interest in filmmaking + to improve personal development + Tunisian background - UCF

Hello,
Please have a look at this admission essay. I haven't submitted it to my application yet and this is not the final version either. Any correction/comments is appreciated.

How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
Born in Copenhagen, to Tunisian parents, I developed my interest in filmmaking since my very first childhood, where I used to spend hours drawing pictures and making stories out of my imagination. A key point in my life is when my parents took me to the set of Star Wars, in the desert of Tunisia. At that moment, I was hooked: obsessed with films and the magic around them. Several years later, my father, previously a cinematographer in television, bought me my first camcorder for my tenth anniversary. It's worth mentioning that I received a film award at Seoul Film Festival for the cinematography on the film "A Lucky Day".

Moreover, living in Copenhagen, with all it's famous modern architecture, inspired me to capture it using black and white photography, focusing on the presence of lines and balance of form. At the end, my life comes down to my passion. My passion for cinematography and filmmaking, in which I eat, breathe and sleep. My passion is who I am, and this mindset has been crucial to my own personal happiness. Loving filmmaking is one thing, but another thing is entirely living it.

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
The right education is always the key to a successful career, with University of Central Florida being one of those obvious choices. UCF has such diversity regardless of ones appearance, cultures and beliefs and give students the opportunity in order to be successful. It's affordable and has a very large campus with a variety of activities and large library which will allow me to spend my time studying. As a film major applicant, I'm attracted by UCF Film Dept. which emphasis on developing the individual film student, as well as utilize the business side of film as part of the creative process. I also like the idea of UCF using specific limits to encourage the creativity of students. Another important aspect is UCF attempts to improve personal development for its students. Furthermore, the faculty seems to posses all the up-to date facilities to help students reach every aspect of their potential.

What also attracts me to UCF is the lifestyle outside the campus, in the wonderful city of Orlando. Partly because of my Tunisian background, I've always enjoyed staying near the beach and swimming to keep myself in shape. UCF being only 45 minutes from the beach, allows me to do so. With theme parks, restaurants, malls, and shops close to campus, I can quickly integrate into the American lifestyle, which I feel is important for an international student. This what makes Orlando a wonderful city to live and study in. Orlando is also a constantly growing film industry and location to Disney-MGM Studios and Universal Studios production facilities.

All things considered makes University of Central Florida the perfect college for me. Diversity, opportunity and an intelligent educational system are qualities that I look for, and the reason I choose University of Central Florida.

Thanks :)

Best Regards,
Ben Brahem

Hello,

I only managed to read the first paragraph of your first essay(hint). While your story is great and certainly unique, admissions officers will not read further once they see so many errors. Firstly, how many childhoods have you had? Lets change that so it reflects the one childhood that each of us is afforded. Secondly, "A key point in my life 'is'...," "is" is present. The correct word should be "was." My service can get these essays in top shape for submission for admissions to University.

Hope this helps.

Let's make it when instead of where:
where when I used to spend hours drawing pictures and making stories out of my imagination. A key point in my life is was when---and was instead of is. These are just nitty gritty grammar details.

Loving filmmaking is one thing, but another thing is entirely living it.---very clever!! I think they will be impressed.

The right education is always the key to a successful career, with University of Central Florida being one of those obvious choices. Too simple, too obvious! Come up with a more interesting and meaningful intro. :-)

UCF has such diversity regardless of one's appearance, ...

Furthermore, the faculty seems to posses all the up-to date facilities to help students reach every aspect of their potential.---At this part, you should mention specific resources you will use, because details like that show that you have a plan for your time at the school. That is a very important thing to show.

What also attracts me to UCF is the lifestyle outside the campus, in the wonderful city of Orlando. Partly because of my Tunisian background, I've...keep myself in shape. UCF being only 45 minutes from the beach, allows me to do so. With theme parks, restaurants, malls, and shops close to campus, ---All this is superficial. Write this essay in a way that shows them that you are so focused that you cannot stop thinking and talking and reading about film studies. Make it all about that vision, because the importance of your plan is what makes them feel the importance of admitting you.

:-)