Independent Study and Research findings in Additional Information on Common App

I plan on incorporating this information into the Additional Information section of the Common App
I'd really appreciate it if someone could go through it and see, firstly, if it's relevant and doesn't come off as too arrogant and, secondly, whether it's written with the proper style which you'd best expect of such content. I'm grateful for your help.

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I pushed for the first A Levels batch at Mayoor, unaware of the challenges the curriculum would pose. Ajmer is a small town and lacked an experienced faculty for the syllabi. As a result, I studied for the exams quite independently using textbooks and online resources (Thanks Z-notes, YouTube and Khan Academy). While my teachers were supportive, I had to learn most of the curricula and the writing and evaluation skills it tests by myself. I also tutored my classmates and frequently clarified their doubts in various subjects during that time. In a way, I'm glad for the experience as it compelled me to take responsibility for my own actions and my education.

Additionally, I'd like to expand on my findings in the Design Thinking workshop. A lack of prepaid smart card use in the Delhi Metro was responsible for long queues at token counters. Illiquidity of the cards and absence of smaller value recharges deterred daily-wage and low-income earners from tying up their money in them. However, allowing smaller value recharges would merely shift the reason for people queuing up given the price of travelling. The solutions I proposed were guaranteeing minimal credit on the card or providing daily or weekly payment plans which would be overall cheaper than regular top-ups. The second-degree price discrimination in the second approach could expand the market and make the venture profitable. The experience was a test of my empathy and communication as much as my critical thinking abilities given the inquisitive conversations I had with people about their daily struggles.

@Bastian
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find this feedback to be beneficial for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, you need to be able to cultivate a more simplified approach to writing. This means taking things step-by-step in order to assist readers into further understanding the depth of your essay. Take, for instance, the first parts of the essay. While you were able to showcase that you had a fundamental grasp of what was necessary, you should be able to expound details with more accompanying depth. If you are able to do this, people would be able to fully understand the text that you have.

Furthermore, it would be helpful for your readers if you could break your content down a bit more. The necessity of having separations between your body paragraphs, introductory, and conclusion would be that they assist the readers into further understanding the text. If you can separate these two sections, it would be beneficial for the overall flow of your content.