MY INTEREST ON STATISTICS-Cornell essay

Please have a look on my essay and give me some comments. And probably there are some grammatical problems.
I can still have space. Where should I improve?
Any comments is appreciated. I will help you back!

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the college of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (maximum of 500 words)

My love of mathematics and statistics is in my genes.

I always have great performances in mathematics, but it was when I was in 9th grade that my view on maths transformed. As an assistant of our maths teacher, I not only kept outstanding grades but also helped improving the grades of the whole class. I remember the lunch-time meetings when I gathered maths-lovers together designing the quizs; the moments while I was standing on the platform explaining my creative methods of difficult problems were still in my mind. To introduce harder knowledge in quizs, first I had to learn higher math course by myself. The involvement to the teaching not only shaped me into a confident speaker but also motivated me to explore a vaster maths world outside the textbooks. These challenging jobs cultivated my good habits to learn deeper and challenge myself.

And then, my first research study experience enriched my concept of maths. I was assigned a group project to study people's money management plan. After stepping out of my comfort zone, I successfully collect 57 questionnaires, but they were not enough for the project. Some other groups counterfeited questionnaires to meet the requirement, but our group didn't follow them. It urged me to respect the fact. The figures should objectively show the fact rather than false impression.

Statistical analysis was the soul of this project. After we carefully recorded and rigorously analyzed the figures, we could easily focus on the phenomenom hiden behind the random figures. The various diagrams clearly showed us the general status and inspired us the future development. The statistics analysis helped me reveal the current status and even foresee the future trends. Essentially, maths is not just for solving the problems in the tests, but for settling down the practical problems; the results are not just dull numbers but like notes that form beautiful molody. Therefore, I want to learn more about statistics, not to be a test-terminator, but to be a solver of practical problems in life, a witness of present conditions, and a predictor of future tendencies. (Do I need to add more specific details about the project?Anything incoherent?)

Cornell University's rigorous academic atmosphere and reputation as an ideal place to get better educational oppotunities attract me to apply for the college of arts and sciences in Cornell. Its systematically academic porgrams can promote my knowledge of both computational skills and statistics knowledge. The undergraduate research program will strongly enrich my experience that cannot be absorbed from textbooks. I can also get guidence and inspiration to further develop my potential when Cornell's career service helps me set up goals and plans for future career. Moreover, I not only want to but also hope to contribute to the academic atmosphere by enhancing academic vitality in the university with my creativeness and rigor.

I always have great performances in mathematics, but it was when I was induring 9th grade that my view on maths transformed. As an assistant of ourmy maths teacher, I not only kept outstanding grades but also helped improving the grades of the whole class. (hm... this sentence is a little bit showy, consider removing to changing it. perhaps say something like you helped to improve the grade of your class by xxx. your grades will be sent to them, no point saying about them) I remember the lunch-time meetings when I gathered maths-lovers together designing thequizzes ; the moments while I was standing on the platform, explaining my creative methods of solving difficult problems were still in my mind. To introduce harder (how bout advanced?) knowledge in quizs (these quizzes sounds more natural) , first I had to learn higher math course by myself. The involvement to theInvolving in teaching not only shaped me into a confident speaker but also motivated me to explore a vaster (weird choice of word) maths world outside thebeyond textbooks. These challenging jobs (i don't think it's a job) cultivated my good habits to learn deeper and challenge myself.

And then, my first research study experience enriched my concept ofknowledge in maths. I was assigned a group project to study people's money management plan. After stepping out of my comfort zone, I successfully collected 57 questionnaires, but they were not enough for the project. Some other groups counterfeited questionnaires to meet the requirement, but our group didn't follow them. It urged me to respect the fact. (this sentence have to be rewritten) The figures should objectively show the fact rather than a false impression.

Statistical analysis was the soul of this project. After we carefully recorded and rigorously analyzed the figures, we could easily focus on the phenomenon hidden behind the random figures. The various diagrams clearly showed us the general status and inspired us the future developmentto drive on . The statistics analysis helped me reveal the current status and even foresee the future trends. Essentially, maths is not just for solving the problems in the tests, but for settling down the practical problems; the results are not just dull numbers but like notes that form beautiful melodies . Therefore, I want to learn more about statistics, not to be a test-terminator, but to be a solver of practical problems in life, a witness of present conditions, and a predictor of future tendencies. You speak too vaguely without enough concrete examples. Show us how you analyzed your data, how the diagram provide you insights.

Cornell University's rigorous academic atmosphere and reputation as an ideal place to get better educational opportunities attract me to apply for the college of arts and sciences in Cornell . Its systematically academic programs can promote my knowledge ofin both computational skills and statistics knowledge. The undergraduate research program will strongly enrich my experience that cannot be absorbed from textbooks(experience is essentially out of books) . I can also get guidance and inspiration to further develop my potential when Cornell's career service helps me set up goals and plans for my future career. Moreover, I not only want to but also hope to (want to and hope to are almost the same, consider editing this) contribute to the academic atmosphere by enhancing academic vitality in the university with my creativeness and rigor.

