Influential person/significant experience--a girl who made me strong in love

Guys before I start, I have to say that this is perhaps a controversial topic since I'm writing about my girlfriend. She went to Singapore 2 days ago and I've written this essay because the inspiration was intense.

I hope to hear your advice on whether it would be suitable or not. I thought this is different, but maybe I'm wrong. If it fits, also help me make improvements and cut the length. Great appreciations.

Staring at the tiny spot on the southern tip of the Malay Peninsula on the world map, I finally managed to put on a smile. Words from the Little Prince surfaced in my mind. "If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars." I realized that it was time for me to move on.

Yesterday Maggie's flight took off. Eight months ago, we both made our plans for future. She chose SM2 program to head for National University of Singapore, and I chose to go to the U.S. I did not try to dissuade her because I thought I knew what was best for her. She cried after I made my decision, and that was the first time I saw her tears.

She did not let anybody down as she passed the written examination and was selected as a candidate for the final interview in June. I congratulated her, but an overwhelming sense of agony surged through me: she was disappearing from my world. "Don't worry, it was just luck on the exam. I won't pass the interview, so I will be here with you until you leave for the U.S next year." She beamed, as if she knew what I was thinking. "No, you will pass, and I will bend over backwards to help." I replied, while the other self inside me shouted desperately for her to stay. This time, she held her tears, and nodded with a forged smile.

So I kept my promise. I helped her practice English everyday and carryed out virtual interviews with her. "What will you do if you miss someone after you leave China?" I questioned her jokingly during an "interview". "No I won't, because he doesn't want me to." She replied stubbornly. "What if he did but didn't tell you?" I persisted, "because he didn't want his love to be a burden for you." She trembled a little, and gazed into my eyes, "I won't abandon my dream because I also love him, and I wish to make myself outstanding enough to deserve his love." My eyes were welled up with tears, and I hugged her tightly.

I was not surprised to hear the news in July that she succeeded. The time we had left was not long. As I stepped into 12th grade in September, I began a life of beating the deadlines: writing application essays, filling out forms, and sending materials. She was going to leave on December 6, the day after my SAT test. Sitting before my desk everyday, I found my mobile phone became increasingly silent. Hoping not to break my schedule, she only sent a message every night to ask me when I would go to bed so she would find the right time to call. She did not complain, nor did she cry again when we were talking: she wanted to keep me smiling. "Can you guess what I was thinking yesterday?" She asked me mysteriously on the phone. "No idea," I replied, "Tell me." "Well, I was trying to figure out what I should wear when you arrive at the airport next summer to visit me." I chuckled, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you wear, you are the prettiest girl to me." She sewed me a smiling hamster the final time we met, and told me to look at it whenever I feel sad or lost. I was grateful, for I had someone who could always understand me, support me, and make me smile.

On the plane back home the night after my test in Hong Kong, I read Jimi's Starry Starry Night. "If the world is left with no one but the two of us, would you be afraid?" I sent her a short message asking the same question immediately after I read it on the book, and received a "No".

It was 3 a.m in the morning when I arrived home, and we had our last talk over the phone before she left. "Don't come to see me off, because I don't want you to see my tears. I will call you when I get there. Smile."

I did as she said, and treasured her smile in my heart. Life must go on without her by my side. However, I will always have that tiny star in the sky where the flower I love blossoms. Distance is not an obstacle; time will witness how strong true love can be. We supported each other when we were side by side, but who said we cannot continue to do so when we are miles apart? A decade is long, but our bond will last even longer, because we both have dreams to lead our way.

I am glad that you realize that writing about your girlfriend is a risky move. Honestly, I didnt get what are you trying to show in this essay. The unselfish determination to help her go to Sin even though you dont want to? I dont think that's something the admin is looking for, at least not sth important. Well, the whole structure of the essay is too slack. Sentences could be combined and cut. But still, if this is your main essay, it will be a good idea to choose sth else. I understand your sorrow about her left. Two of my best friends are also going to Sin on SM2 program.

Good Luck.

Sounds presumptuous!

How about "thought I knew what was..."

If she was a persistent girl who never backed off from challenge or give up her dream, why was she willing to stay? Seems contradictory. Also, this raises the question, "What is her dream?"

She did not let anybody down. ---> this is confusing. You could say: She did not let anybody down with her performance in academics.

Wow, that is so powerful; it is a dramatic thing, to tell someone you don't want them to stay. I hope it proves to have been the right decision.

I recommend getting rid of the "strong in love" part of the title and focusing on the specific lessons you learned. I also recommend choosing a few sentences to chop out or shorten. It is a great story, but is it too long for the admissions requirements? Anyway, focus less on the story and more on the meaning of the story, the significance. It really should end with some thoughtful discussion of the story in the last paragraph.

I'm very moved for your love to her. You are surely the most important part in her life. I wish you will be happy for ever and ever

Thanks guys, all of you. --Kevin, I've taken your suggestions and made a new draft: for "She did not let anybody down..." I put it this way:

"She did not let anybody down as she passed the written examination and was selected as a candidate for the final interview in June." Would it be better?

Then I've rewritten the last paragraph with thoughtful discussion. (Originally I didn't put something too thoughtful because I am afraid that the AO would not take a 17-year-old's understanding too seriously^^)

Also I combined some paragraphs and shortened many sentences, but I only reduced it to about 800 words...Perhaps you could help me make it more brief...

--Guanxiong, thanks for your advice; I know it's gonna be risky, but I actually haven't really decided whether to use it or not. I just felt the emotion too overhelming so I chose to have a try.

--Thu Ba, thank you for your wish. I appreciate it.

Yes, I definitely like that new sentence and this new draft better. I bet you do, too! Great job.

That last paragraph is intense! I like everything about it.

Thanks a lot! I just have to get some courage enough to use it in my application now:-)