Intellectual Freedom, Columbia Short Essay

Hi,

Need comment for the following short Columbia Essay, 600 characters

Essay # 1: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

Intellectual Freedom to transcend my dreams, Columbia University's defining Core Curriculum will permit me to have a perspective on a plethora of studies from Nobel Laureate Professors. However, to me, location has a tremendous impact on my learning and being in a cosmopolitan setting reveals an entire microcosm of the world. This global university and its goal to enhance worldwide relations truly intertwine with my visions for world change, especially between China and the US. The certainty that I can have a dynamic and educational study abroad program in Shanghai or Beijing truly magnetizes my desire to have my education at Columbia University.

thanks a lot!

some of the words you use here- such as 'magnetize' seem out of place in the answer.

Intellectual Freedom to transcend my dreams, Columbia University's defining Core Curriculum will permit me to have a perspective on a plethora of studies from Nobel Laureate Professors.

For some reason this doesn't seem right as an opening sentence. The second part about Nobel Laureate Professors doesn't flow with the first part.

Intellectual Freedom to transcend my dreams, Columbia University's defining Core Curriculum will permit me to have a perspective on a plethora of studies from Nobel Laureate Professors. I think this sentence is too general, unnecessarily fancy, and not very helpful. I think you should say something simple and specific instead. Name part of the curriculum that is perfect for you because of your interest in (name a field of study).

Use a coma here:
However, to me, location has a tremendous impact on my learning, and being in a cosmopolitan setting reveals an entire microcosm of the world.

:-)