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INFLUENCE OF MY PARENTS; U Central Florida- One faces the future with one's past



jellobello62 1 / 2  
Feb 3, 2013   #1
Prompt: One faces the future with one's pastĀ. What in your life and background made you who you are today?

Please read this essay and tell me what you think. Are there any grammatical errors and did I answer the prompt correctly? All suggestions and comments will be greatly appreciated!! :)

I face my future not only with my past, but my parents past as well. Through the influence of my parents and their history, I have learned to be grateful for my blessings. Their adversity led them to become dedicated and achieve for the best, and they instilled these values on my brothers and me. Before my parents moved to America, they lived tough childhoods in Cuba with little to no money. My father didn't have the opportunities I have today when choosing college, as a matter of fact he was forced to choose between being recruited to the Cuban army or going to college. The choice was pretty simple to him, because he always had a passion for learning and science. He eventually graduated as a Dentist, and left to America a few years later. When he met my mother after being settled in this completely new environment, they had my oldest brother, Joseph, Jeffrey ' my youngest brother ' and me. We grew up very close-knit; where one goes, we all go. Joseph and I tended to clash more when we were younger, constantly bickering about everything. However, the excessive fights and arguments tended to bring us closer together as we got older. Jeffrey and I never had arguments, we were always closer. He is diagnosed with mild autism, so this has always made me very defensive towards bullies and passionate for helping those that are unable to achieve the most out of life. He has strongly influenced who I am as a person in uncountable ways. There have been occasions where he was made fun of at school, even by staff, but he never let this affect him. His moral kindness and strength has instilled values and respect in me, and made me a better person. My mother recently was diagnosed with skin cancer, so this was a very difficult time. However, this situation brought us even closer as a family, and made me appreciate everything she sacrificed for me.

My role models for my life are my parents and brothers. Through my father, I hope to become a Dentist and follow his footsteps. He proved to me that one can always achieve their dreams if they worked hard enough for it. My mother strongly influences who I am today by teaching me to treat others the way I want to be treated, and to never take things in life for granted. Joseph is very quiet and reserved, so this tended to rub off on me. Jeffrey's autism has guided me to being very patient, so I wish to minor in Psychology to help others that are just like my brother.

stoya 1 / 6  
Feb 3, 2013   #2
1. The opener is pretty unclear. It may be clear to you, but make sure anyone who is reading it understands its meaning. It's not a good feeling when I (the reader) get thrown off in the first few words

2. wc on 'blessings'
3. "and achieve for the best" check the phrasing on that
4. avoid the word "goes". where one [went], we [would all follow]
5. check the verb tense overall "He proved to me that one can always achieve their dreams if they worked hard enough for it."

I like the idea of your essay!
OP jellobello62 1 / 2  
Feb 3, 2013   #3
Reply to stoya:
1 - Should I just omit the first sentence completely? It does sound sort of awkward, I just wanted to incorporate the prompt in there somewhere.

2 - Does saying "I am grateful for everything I have" sound better than "blessings"?
3 - Maybe "achieve for success" sounds better? :)

Thank you so much!! Your comment was super helpful! :)
dumi 1 / 6793  
Feb 8, 2013   #4
I face my future not only with my own past, but my parents past as welltoo .

Through the influence of my parents and their history, I have learned to be grateful for my blessings. Their adversity led them to become dedicated and achieve for the best, and they instilled these values on my brothers and me.

.... well, I feel the first line does not really add much value to your answer at this juncture. This is my suggestion;
My parents went through enormous hardships in their pursuit of success which they eventually achieved through perseverance and hardworking. Their struggles influenced shaping my character and my value system.

The choice was pretty simple to him, because he always had a passion for learning and science.

We grew up very close-knit; where one goes, we all go .

.... close knit implies everything :)

However, the excessive fights and arguments tended to bringbrought us even closer together as we got oldergrew .

Jeffrey and I never had arguments, we were always closerclose


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