This is supposed to be a biographical essay. Please rip apart the essay and if possible be specific on how I can improve the essay. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks
Our society places great emphasis on consistency. The public looks for politicians who are consistent in their promises. The college admissions process searches for students with consistently good grades or consistent commitment to a particular extracurricular. My life, however, lacks consistency. By the time I was in 6th grade, my family had moved five times. Because of all the moving, nothing was really consistent in my life. My friends were always changing and my surroundings were changing. Immigrating to America was difficult even at the age of four. I wasn't fluent in English, I didn't like the hamburgers, and I didn't know anybody. As time went on, I slowly started to adapt to the Orlando, Florida. However, just a mere six months later, I was forced to move to New Jersey. This time I had to get used to the horrible cold weather and snow. It didn't take me long to realize that I hated snow. Plus, wearing a gazillion layers of clothing to take a step out of the house was not my idea of fun. That move was followed by two others, one back to Florida and then to Sacramento. In Sacramento, I began to feel like I had found my home. We had live there for almost three years when it happened again. I moved. The move to Los Angeles was hard, but with time Los Angeles became my home and I've lived here ever since.
During these moves, I stopped looking for the consistency that I once yearned for. My parents suggested that I search for consistency through extracurricular activities. Every time I began to pursue an extracurricular activity at full speed, however, I found a speed bump, in the form of moving, awaiting for me. Pursuing the same activity in a different place exuded a different feeling. It just wasn't the same. So, with every move, I embraced a new beginning and a new identity. I was a figure skater in New Jersey, a pianist in Florida, and a basketball player in Sacramento. By the time, I moved to Los Angeles, I had abandoned every one of these identities.
The limited exposure I got to different activities shaped me. Figure skating gave me the grace to become dancer. Because I had already played the piano, learning to play the clarinet became easy. And, playing basketball helped condition me to run cross country. The real change that came was that I realized that I could never be the best if I kept doing. So, when it dawned on me that we were here to stay in Los Angeles, I pursued each of my extracurricular activities with a new fervor.
Furthermore, my personality has changed since my first move. For one, I've become much more "Americanized" as my parents like to point out. I speak fluent English. I love fast food and although I still listen to Bollywood music, I listen to alternative, rock, and even country. Having had to make new friends over and over again, I've become better to opening up to strangers. New situations have ceased to daunt me and I can take whatever life throws at me.
I'll admit that consistency is not without value, but a great soul has nothing to do with consistency. The inconsistency in my life made me who I am today.
The opening is meek. If approached the right way you have a very strong topic. The meat of your essay relates that you moved to A, then B, then back to A...
By this point I could say your essay was a failure.
Now, the reason it compels extensve revision or a rewrite has to do with consistency. All throughout, you fail the test of style and substance.
Both are ideal, but style can usually serve as a vald substitute for substance.
Lacking both will fail your essay without fail.
Sentence structure and tone must vary enough that your author can detect emotion. Using lively words and arranging them to suggest an identity can also help your author out. I suspect I would encounter great difficulty in correctly picking the essay written by you from a random batch of essays.
Hi, people value consistency in America. Your employer expects you to arrive on time everyday, ... My life has been the antithesis. I immigrated at a young age and adapted to unfamiliar circumstances. Compounding this, I moved a half dozen times more, including across the country when I least expected it. In spite of all this, I'm now Americanized! The inconsistency makes me who I am today.
That summarizes your essay and isn't as lengthy.
Notice how I linked the sentences throughout, even while trying to provide a very terse summary containing essential elements to contrast with your bloated essay.
1. Consistency-value 2. Example -- twist 3. Transition 4. Transition 5. Inconsistency-Identity
This flow is vital. So too, is a consistent and MEANINGFUL message.
Revise.
Sorry, but I don't quite understand exactly what you mean. Do you think that I should get rid of the whole consistency theme? And, should I just stick to talking about how moving has shaped my life and take out the details about each move in particular?
Thanks. I really appreciate your feedback.I did do some minor revisions (mostly moved around couple of phrases to try to improve the flow), but I think that the revisions you had in mind were a lot bigger.
