Feedback please
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Living in the small community in Los Angeles County, a place where crime and the struggle of immigrants is present, is a place I grew in. This may not be the most beautiful or successful town in California but I have managed to cope with all of its obstacles because I feel that I am better off here than what I would have been back in Mexico. When I was young I dreamed of the day that I would be grown up and ready to go to college, but I was unaware that it was actually going to happen so soon. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months to years and here I am filling my college applications knowing that in a not so distant past I was not really sure if I was going to make it this far. The reason for this sense of thought was because my parents unable to further their learning after they finished middle school and instead they migrated to the United States of America from Mexico after years of struggling and looking for jobs that paid miserably. This was one of the reasons I was incapable to have someone to enlighten me on their experiences in high school or college. Their struggle is similar to that of other immigrants here in this country, yet I find myself extremely proud of them because if they had not put all of their effort into being in this country I probably would not be here, instead I would be working extremely hard for mediocre pay back in Mexico instead of being here in my home.
I feel like I have taken advantage of what life has given me and I mostly blame my educators for this. Ever since I started my first years in school I have had the great opportunity to have supportive instructors that have guided me through the thick and thin parts of school, told me to reach out for help when I needed it and to stand up for what I believe in. I deeply thank them for they have helped in shaping my individuality, given me character and motivation to speak in front of others, and even ask questions when I need them. Not once have I complained about an instructor because they have given me the gift of learning, something that lasts forever and I can only repay them by showing them that I was able to make it big in this world. My 5th grade teacher, Mr. Merrill, once told me that he knew I the had potential to go where I wanted in life because apart from being a polite student I also was very involved in helping my peers out by showing leadership when we worked in teams. Once in middle school, I continued my GATE courses and would hear about kids that would envy me taking these special courses therefore calling me a nerd and a loser. I had sympathy for them because they were unable to have their educators teach them instead they would just have free time. I felt it was very unfair that because a student lacked attentiveness they had to suffer the consequences of having to be in a class in which they were unable to learn. I had in no way a grudge against them, in fact I wanted them to be like me, to actually learn and capture all of the information that was fascinating to me and I wanted them to feel as I did. I knew they would reject my help if I ever tried assisting them but I knew that some day I would love to help the lives of these troubled children, listen to their problems and help them cope with these issues so they could focus in school.
I started high school and struggled to find my identity as an individual as everyone joined cliques or became social outcasts. I started hanging out with people who wasted my time and I would stay off track on my assignments and go out on dates instead of studying for tests. I was suddenly impacted by news from my friend. I remember we were in 9th grade, with a grim face she told me she was pregnant. I was very disappointed and terrified after all she was one of my best friends. A week later she stopped going to school and the last time I heard from her I was told she was kicked out of her house. This event triggered me to push myself into working hard, that in no way was I ever going to become her because she was going to struggle in keeping up with her personal life and her educational life. I started studying for exams, working on assignments, balanced my time in a more manageable way as school work was my priority and everything else came last.
My world in general is slowly becoming what it should be with the decisions I make. Only time can tell what I will be in my future but I am sure that wont change as a person, that way I will have my individuality to aid in my way to success.
you have a few grammatical errors in your essay , like missing commas, or misuse of diction choice,etc
when I was young I dreamed of the day that I would be grown up and ready to go to college, but I was unaware that it was actually going to happen so soon.
i think you can rewrite this sentence, it sounds somewhat awkward.
The reason for this sense of thought was because my parentswere unable to further their learning after they finished middle school and instead they migrated to the United States of America from Mexico after years of struggling and looking for jobs that paid miserably.
[unless instead of putting were you put in an appositive]
I was suddenly impacted by news from my friend.
the transition to this scenario isnt very good. you go from how you started to lose track of your academics to your friends impact on you.
Only time can tell what I will be in my future but I am sure that I wont change as a person,
i think your conclusion and intro could be a lot stronger. You should try to answer the second part of the prompt "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. " i understand the world you have come from shapes your dreams and aspirations to make you achieve for success, but its not really detailed enough in your essay. your essay seems to focus more on just the world you came from..
overall i think your essay is pretty good, just needs some work :)
