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Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS)


allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 7, 2009   #1
I am writing my interest essay for the college of arts and sciences. I would love for any kind of feed back on this.. It is my first draft. PLEASE let me know what you think!!!

Prompt: Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the programs at Cornell to further explore your interests.

_________

I came into high school thinking I would use the copious programs and classes offered to narrow my academic interests to a single, apparent category. I came to find that the narrowing down was not occurring, but more of the opposite. I found that a Computer Careers class added fuel to my computer and electrical interests. Advanced placement physics showed me how interesting it was combining the intriguing approaches of math with the compelling concepts of sciences. Advanced placement English introduced me to a classroom full of students who shared a passion for learning and success similar to mine. I find myself intrigued and undecided.

One of my first memories in school is telling my first grade teacher, Mrs. Duffy, that I would one day invent the money-tree. This led to a strong interest in math. I have always loved money and numbers. Around the holidays I can remember carrying around a money box to organize all of my money, and in my eyes keep it safe. This love for math transferred towards science in my sophomore year with chemistry. I enjoyed the integration of math with science, especially when I studied stoichiometry. This enjoyment sparked a new found passion into this unknown world of science. Due to these interests, I began learning more and more about computers, and became hooked. They incorporated a lot of what I have a passion for, and it creates challenges that I love. The challenges in computers, and in all of my academic interests are what make me strive to succeed and be my best. There is a certain excitement that comes with computers that creates an infatuation. The prestigious and world renowned programs and professors that Cornell University is known for will help craft those infatuations into something more. A class like "Computing in the Arts" may change my infatuation in computers to a profession in computing, while other classes like "Macroeconomics" may shift my infatuations into a profession involving income and/or the economy of the nation. These programs will give me an immeasurable amount of opportunities.

The word Undecided best fits me. I am not undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things. For this I will need more than an average education. Prestigious programs like Cornell's can, I believe, open these realms of possibilities and craft my interests into lifelong passions. I look forward to using Cornell's distinguished programs and eminent professors to change me, from undecided to something more captivating. The programs in Cornell University's College of Arts and Sciences will certainly guide me towards a decided passion.

linmark /  
Nov 8, 2009   #2
A great first draft!! Just minor suggestions for the first and last paragraph:
- use more active verbs in the first paragraph (vs. passive 'I' came, would, found)
- Break up your sentences i.e.
The word undecided best fits me. because it is not that I am NOT undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things. FOR THIS, I WILL need more then THAN THE average EDUCATION. but Prestigious programs like Cornell's to CAN (I believe - optional) open these realms of possibilities for my future and craft and mold my interests into lifelong passios . PASSIONS

p.s. TheSE programs would give me an immeasurable amount of opportunities at my fingertips .
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 8, 2009   #3
thank you! thank you!
alright i will revise it right now and change those things...
thanks for the help! so much!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 8, 2009   #4
I came into high school thinking I would use the copious diverse programs and classes offered to narrow my academic interests to a single, well-defined category.

After those sentences about AP English, Physics, and Computers, you need one more sentence for the first paragraph. Give it closure with a good thesis sentence that captures the meaning of the essay. that is an important sentence. Do you know what I mean? It is always good to put a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Lin spotted a lot of good changes to make, too!
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 8, 2009   #5
I came into high school thinking I would use the copious diverse programs and classes offered to narrow my academic interests to a single, well-defined category.

alright awesome, thank you!!

After those sentences about AP English, Physics, and Computers, you need one more sentence for the first paragraph. Give it closure with a good thesis sentence that captures the meaning of the essay. that is an important sentence. Do you know what I mean? It is always good to put a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

yes i know what you mean, but i'm just not too sure how i would go about doing it.. or actually.. doing it well. any ideas on how i could rap it all up for a good thesis? i'll put some of my ideas up there soon also.

Lin spotted a lot of good changes to make, too!

yes defidently! =)

Thank you for your help also =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 10, 2009   #6
yes i know what you mean, but i'm just not too sure how i would go about doing it.. or actually.. doing it well. any ideas on how i could rap it all up for a good thesis?

Nope! You are the Jedi master! This part of the essay has to come from the heart. Don't wory, because even if the "you" of this moment does not know how, the person you will be a few moments from now might have the perfect idea! :-)
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 10, 2009   #8
Nope! You are the Jedi master! This part of the essay has to come from the heart. Don't wory, because even if the "you" of this moment does not know how, the person you will be a few moments from now might have the perfect idea! :-)

hahahaha alright got it! im working hard on it.. i shall update it soon!!!

Nice job!

thank you!
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 11, 2009   #9
Prompt: Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the programs at Cornell to further explore your interests.

SEE ABOVE

This is my most recent version!!! let me know what you think please
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #10
You are a modifier addict.. an adverb adjective addict. I want to do an intervention for you...
First, I was thinking yesterday that copious is a bad word... but I don't know why! Maybe it is just my prejudice. I should not tell you to change your essay based on my prejudice. But today I looked at it again and it still seems wrong, like a big word thrown in to be impressive. Nobody uses that word in real life.

