringent school rules. I thought of the independence given to American students and the usual American's courtesy in passing objects with one hand to the elders. Suddenly, these American customs nowchoose between 'suddenly' and 'now'. It's a bit redundant. appeared rational to me. It was evident that aspects of American culture had been embedded This ('It was evident'..'had been embedded') is a passive voice. Active voices are always stronger. in me.
Now that I am capable of observing from the vantage point of two discrete, unique cultures, I have perspectives <--a perspective that others do not have. I will continue to seek out discrepancies between the two cultures and embrace them. After all, we are so different, yet the same.Strong Ending! I like it.
