An internship and group-working - extra activity - commonapp short answer

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer)
Please provide me with some suggetions! I am quite not sure about how to write this short answer. Any comments about structures, grammars, anything is welcomed! Thank you! :)

When the company where I was taking the internship informed that I was going to meet the manager of U.B.C to do a feedback survey, I turned to be a little bit dull. Because of my shyness, I always liked group-working. But this time, I had to finish the task alone! I am only 16 years old. What if the manager regards me as a juvenile? What if he refused to answer my questions...? I thought in tense nerves.

The door of manager room was just before my eyes. After several deep breaths, I knocked on the door. "Come in, please." A mild male voice spoke. I walked in. "Hello." I tried to smile, and I thought that I succeeded when the manager smiled to me, so I continued without letup until I smoothly finished the task. I was proud, and I decided: the road ahead I will go alone.

You have a few tense issues--make sure you stay in either past or present.

"I thought in tense nerves."

-Do you mean "intense nerves" or "tense nerves"...?

You may want to write about what actually happened at the internship-they want to know what you did, how you handled the internship, the skills you gained, etc.

:)

When the company where I was taking the internship informed that I was going to meetinformed me of meeting the manager of U.B.C to do a feedback survey,...

this was a weel-written essay however I think you should give a brief description of the task you finished. Maybe you should cut off the dialogue at that time and focus more on some specific things you learned from the task.

I will appreciate it if you can edit mine. Thanks !! :)

I like the second one you wrote - focus more on the process rather than your nervousness at the beginning.