Thanks for helping with my Cornell supp, I would be grateful if you could do the same for my Common app essay.
Your essay lacks the concentration on your passion and interest. I personally think that you should show more about what you did and why you love maths. Use examples and appeal our senses! Don't just list out everything, we want details. Also, you have many typos... I think you wrote your essay in a hurry. Make sure you proofread your essay next time. Try to give us your message by telling an interesting story of yourself.

Good luck with your application =)

Thank you!
Any other comments?

um..cliche? You can come up with a more catchy starting sentence!

My love offor mathematics and statistics is in my genes.


I guess you assisted your teacher in her work voluntarily and it was not some paid work. So, when you say ''as an assistant of our teacher'' it gives an impression as if you were doing a paid job as an assistant. Better re-phrase!

Thank you fasaran and Pahan!
I will post my second draft later.
Can anyone give me more comments?
I will help back! Thank you!

I not only kept outstanding grades but also helped improve the grades of the whole class.

I gathered maths-lovers together designing the quizzes ; the moments while I was standing on the platform explaining my creative methods solving of challenging problems were still in my mind.

To introduce harder knowledge in quizzes , first I had to learn higher math course by myself. My involvement in teaching not only shaped me into a confident speaker but also motivated me to explore a vaster maths world outside the textbooks. These challenging activities cultivated my good habits to seek and obtain a more profound education that would challenge me.

I successfully collected 57 questionnaires,

And then,M y first research study experience enriched my concept of knowledge in maths. I was assigned a group project to study people's money management plan. After stepping out of my comfort zone, I successfully collected 57 questionnaires, but they were not enough for the project. Some other groups counterfeited questionnaires to meet the requirement, but our group didn't follow them. It urged me to respect the fact .

Statistical analysis was the soul of this project, so the figures should objectively show the facts rather than false impression .(Just a thought/opinion ) After we carefully recorded and rigorously analyzed the figures, we could easily focus on the phenomenon hidden behind the random figures. The various diagrams clearly showed us the general status and inspired us to continue on . The statistics analysis helped me reveal the current status and even foresee the future trends. Essentially, maths is not just for solving the problems in the tests, but for settling down the practical problems; the results are not just dull numbers but like notes that form beautiful melodies. Therefore, I want to learn more about statistics, not to be a test-terminator, but to be a solver of practical problems in life, a witness of present conditions, and a predictor of future tendencies. You should express the development and evolution more in depth.

Cornell University's rigorous academic atmosphere and reputation as an ideal place to get better educational opportunities attract me to apply for the college of arts and sciences. Its systematically academic programs can promote my knowledge of in both computational skills and statistics knowledge. The undergraduate research program will strongly enrich my experience that cannot be absorbed from textbooks . I can also get guidance, motivation and inspiration to further develop my potential when Cornell's career service helps me set up goals and plans for my future career. Moreover, I not only want to but also hope to contribute to the academic atmosphere by enhancing academic vitality in the university with my creativeness and rigor.

You essay is good, but you need to go more in depth about the evolution. Add more concrete examples. Really try to reflect your intellectual interest uniquely because that is what colleges are looking for.

Goodluck to you!!

My stanford supp needs revision :)

You hit the nail on the head.
You answered the first part of the prompt with the first paragraph, 2nd part with the 2nd paragraph, but what makes statistics exciting. is it when the numbers starts meaning something?

Give an example the reader CAN RELATE TO E.Gdeveloping sudoku, anything
"The various diagrams clearly showed us the general status and inspired us the future development" What diagrams? histograms, pie chart.
overall good essay, but make it sound more STATISTIC. to show you know what you are talking about.
if you can,make the second paragraphy flow into the third

Very good essay

Thank you! Here is my second draft. Any comments and suggestions?

My love for mathematics and statistics is in my genes.

I always have great performances in mathematics, but it was during 9th grade that my view on maths transformed. As a volunteer assistant of our maths teacher, I contributed to our maths teaching and helped improve students' grades. I remember the lunch-time meetings when I gathered maths-lovers together designing quizzes; the moments while I stood on the platform explaining my creative methods of solving difficult problems were still in my mind. To introduce advanced knowledge in these quizzes, I had to learn higher math course by myself. Although when contacting with advanced maths world, I would complained like "why Heron left us such an abtruse problem to research", but soon I was amazed by the incredible beauty of the Haron's Formula. The attraction of beautiful mathematics was so strong that I couldn't resist. Gradually I learnt to enjoy the dicussion when different ideas collided and relish the sense of achievement after problems were resolved. Involving in teaching not only shaped me into a confident speaker but also motivated me to explore a wider maths world beyond textbooks. The challenging work cultivated my good habits to learn deeper and challenge myself.

