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'Imran Khan, Pakistan' - Common app Essay - Influential person



hamzaobaid 2 / 9  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
I couldn't post the file as an image so im posting it here. I would really appreciate your thoughts. Cheers :)
TOPIC: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

It is said that "where there's a will, there's a way". One such epitome of this aphorism is the legend, Imran Khan. To be honest, I'm not someone who gets impressed by others easily and I'm looking to find flaws and shortcomings in even the most successful of people. However the cricketer-turned-politician of Pakistan, my homeland, Imran Khan has had a profound influence on me.

Despite being an ardent fan of Khan's leadership and cricketing abilities since my childhood, I was truly inspired by Khan about three years ago when I witnessed one of his polemic and thought-provoking speeches in Karachi. In his speech, Imran preached that one should never give up on his or her dreams and related his own life experiences in how he was disparaged and demoralized in both cricket and politics but he never gave up on his ambitions and persistently worked hard. He explained how one should handle failure and setbacks in life and always have concrete self-belief. As everyone clapped and lauded the exceptional speech, I remained motionless on my seat, struck by an epiphany.

His words repeating in my mind, I was awe-struck by his passion and vowed that I would follow his advice. From that day onwards, I have instilled hard work and determination as principles of my personality. I still remember how I used to be extremely weak at Mathematics at school, never getting higher than a D grade; I had accepted that Math wasn't my cup of tea. However, Khan's speech had changed my whole mindset and I became determined to master the subject with renewed vigor. I spent entire nights solving those wretched equations and problems which seemed impossible at first but I would persevere and not leave the study table until I had solved the question. Surprisingly, Math became much easier and even interesting! I ended up getting an "A" in mathematics in both my A-levels and O-levels.

Similarly, I have opened up a side of my personality that I thought didn't exist. I was never really interested in the complex and army-dominated politics of Pakistan but Imran's massive rise in support as a political leader last year aroused my curiosity and intrigued me to examine and evaluate the ideas and talks of the traditional politicians with scrutiny to get a clear idea of who was right and who was wrong. It then became evident that rampant corruption and misallocation of resources was not just a cliché used for political advantage but a harsh reality. This realization has awakened my patriotism and consequently induced a fierce, incessant anger over the egregious, corrupt and dishonest political elite of the country which I covet to see dethroned to make way for positive change.

A true philanthropist, Khan has built the biggest private cancer hospital in the world and a prestigious university from charity money where free services are provided to the poor. His organizations have made it lucid that efficient management and administration are vital for success, qualities that I hope to endow in my business management career in future.

Snowflakes 1 / 8  
Dec 29, 2011   #2
It is said that "where there's a will, there's a way". One such epitome of this aphorism is the legend, Imran Khan. To be honest, I'm not someone who gets impressed by others easily and I'm looking to find flaws and shortcomings in even the most successful of peopleI'm not easily impressed, because I always search for flaws and shortcomings in even the most successful people . However, the cricketer-turned-politician of Pakistan, my homeland , Imran Khan, has had a profound influence on me.

This realization has awakened my patriotism and consequently induced a fierce, incessant anger over the egregious, corrupt and dishonest political elite of the country which I covet to see dethroned to make way for positive change.

Perhaps you can state your opinion in a way that is less harsh. Maybe say "dishonest political elite of the country whose existence prevents any positive progress."

The last paragraph seems a bit misplaced. Either place it somewhere in the middle of your essay, where you're still talking about Imran Khan, and weave it in, or elaborate more, so that it doesn't sound like an afterthought. Make sure your conclusion is strong!
OP hamzaobaid 2 / 9  
Dec 29, 2011   #3
Thanks for the suggestions guys
@
Snowflakes
Actually this wasnt my original last paragraph but I had to cut the limit down so I used my second last one. Any thoughts on how what sort of an ending ?

@sm09 I do want to add more but the word limit is frustrating. Thanks for the advice though. I'll rewrite it and post it tomorrow. oh and i'll give yours a read as well :)
Snowflakes 1 / 8  
Dec 29, 2011   #4
Seeing as his influence has caused you to like math and politics, which you didn't have much interest in before, I think you can emphasize them both in your last paragraph. Restate the change he worked in you, and by naming both math and politics your previous paragraphs will become firmly connected. Then, you also can mention how you want to go into business. End with how Khan will not only influence you in the past and present, but also in your future career. Discuss how his attitude and work ethic will affect you as a business manager.

Basically, make sure your conclusion outlines your essay in a way that is organized and restates the most important points. Khan's speech, his influence on your life, and his likely future influence on you and your career.

End with a strong closing sentence! :)

And can you review my essay?
OP hamzaobaid 2 / 9  
Dec 29, 2011   #5
That is really helpful. Thanks a bunch!
I already read your essay, it's awesome but i'll read it again if you want :D
NervousByNature 1 / 6  
Dec 30, 2011   #6
Hi hamzaobaid! I really liked the topic of your essay and how you showed that Imran Khan really had a big influence on your life. What I would change about it though is I feel like you need to put a little more of YOU in the essay, like maybe try to break it down a little more so you're not using words like "conclusively" because that makes it sound a little too formal. Also, this sentence seems a bit formal too (I'm not really understanding what you're trying to say):

It then became evident that rampant corruption and misallocation of resources was not just a cliché used for political advantage but a harsh reality. This realization has awakened my patriotism but has also induced a fierce anger over the dishonest political elite which are a major obstacle in the way of positive progress.

But then again, maybe that's what the college admissions people want; I'm not sure. So overall, I liked it because I could see how he induced different emotional feelings in you and inspired you to be all that you can!!
OP hamzaobaid 2 / 9  
Dec 30, 2011   #7
Thanks for the read, I'll consider your opinion and read yours aswell :)
anshikav 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #8
I think besides those suggestions, its really good. comes off as personal and sincere


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