What is important to me? PROTECTING OUR NATURE AND ENSURING ANIMAL WELFARE

UBC Personal Profile (Max. 250 words)

Many people have many important task/desire/goal to focus on or to accomplish. So have I. But the most important and most meaningful motive i have to ensure that natural green zone is safe as well as all the wild/domestic/marine animals ( especially vertebrates which are in massive danger). That's why apart from my study i signed numerous petition to sustain the basic privileges of animals and joined in multiple protest on street to let our green heaven and voiceless souls thrive in peace. I'm also a team member of a non-profit organization called VOICELESS INDIA and soon going to be a workshop coordinator in my own city. Now why is it important? Because, besides trees, wild animals and other species help to maintain an ecological balance of the earth but since the dawn of homo sapiens, they're in a oath to destroy the world not only for their demand but for their endless lucrative motives. And if mother nature presses the ' reset' button, then its game over. So this message is very important to send every human's conviction to make a part of their daily life. Furthermore, now it's the ethical point. Earth is the only place where any living species can have a life and defray and we r no exception. Through ancient time till now in the age of gadgets we are heavily relying on her and all of her children. So annihilating her completely is not an option.

- any suggestion is humbly welcomed.

Hi!
You have a motive in your essay, however, I would get rid of the first sentence because it's a bit generic. Start directly from your second sentence, and perhaps give the readers a scene of you of preserving wildlife.

I would also work on your concluding parts. The sentences are a bit choppy, and there are some grammar errors.
But overall, good message. :)

I would not want to confuse the reviewer by using dividers to create choices in the presentation. You are writing this essay, make that decision for yourself. That should not be something turned into a "choose the correct answer" for the reviewer. Pick the meaning of the sentence and use the proper word for your presentation. Presentation wise, you should remember that punctuation is very important when writing these response essays because a foreign student aiming to enroll overseas, in an English speaking country, you have to prove that you know the grammar rules that they follow. The sentence should have been presented more properly as :

So have I, but..."

BTW, all singular I letters in any presentation is considered a first person pronoun and should be capitalized. Additionally, when you say "numerous" you mean a plural reference to "more than one" so "petition" should be in plural form as well and presented as "petitions". There is also a present determiner problem in the essay. When the word sounds like a vowel, use the determiner "an" before it. You made that mistake in the presentation of "...in a (an) oath..." Please add a comma after the word "So" as that is required when referencing and introductory element.

Additional grammar corrections:

- ... and soon, I will be a grammar coordinator...
- Do not start any sentence with the connecting word "because" as that is not connecting 2 ideas in one sentence. You can start with "Besides trees, wild animals..."

- Do not use contractions in an academic statement presentation. Say "they are" instead of "they're". In fact the correct presentation is "They have taken an oath to..."

- ... their demand, but...
- Again, do not start a sentence with connecting words like "because" or "and".
- Wrong determiner usage ; "it is game over".
- Text spelling is definitely not allowed! "we ARE no exception..."
- ... ancient time till now, in the age of gadgets , we are ...

Add a closing statement that better closes the essay with a statement that circles back to the reason why this is important to you. The essay has the look and feel of an open ended, rather than concluded essay at the moment.

Thanks Mr. Holt. Actually the question is, will my essay content really have some problems with my programs? Because I'm applying for History Honors ( undergraduate) but my content is on environmental studies. Another question is should I have to edit my essay?

Hi, in my opinion, usually in graduate school essay, you need to find a correlation between your designated major and your essay content. However, I don't really know about undergraduate essay. But I think it will be a good choice to preparing an essay that explain about the connection between your choice of major, your motivation, and your personal background. Thank you.

Without knowing what the actual prompt requirements are for the personal profile, it will be difficult for me to hazard a guess regarding your question. You will definitely have to edit your essay for content since your undergraduate is different from the content of your essay. How you present it, will depend on what the university prompt requires you to present in the form of information or data. The co-relation can be found, provided the prompt is clear about its instructions. I wish you had included the prompt the first time so that I could have given you spot on advice immediately. Instead, you will have to make the thread urgent to receive additional advice once you post the prompt for the essay. Try to write a new essay on your own based on what you think you have to present. Find a way to use your experience in a manner that relates to history. After you write the new essay, come back here to have it reviewed. This time include the prompt and make it urgent so that I can see it immediately.