Unfortunately, I was not offered many options for extracurricular activities in high school. I innately believed that coming to high school would nurture my infatuation with journalism, as well as my devotion to track and field. I did not find what I was passionate or interested in what was offered through the school, so it was particularly difficult to fill in the void of idleness.
Whether it will be my studies in marketing or just watching one of Syracuse's many basketball games, I believe that Syracuse can do what my high school could not, to help grow my interests. I dream of being able to express myself in ways most true to myself. At Syracuse, I see myself writing for the student editorial, The Daily Orange, and also running with the Syracuse Track and Field Team.
Hui, don't open the statement with a reference to how your high school failed to deliver on the extra curricular and other activities as far as you were concerned. That is not really of interest to the reviewer. Instead, I would suggest that you open the statement by saying:
At Syracuse, I see myself writing for the student editorial, The Daily Orange, and also running with the Syracuse Track and Field Team.
That will immediately tell the reviewer your response to the prompt. From that point, you can then explain how your high school failed to provide the kind of academic and extra curricular motivation that you desired during that time in your life. Basically, I believe that your essay will work much better if you just switch the paragraphs around and instead make it:
I dream of being able to express myself in ways most true to myself. At Syracuse, I see myself writing for the student editorial, The Daily Orange, and also running with the Syracuse Track and Field Team. Unfortunately, I was not offered many options for extracurricular activities in high school. I innately believed that coming to high school would nurture my infatuation with journalism, as well as my devotion to track and field. I realized that what I was passionate about or interested in what was not offered through the school, so it was particularly difficult to fill in the void of idleness. I hope to fill that void at Syracuse University. Whether it will be my studies in Marketing or just watching one of Syracuse's many basketball games, I believe that Syracuse can do what my high school could not, to help grow my interests.
You can use the above edited version either as a template for your new response or for submission with your application. Whichever way you want to do it is fine with me :-)