My first research study experience enriched my knowledge in maths and statistics. I was assigned a group project to study people's money management plan. Escaping my comfort zone, I successfully collected 57 questionnaires for our group. With all questionnaires we got, we started statistical analysis, the soul of this project. Carefully recording data was dull work, but all our efforts were repaid. With various column diagraphs and pie charts, we basically understand people's investment and average rate of return. Now we could easily focus on the phenomenon hidden behind the random figures. These colorful charts didn't confused us; instead, according to these basic information, we rigorously analyzed the general status and tried to design a new investment plan for people based on our knowledge. Essentially, maths is not just for solving the problems in the tests, but for disposing of practical problems; the results are not just dull numbers but like notes that form beautiful molodies. Therefore, I want to learn more about statistics, not to be a test-terminator, but to be a solver of practical problems, a witness of present conditions, and a predictor of future tendencies.

To further develop my statistics knowledge, I decide to apply for Cornell University which has rigorous academic atmosphere and excellent reputation. Its systematic academic programs in college of arts and sciences can promote my knowledge in both computational skills and statistics knowledge. The undergraduate research program will strongly enrich my practical research experience. I can also get guidance and inspiration to further develop my potentials when Cornell's career service helps me set up goals and plans for my future career. Moreover, I not only want to mature in Cornell but also intend to contribute to the academic atmosphere by enhancing academic vitality in the college with my creativeness and rigor.

Any comments on my second draft?Please!I will help back!

I always have great performances in mathematics, but it was during 9th grade that my view on maths transformed. As a volunteer assistant of our maths teacher, I contributed to our maths teaching and helped improve students' grades. I remember the lunch-time meetings when I gathered maths-lovers together designing quizzes the other people who had a strong love for math gathered at a table to design quizzes; the moments while I stood on the platform explaining my creative methods of solving difficult problems were still in my mind.

I edited my GWU supplements take a look

My love for mathematics and statistics is in my genes.

I always have great performances in mathematics, but it was during 9th grade that my view on maths transformed. As a volunteer assistant of our maths teacher, I contributed to our maths teaching and helped improve students' grades. I remember the lunch-time meetings when I gathered maths-lovers together designing quizzes; the moments while I stood on the platform explaining my creative methods of solving difficult problems were still in my mind.(The second part of the sentence needs revision either its punctuation error or verb tense only you kow what you want to say but i couldn't grasp the idea there) To introduce advanced knowledge in these quizzes, I had to learn higher math course by myself. Although when contacting(I would rather use connecting) with advanced maths world, I would complain like "why Heron left us such an abstruse problem to research", but soon I was amazed by the incredible beauty of theHeron's Formula. The attraction of beautiful mathematics was so strong that I couldn't resist(resist what? 'the temptation'?? . Gradually, I learnt to enjoy the discussion when different ideas collided and relished the sense of achievement after problems were resolved(solved would sound better in my opinion . Involvment in teaching not only shaped me into a confident speaker but also motivated me to explore a wider maths world beyond textbooks. The challenging work cultivated my good habits to learn deeper and challenge myself.Rephrase last sentence mayb you want to say " cultivated my good habits of learning deeper and challenging myself"??

My first research study experience enriched my knowledge in maths and statistics. I was assigned a group project to study people's money management plan. Escaping my comfort zone, I successfully collected 57 questionnaires for our groupRephrase first part ,mayb " Although I had to escape my comfort zone, I..."?. With all the questionnaires we got, we started statistical analysis, the soul of this project. Carefully recording data was a dull work, but all our efforts were repaid. With various column diagraphsnot an english word. diagrams?? and pie charts, we basically understood people's investment and average rate of return. Now, we could easily focus on the phenomenon hidden behind the random figures. These colorful charts didn't confuse us; instead, accordingusing(??)to these basic information, we rigorously analyzed the general status andusing our knowledge tried to design a new investment plan for people based on our knowledge . Essentially, maths is not just for solving the problems in the tests, but also for disposing of practical problems; the results are not just dull numbers but like notes that form beautiful molodies The semi colon seems to bother a little bit better change with a full stop and rephrase second part . Therefore, I want to learn more about statistics, not to be a test-terminator, but to be a practical problem solver , a witness of present conditions, and a predictor of future tendencies.

To further develop my statistics knowledge, I decide to apply to Cornell University which has rigorous academic atmosphere and excellent reputation. Its systematic academic programs, in college of arts and sciences, can help promote my knowledge in both computational skills and statistics knowledge. The undergraduate research program will strongly enrich my practical research experience. and I can also get guidance and inspiration to further develop my potentials when Cornell's career service helps me set up goals and plans for my future career. Moreover, I not only want to mature at Cornell but also intend to contribute to the academic atmosphere by enhancing academic vitality in the college with my creativeness and rigor.

Phewww. Last thing always use spell checker you have many typing errors.

And dont forget to have a look at mine and leave some suggestions for improvement. Thanks.

you got really nice advice and corrections above. I would def follow them.

It was a good essay overall but you were just listing facts/details. It would be much more personal if you added some of your own voice and experiences in there.