:-)

And the other modifiers...
Advanced placement physics showed me how interesting it was had me combining the intriguing approaches of profound mathematics with the compelling wonders of material science.

...or something. But at the end of the first para, i still think you should add a short sentence that establishes the truth of the essay. As the last sentence of the first para, you could write: I find myself intrigued and undecided.
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 17, 2009   #11
sorry that i have been gone! but give me that intervention!!! haha i need it because i'm using wayyyy to much right now!! and here is an update... its so hard taking things out! let me know what you think =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 20, 2009   #12
The word Undecided best fits me. I am not undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things.

That is some good introspection!! Usually I advise people to act decided even if they are not quite decided... because it is important to act resolute, passionate, and methodical, but... I think you achieve something very good with this approach.

I think you should mention some of the profs for which the school is known instead of just referring to them generally -- naturally, you should mention articles, etc. by profs whose specializations are aligned with your interests.

Seriously, this is looking pretty impressive now! I don't even mind the word copious as you use it in that first sentence... Looking good! Maybe you write well because you are related to Anne Sexton?
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 21, 2009   #13
That is some good introspection!! Usually I advise people to act decided even if they are not quite decided... because it is important to act resolute, passionate, and methodical, but... I think you achieve something very good with this approach.

thank you very very much! that means a lot hearing that! =)

I think you should mention some of the profs for which the school is known instead of just referring to them generally -- naturally, you should mention articles, etc. by profs whose specializations are aligned with your interests.

Alright I will do some research on profs and maybe classes or something... I'll see what I can get out of it!

Seriously, this is looking pretty impressive now! I don't even mind the word copious as you use it in that first sentence... Looking good! Maybe you write well because you are related to Anne Sexton?

Thank You =)
I'll be honest, I've never heard of Anne Sexton until I had to look her up just now! haha... I do not believe I am, but i am actually going to look into that! haha I'm sort of interested!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #14
Cool!! :-)
cuddles 3 / 10  
Nov 26, 2009   #15
Great piece of writing!!! Just had a few suggestions.

Around the holidays I can remember carrying around a money box to organize all of my money, and in my eyes keep it safe.

This sentence feels a bit clumsy. Maybe it's because of the "can" out there. Give it a thought!

They incorporated a lot of what I have a passion for, and it creates challenges that I love.

Huh?? or is it just me :)

The word Undecided best fits me. I am not undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things.

Which things?? It is a bit confusing.

Overall, i really liked what you've got out here.

BTW, what other colleges are you applying to??
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Nov 28, 2009   #16
Around the holidays I can remember carrying around a money box to organize all of my money, and in my eyes keep it safe.

This sentence feels a bit clumsy. Maybe it's because of the "can" out there. Give it a thought!

alright i will take that out =)

it sounds much better thank you!

The word Undecided best fits me. I am not undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things.

Which things?? It is a bit confusing.

hmmm i will rewrite that also...

Overall, i really liked what you've got out here.

thank you!!!

BTW, what other colleges are you applying to?

well, i am being recruited by all of the ivy leagues except for Columbia. Cornell is the furthest i have gotten in the recruiting process. But I am not to sure exactly which of the other schools i will be applying to! It all depends on the recruiting basically! I'd love to apply to them all though!
yang 2 / 313  
Nov 30, 2009   #17
That is some good introspection!! Usually I advise people to act decided even if they are not quite decided... because it is important to act resolute, passionate, and methodical, but... I think you achieve something very good with this approach.

Definitely agreed, colleges honest don't want anybody who are undecided. Pick an interest. Answer the topic. Or else why would you want to apply to this specific college?

well, i am being recruited by all of the ivy leagues except for Columbia. Cornell is the furthest i have gotten in the recruiting process. But I am not to sure exactly which of the other schools i will be applying to! It all depends on the recruiting basically! I'd love to apply to them all though!

Whaddo you mean by recruited?
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 1, 2009   #18
Pick an interest. Answer the topic. Or else why would you want to apply to this specific college?

That is what I've been suggested to do... the computer engineering school is one of the best in the nation, so im going to try to transfer in... Most recruits go in undecided.. and i will study computer science... most likely!

Whaddo you mean by recruited?

I mean for football!!!
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 1, 2009   #19
I mean for football!!!

Wow, an athlete (and football) on top of a computer geek! (sorry for using this work, but I love computer science as well :D)

Well, good luck, I'm actually writing the same essay now haha.
OP allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 1, 2009   #20
haha yeah i've heard that alot! but i think thats why im looking at the ivy leagues more then anything.. thats where i fit best! because im a nerd at heart! haha

You like computer science also? awesome!!!

Are you really? well good luck! hopefully my crappy essay will give you some ideas! =)
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 1, 2009   #21
because im a nerd at heart

LOL finally somebody who's not afraid to admit that! I actually wrote my diversity essay kinda based on this haha

Are you really? well good luck! hopefully my crappy essay will give you some ideas! =)

Thanks man, but your essay really isn't crappy at all. It has a distinct flavor that I'm sure Cornell will appreciate. I'm doing mine on Econ tho, cuz CEO's r the most moneymaking bastards ever lol


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