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International issues - Personal Statement for Applying to undergraduate course at NUS

LemonBreadKing 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2020   #1
Greetings guys, I am new in this forum and I am trying to draft my personal statement for application to NUS. I'm looking for your insight towards my essay, and if I could improve my writing. Any kind of response is kindly appreciated. Thank you very much for your attention.

Here is the prompt: You should also include a personal statement in this section elaborating on your achievements, as well as their relevance to the course of study you have chosen. (2000 characters maximum)

As your statement is limited to only 2000 characters, do present your ideas in a focused and thoughtful manner.

Joining International MUN Competition

During my high school years, I am fortunate to have the privilege of being a representative of my school in the BRIDGE sister school partnership program with the Corinda State High School and given the chance of experiencing what it's like to study abroad. I learned a lot when I was in Australia, about aboriginal cultures, various indigenous wildlife, and also issues that Australians face. It was truly an unforgettable experience. Moreover, I am maintaining communication with my host family. Learning about different kinds of topics has become my daily habit. Growing up in the information age, I watched a lot of YouTube videos about different kinds of international issues such as pollution, poverty, civil wars, conflicts, and the refugee crisis. I even went as far as bringing up those aforementioned issues in my classroom debates. Therefore, when I heard about the existence of a conference for teenagers about the UN from one of my school alumnus, I instantly knew that I had to take the plunge, and so I did. When I first got the chance to dabble in the MUN arena, I had little idea about the inner workings of the UN, even more so about the topic that I will be discussing at the conference. Joining the Asia World MUN III conference has enhanced my skills from writing effective research papers, how to voice my ideas, and building connections with various delegates from different kinds of countries. MUN has changed me so much, from being the average high school student to a delegate actively seeking discussion and solutions for international issues. I always look at how innovative young entrepreneurs were and I went to try building my own games. My main goal is to solve those international issues by creating computer programs and raising awareness in the information age. I am determined to pursue a degree in computer science at NUS, Singapore's flagship and one of the world's top leading universities, using technology to tackle these international issues once and for all.

Thank you very much for taking a look at my essay. I humbly await your responses.

Xuan An 1 / 2 1  
Jan 2, 2020   #2
When I read your writing, I was completely attracted by your advanced vocabularies, your style writting and the contents in this.
Therefore, I write this just because I want to congratulate on your good writing and I also learn something from this
Darina14 1 / 2 2  
Jan 2, 2020   #3
Dear Author,

You explained your achievements very well and wide but when your read essay, it is hard to see connection between thoughts. Also relevance of your achievements to the course of study you have chosen is explained very weak. Only 2-3 sentences at the end. In my opinion you should write about it more widely and bring certain examples from your experience which made you chose this course and why it will help you in the future.
OP LemonBreadKing 1 / 2  
Jan 11, 2020   #4
Dear Xuan, thank you very much for your response. I'm very sorry for not updating in a long time.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,147 3277  
Jan 13, 2020   #5
Open your essay with the MUN participation first. Then explain that your experience and interest in participating in the said activity stems from your participation in the BRIDGE program. You have to properly connect your activities in the essay. The main problem I see though, is that you do not have any relevant accomplishments as an MUN member that would help to highlight your participation in this activity. If the activity only helped you improve your backroom skills, then it doesn't really county. You need an activity that will highlight why you are a good candidate for admission to this course. As of now, it doesn't really seem relevant to your chosen course at the university.
OP LemonBreadKing 1 / 2  
Jan 15, 2020   #6
Dear Holt,
Dear Darina14,

Oh my god thank you very much for your responses! your feedbacks are the most valuable, and I shall redo my essay and based it more on the examples that you have given. Once again, thank you for looking at my thread.

You see, the thing is, most of my achievements are closely related to the English language.. That's why I'm having trouble with writing this essay because I felt that it wasn't really suited for the major that I've selected. If you have any suggestions as to how to make it sound more compelling or correlate more to my major, it would be very helpful. Thank you very much for your attention.
Ulaai 3 / 40 25  
Jan 18, 2020   #7
Have you tried build your own games? You can elaborate more on that. What programming language or platform did you use to make the game? Have you finished any online programming course? Mention any technical skills related to programming in order to connect more to the major you're applying to.

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