'interest in biology and chemistry' - UMCP early action admission

Please have a look at my essay.
According to Henry David Thoreau, "One is not born into the world to do everything, but to do something." What is your something? -UMD

As the seconds ticked away, my breath became shallower and my hands started to tremble. I began to cut the brain tissues when my hand slipped. The sharp blade skewed its path and pierced through the center of the brainstem. I attempted to fix the angles of the cryostat machine a couple more times but I was already too late. The brain tissue was ruined; I felt devastated.

Luckily, I was dealing with a brain tissue of a dead mouse instead of a live human. I looked for my mentor, Dr. Schaefer for guidance. The fact that I wasted a valuable specimen, I expected Dr. Schaefer to get angry at me. To my relief, she explained to me that what happened is common and proceeded to demonstrate the right way of cutting the brain tissues. Afterwards she encouraged me to ask more questions. From that time on my interest in research was solidified.

My profound interest in biology and chemistry which are the building blocks of my research enabled me to practice my passion with utmost zeal. My current project on the "blastocyst erratic properties" brings out complex questions and provides new challenges for me to ponder. My keen interest in research propelled me to look further into similar research projects that were already published in scientific journals. With the revolution in information technology, I was able to correspond to my peers all over the world by joining the scientific research group and thus got the answers I need.

As the next semester approaches, I'll endeavor to pass on my new acquired knowledge and techniques to new interns. Lastly, I will also tell them that making mistakes are part of the learning process. In this way I can leave something behind that will make other interns life more memorable and enriching..

Wonderful opening. It really captures the readers interest in your essay and makes them want to continue reading. I feel that the closing paragraph is not as strong and the opening. Try re-wording it to better relate how your experiences will help other interns.

How do you suggest I conclude my essay?

I think you can make the ending more aggressive instead of passive. instead of Lastly, I will also tell them that making mistakes are part of the learning process. In this way I can leave something behind that will make other interns life more memorable and enriching.. you can do something like, "When I see a new intern struggling like myself on my first day....I see a reflection of my former self. Noticing the frustration on their faces, I will approach them and encourage them, reminding that making mistakes..."

yihrenliu
I really like that.
Thanks!